Tess Lynch is a writer and actor living in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared everywhere from Salon and The Awl to Funny or Die. Her very delightful website is here.
This is my favorite dress. It is tremendously unflattering—so unflattering that people literally go out of their way to tell me how ugly it is. It's the color of raw button mushrooms and is made of a cotton so industrial it's basically canvas. The reason I enjoy this dress is that it colors absolutely any activity with a heavy, matte significance: it's so without style that there's something prehistoric about it. It's like the uniform for orphans living in the Twilight Zone.
Of course it's crazy-comfortable, as ugly things usually are: It keeps the shape of a fat jellyfish no matter how you move, making it feel luxuriously air-conditioned. Yes, this dress is the king of all dresses, and wearing it out is sort of like beating the Fatburger Triple King challenge: Once or twice is enough.
There is no hair cute enough to excuse the dress. Its bleakness is extreme, but like Nesquik and cafeteria gravy, addictive. I will wear it on my body until it shrinks after too many long dryer cycles into a tiny hard fashion fossil, and then I will wear it as a pin.