Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
Movie nights are perfect for cuddling up together with some popcorn and a movie. And, let’s face it: You’re tired, you’re comfy, and you haven’t really attended to your personal grooming this week. So, here are a few ways to select a movie that’ll send the “We’re not having sex after this movie” message, loud and clear.
One tip: Holocaust film. Sex after genocide is like orange juice after brushing your teeth. Starving bodies and horrendous loss will have you both saying, “auf Wiedersehen” to any notion of lovemaking. IMPORTANT: Stay away from Sophie’s Choice — there are some incredibly steamy scenes that might change his mind in spite of the boner-killing story arc.
Choose something that revolves around a large egg hatching. Whether it’s a nature doc or a sci-fi horror, you’re guaranteed a hefty amount of goo and fearful procreation, two things that both feature heavily in sex, but rarely incite it.
Anything with Ernest Borgnine. The man has the face of a Chinese New Year’s dragon, except with tufts of century-old hair. His goofy grin, untended eyebrows, and ill yodel of a voice will ensure a platonic evening in which sex is the farthest thing from your minds.
Pick a movie that includes the line: “I just fucked my own Dad?!” No examples come immediately to mind, but trust me: mood-killer.
Just watch Red Asphalt. For a surefire sex-stopper, watch Red Asphalt, which is just footage of highway carnage used to scare young drivers into always buckling their seat belts. Sure, it may not exactly be the relaxing evening you had in mind, but you definitely won’t be having sex or text while driving after watching this classic.
The Da Vinci Code. We still haven’t unraveled the mystery as to why, but for some reason it works. Every. Time.
Follow these easy movie tips and you can eat that whole pint of ice cream and wear those sweatpants straight to bed!