Three Ways To Upstage Your Friends At Karaoke

Illustrated by Mary Galloway.
By Theresa Basile
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We’ve all got that friend — the one who can kind of sing. She can carry a tune and used to take voice lessons, and she always finds a way to take the attention you so clearly deserve. Ever wish you knew how to get this Mariah Carey wannabe to stop stealing your spotlight? Here are three ways to upstage her performance so she never thinks to challenge you again.
Turn up the music and turn off her mic.
When she’s thumbing through the song catalogs trying to decide if she’s in a Madonna mood or Broadway mood, crank up the backup and switch off her microphone. The loud backing track will drown out all her pathetic efforts to become the star of the room. Just be sure to readjust the sound levels when it’s your turn to nail "For Good” all by yourself.
Sing all the backup vocals.
Your friend will save “Rolling in the Deep” for later in the night after she’s "warmed up her voice." Ugh, don’t you hate girls who think they’re the best? Show her you’re the best by harmonizing too well. That bitch will rue the day she ever thought she could sing Adele when she hears your perfect parallel fifths. As soon as she belts, “We could have had it alllll,” pipe in with the “Coulda hada hooda!” catchy backup vocals so that the attention stays on you. She’ll be the exhibitionist in the bar nobody likes, while you’re the cool chick who saved everyone else from her showboating! “Roda had hooda dee” indeed!
Pick duets that are out of her range.
Your friend will inevitably want to sing a duet with you, mostly so she can show off and act like she’s the better singer. Tell her you’re up for it, but insist on picking the song: Pick one that’s well out of her range and comfortably within yours. She’ll be straining to sing Maureen’s part in “Take Me or Leave Me” with her crappy head voice while you get the fun lower part and impress everyone with your smooth alto.
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After you show her who’s the real boss bitch at karaoke, she’ll be too ashamed to ever take you to karaoke again — because sure, she’s not awful, but you actually took lessons back in high school and one teacher said you might have perfect pitch, and she thinks she’s in the same league as you? Please. As if she had a BFA from SUNY Purchase!