Hump, Marry, Kill: Loves Lohan’s Lost

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hmk-1From Left; Photo: Courtesy of Melissa Holt/E! Entertainment; Tammy Shell for The Public Theater; Alex Martinez/Bravo

Hump: I'm gonna be blunt: I have seen The Canyons, and it was not the Parent Trap-esque comeback for which we were all hoping. That said, I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Hallie Parker, Annie James, their sumptuous, Nancy Meyers-outfitted palatial homes, and the adorable little redhead who brought them both to life.

Neither nature nor nurture have been kind to that cute, freckled child of Disney. It also didn't help that she came of age during the free-reign era of paparazzi whose power had yet to be stripped away because of, you know, the ways in which they violated human decency and safety. Photos of her failures — and there were many — fetched high prices as the sad commodity of those who peddle in schadenfreude.

So it was actually refreshing to see the recently rehabbed Lindsay guest hosting Chelsea Lately this week. While it's sad to see just how many jibes she has to take, Lohan handles it surprisingly well. Hints of that precocious little ginger started to shine through the fake hair and other (unfortunately) artificially enhanced parts. We'll never get that unsullied child back, but it's nice to know she's still in there somewhere.

Marry: I know I'm supposed to write about TV here, so you'll have to forgive this week's category hijack so I can talk about the Shakespeare in the Park production I saw on Thursday. The creative minds behind Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson crafted an updated, musical version of Love's Labour's Lost, and it was magical.

Elizabethan-era Shakespeare it is not, but if you’re someone who likes a heavy dose of meta-humor and mixed genres in your musicals, this is the show for you. And, as with Jackson, it’s all enhanced by a set that's the lovechild of a haunted mansion, an eighties laser light show, and the world's saddest abandoned carnival. There’s also an enchanting quality to watching outdoor theater in the twilight hours of summer.

The songs are witty and mimic a wide variety of styles — including a rendition of Mr. Big's "To Be With You" accompanied by choreography worthy of a Backstreet Boys/'N Sync/98 Degrees video circa 2000. And there's a keytar solo. Justin Levine, he of the beautiful voice in BBAJ’s "Second Nature," acts in the show, is the musical director, and rocks out on said keytar. It just warms my heart to know there are people this talented in the world. If you're anywhere near New York City, please try to see the show. The Bard himself would endorse this bizarrely beautiful bastardization of his tale.

Honorary mention: Stephen Colbert beckoning to Bryan Cranston to Get Lucky with him in a virtual reality roller disco in between high kicking with the Rockettes. Someone else has been reading my dream journal, I see.

Kill: Really, the true loser here is me, the person who watched every episode of Princesses: Long Island, despite the immense disappointment it made me feel for my fellow tribe members. Still, though, Ashlee was the worst of the lot.