Granny Panties May Be Trending, But I'm Not Done With Thongs

By Sonia Evers

Why would you want something wedged between your butt cheeks?

This was the first thing my mom said when she heard thongs were growing in popularity; and at the time I had to agree. I was still in my full-butt coverage, granny-panty wearing days, primarily because all other underwear twisted and jammed into a thong after only five minutes of wear. Bikinis, cheekies, high-cuts, and essentially all other decent womens’ underwear refused to fit around my derrière, so I took to wearing Hanes Her Way and tightie whities from the little boys' department instead. What I didn’t realize then was that an involuntary wedgie feels nothing like a thong. At least not today.

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The word thong comes from the Old English word “thwong,” which means a flexible leather cord, and let me just say that my first thong was exactly that. It came from a Canadian store called La Senza and I hardly ever wore it because it felt as though I had an extension cord sandwiched between my cheeks. The fabric was stiff and chaffing and, pardon my French, fucking uncomfortable. As I said, when thongs were first gaining popularity, I was still wearing cotton diapers because they fit me and were far more comfortable than whatever torture device lingerie stores were promoting.

But we’ve come a long way since then, and I now wear thongs exclusively. Thanks to brands like Hanky Panky and Commando, thongs are thin, flexible, and softer than baby bunny fur. But there are two things that I’ve noticed since their rise in popularity and development:

1) One thong is typically as expensive as an entree at a four-star restaurant.

2) All the styles look the same.

I realize that my thriftiness toward underwear is probably due to the fact that I used to buy the 12-pack of Hanes Her Way for $15 at the local five and ten store, but I find it absurd to be paying $18 for a single pair of butt floss. Comfortable as it may be, the likeliness of it getting stained (Hello, Flo!), eaten by my dog, or lost somewhere during laundry day are high.

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On top of that, while I’m forever grateful to the founders of Hanky Panky for creating a style of thong that’s both flattering and pleasant on the nethers, there seems to be a standstill in design. Now it is almost impossible to find a thong that doesn’t feature a wide waistband made of lace. I don’t wear the same style of clothing every day, so why should I have to do that with underwear?

Scouring the internet led me to discover a couple of different styles, but they cost as much as TWO entrees at a five-star restaurant. I also found thongs at more of an appetizer price point, but they all look the same; lacy wide waistband, punchy colors, etc. It’s a Catch-22 and I can’t figure out why.

I see more and more cheekies and boyshorts popping up at lingerie brands and less and less thongs. I went into a Victoria’s Secret last week and could not find a single thong that wasn’t like all the rest of the thongs out there or so unreasonably stringy in design it resembled a cat’s cradle.

So I ask you this: Are thongs on the way out? Are panty lines in? Or is there a new kind of underwear out there rising in popularity that I’m unaware of? Tell me. My butt cheeks and I really want to know.

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