I have always looked back on middle school very fondly. I had great friends, was on the track team, and was blessed with good skin. So, when I went home this weekend and found myself going through old notebooks, I was shocked to find the horrifying truth inside my eighth grade diary: it was written by a huge, huge bitch. And, that bitch was me.
Here’s a passage from page 17:
“Fuck Jackie. She has no tits! I bet she has never even gotten her period. I have. I got it in 6th grade in gym. Luckily I didn’t get an embarrassing stain like some girls! Why does she think she can like Evan!? She obviously isn’t a woman. I’ve already started telling everyone she’s a lesbian and a racist. Also, I hate Earth Science and that ugly Mrs. Hollinger. I hope Diana DeGarmo wins American Idol.”
I know what you’re thinking. No one is the best version of themselves at 14. But, why did I feel the need to tear down this poor girl Jackie? I barely remember her now. Unless she was the one with the weird neck scar? I kinda remember that girl being annoying.
"Jackie is so fucking poor. I bet she lives on a farm with a fat mom. Why does Evan like her? He can do so much better even though he is short. I can’t believe this!!!!!!! I am going to tell everyone that she is a prostitute. Also, I failed my Earth Science midterm. I don’t know what my mom will say. G2G. Ashlee Simpson is on.
It gets even more difficult to read from there.
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“Amazing news. Jackie moved! I hope she has no friends where she lives. Anyway, I am so over Evan. I found out he fingered Kristin!!! So gross. Plus he is short. I am interested in boys with much bigger bodies, like Adam. My type is always changing! I will still prob call Kristin a slut in my AIM status cuz I am bored. PS today I got sent to the principal for my shorts. So gay! I hate my Earth Science teacher. She is gay. 2 Gay 2 Function LOL. Mean Girls just came out so I’m def going to see it on Friday.”
I think what bothers me most of all is that I had no awareness at the time I was writing these entries that what I was doing and saying would be hurtful to other people. That makes me really nervous, even today. Could I still lack self-awareness? Will I find this column years from now and think, wow, what a bitch? I truly hope not. I don’t talk about my coworkers like this — at least the ones who don’t work in IT. The IT department is full of weirdo losers who fawn over the sluts in marketing.
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