Hump, Marry, Kill: True American (Clinton Rules)



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Hump: First of all, how badly do you want to pick your intern and play a game of strip True American with Clinton rules? It looks like the most fun activity ever, plus it teaches players about U.S. history. Why are we not using this game in our schools? Maybe I would’ve gotten a 5 on the AP test. Second of all, Nick Miller...swoon. Scruffy deadbeats (I mean, novelist/bartenders) with hearts of gold who wear hoodies 24/7 are my sexual Achilles’ heel. There’s never been one on TV I don't pine for.

Plus, I have a well-documented obsession with will-they-won’t-they storylines, and now that Leslie and Ben from Parks and Recreation and Jimmy and Sabrina on Raising Hope are engaged, Nick and Jess’ sexual tension was my new focus. If they get together after this (which, knowing New Girl’s writers, they probably won’t...at least not immediately; Jess still has a boyfriend and the Moonlighting curse looms large), I guess my next W-T-W-T couple obsession is going to be Mindy and Dr. Castellano on The Mindy Project. I’m open to suggestions, though.

The whole episode kind of overhyped the Nick/Jess kiss we’ve all been waiting for two seasons to happen — why did he have to kiss her? She kept saying “Just kiss me, Miller,” but in this age of women’s equality, why can’t she initiate it? But boy, was it worth it in the end when Nick grabbed Jess and planted one of those old Hollywood-style, weak-in-the-knees movie kisses on her. Her face afterwards was priceless. If anyone knows a Nick Miller in real life, please send him my way.

Marry: 30 Rock and my spirit animal, Liz Lemon, said sayonara forever on Thursday, and I have — to use Tumblr parlance — so many feels about it. There’s just too much to say about the dearly beloved show chock-full of items on the “TV no-no list.” So long, dear friend, we’ll be seeing you in syndication.

Kill: So it turns out chopping her hair off was not the worst professional decision Keri Russell has ever made. On FX’s The Americans, which premiered on Wednesday, Russell plays Elizabeth Jennings, a KGB spy living undercover in the U.S. towards the end of the Cold War. In no particular order, here are just a few of the terrible things that happened to her in the pilot:

—She has sex with a man in an attempt to get privileged government secrets. Her husband later has to listen to the recording to glean said secrets.

—In a flashback about her KGB training, she gets raped by an officer who later calls “having the cadets” a “perk.” (And yet she still remains ferociously loyal to the USSR.)

—The show takes place in 1981, and Russell is dressed like the cover of a Sweet Valley High novel, a.k.a. high-waisted jeans with long-sleeve, scoop-necked bodysuits. She looks fine, but it’s like we get it, costumers, they're in the ‘80s. You don’t have to hit us over the head with a full-blown Guess ad.

—Elizabeth and her KGB-assigned spouse have promised never to reveal their real national allegiance to their still-growing children, but she makes subtle hints to subconsciously turn them against America. Nothing like a young boy hero-worshipping the space program putting a man on the moon only to have his mother say, “The moon isn’t everything. Just getting into space is a remarkable accomplishment.”

—Although their marriage is arranged, the two agents still developed enough of an attraction to each other over time to produce two children. That said, Elizabeth now denies her husband sex most of the time (which is also due to the unaddressed psychological repercussions of her assault back in Russia), until the two murder her former rapist, burn his body, and Phil Collins’ “In the Air Tonight” gets to the part where the drums finally come in. Nothing says “let’s get it on” like a murder-cremation.

Being a spy just isn’t as glamorous as the movies make it out to be. If you want to watch one Iron Curtain-themed show this week, make it New Girl.

Photo: Courtesy of Greg Gayne/FOX; Courtesy of Ali Goldstein/NBC; Courtesy of Frank Ockenfels/FX