"Your Type" & The Person You're Actually Dating May Not Match Up

Photographed by Anna Alexia Basile.

By Dr. Lorne Campbell

A lot of research, from all over the world, has asked people about what they prefer in a future romantic partner. There is a big assumption in almost all of this research that these preferences matter when people choose a romantic partner from many possible alternatives. For example, if you say you prefer a partner who is a few years younger than you, outgoing, ambitious, and wants to start a family (eventually), we might assume that when you're deciding to enter a romantic relationship you're more likely to select someone that closely matches, rather than defies, your preferences.

I have not counted the number of studies that focus on “interpersonal attraction,” the general term used to describe research that is concerned with partner preferences, but it is safe to say that there are hundreds upon hundreds of published research studies on this topic. So, do an individual’s preferences for a romantic partner when they are single reflect the traits and personalities of their actual future romantic partners?

According to my understanding of the available research, there is no definitive answer to this question. Simply put: We don’t know.

Here's what we do know:

1. Key finding: If you ask people that are in a relationship about their ideal romantic partner preferences, it turns out their current romantic partner is a fairly close match to these preferences.

Limitations of this work: After entering a relationship, people can change their preferences to match the realities of their new partner, and partners can over time change each other to more closely match their own preferences. Thus, we don’t now whether (a) those ideals reflect actual ideals held by study participants before they met their current partners, or (b) partners became more ideal over time (but didn’t initially match the ideals).

2. Key finding: When reading a description of a possible romantic partner (e.g., descriptions of people on a dating website), people report being more attracted to potential partners that more, versus less, match their own preferences.

Limitation of this work: In many of these studies the “potential” romantic partner does not really exist, but rather was created by the experimenter; no real relationship can ever materialize. Therefore, it is not possible to determine if preferences predict actual mate choice.

3. Key finding: If you ask one group of people the age of their preferred romantic partner and then look at the ages at which another group of people actually got married, there is a lot of overlap. That is, in different-sex relationships, men prefer women that are somewhat younger than themselves, and women tend to prefer men that are somewhat older than themselves; looking at actual marriage records, men tend to marry women that are younger than themselves, and women tend to marry men that are older than themselves.

Limitation of this work: Long story short, stated preferences and marriage patterns were never assessed in the SAME group of people, and therefore we cannot confidently conclude that preferences caused marriage patterns.

4. Key finding: If you have people meet actual potential partners (such as in the context of speed dating), it turns out that people’s preferences for what they want in romantic partners does not predict who they say they actually liked during the speed dating event. It seems, therefore, that individual’s preferences for a romantic partner predict how much they like written descriptions of other people, but not how much they like actual people after meeting them.

Caveat: Using somewhat different “getting acquainted” research procedures, other researchers have found that people’s preferences for romantic partners do predict who they say they liked.

Limitation of this work: All of this research asks about initial attraction (or liking) and not about actual relationship formation. In the existing speed dating research, for example, almost no speed daters actually started dating each other, so it’s impossible to know whether people ultimately pair of with someone who matches their preferences.

We know a lot about people’s preferences for future romantic partners, but we know very little about how these preferences influence people’s decisions to begin romantic relationships with others that do — or do not — match their preferences. Given that a lot of research assumes that preferences matter when people choose to start relationships with new romantic partners, and some recent research suggests that preferences do not (at least for initial attraction after meeting people at one point in time), a large gap exists between what we think we know and actual recorded research.

As stated clearly by Alexa M. Tullett
, “…a study that uses self-reports of behavior as a proxy for actual behavior is only as informative as the existing knowledge of the association between the two.”

Translation: people telling us what they might do does not substitute for what they actually do. That means that our existing knowledge of the association between preferences and actual mate choice is weak.

While we might expect people's fantasy partners to match up with their real life ones, the research we have doesn't totally support that. So, you might not have as much of a "type" as you think.

Next: Does Facebook Cause Infidelity?


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