Photographed by Erin Yamagata.
Reductress is the first and only satirical women's magazine, taking on the best and worst of women's media, marketing, and consumer culture. Their words of wisdom are not to be taken seriously.
You wore the black dress, made your date laugh, and it all went as planned: You woke up to a text from your suitor! It’s okay to get excited, right? Wrong. Don’t squash that alluring mystique you worked so hard to create by texting back like some desperate idiot. Keep that flaming desire kindled with frustration with these six sexy tips:
1. They say: “Hey, so fun last night. You free Thursday? Let’s get dinner.”
You say: “ “
They wait 12 hours to ask you out again: sensible, but eager. You’re free, but you’re not that easy. Turn up the heat on this “exchange” by ignoring it entirely. What could you possibly be doing all day? Did you not have a good time? Are you with another potential mate already? Incite uncertainty with mixed signals and they'll be thinking about you all day long.
2. They say: “Hey. Fun last night — dinner Thursday?”
You say: " "
It’s been 36 sizzling hours. The poor fool’s first text was received just fine. Now woo that potential partner further by leaving your phone at home while you walk your dog around the park. Like, all of it. Make them stew in self-awareness to raise the temperature of this flirty move. Spice it up even more by turning your phone off entirely. After all, doubt is nature’s greatest aphrodisiac.
3. They say “Hope you’re not ALL SOY, hahaha."
You say: "..."
Over 58 hours of steamy frustration has your suitor stooping pretty low, reverting to lame inside jokes — the last vestige of a desperate being. Sure, you have a witty reply, but instead, arouse the senses by leaving the text conversation open so the “still typing” ellipses are the only thing that'll appear. Then close out of the conversation and walk away, hips swinging. You’ll drive your pursuer wild with desire for your body and for any shred of validation that the date went well.
4. They say: “Hellooooooo? You there?”
You say: " "
Five days later. You’re here. You’re there. You’re in that little bitch’s head. There’s nothing more seductive than entrapping someone's physique in your tangled web of games. They know who the black widow is, and Momma’s hungry. Spin some silk around your feeble little fly by posting on Facebook: “Ughhh so boreddd. Anyone wanna do something??” A little exhibitionist move like this shows you’re blatantly ignoring them. This is more for you now. You’re drunk with control and that creature is almost crushed. Can you feel the physical tension mounting?
5. They say: " "
You say: " "
A full week has passed. Now the games truly begin. Their will is stronger than you thought, and that excites you in a whole new way. You may have the urge to cave and say “Hey sorry my phone is so weird, wanna get that dinner?” Trust us: this will break the sexy mind game you’ve spent so long to construct. Just sit tight, and DO NOT TEXT FIRST. If you two ever end up in the same room together several months from now, it’ll be the best sex ever.