Choose Your Own Adventure! Would You Survive A Horror Movie?

The Middle Ages are over...for the most part. But there's one aspect of our culture that remains strictly steeped in the mores and customs of those dark days: the horror genre. Modern Western horror movies are strikingly similar to old-timey conduct books and morality tales, meaning that they're incredibly predictable and formulaic — and, also, awesome.
While nowadays we use 'em to get our kicks, the tropes and structure of most horror movies play into the deep-down remnants of some very antiquated (not to mention Catholic) beliefs about innocence and vice. But, it's seeing the many different ways those basic components can be interpreted that makes horror such a fun and repeatable niche! From the irony of Scream 4 to the classics like Psycho, the sheer predictability of scary flicks is a regular barrel o' screams laughs.
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Now, combine all that goodness with everyone's favorite childhood pastime: Choose your own adventure! We've taken that staple of family vacations and brought it into the 21st century with a fully equipped slideshow to answer the ultimate question: Do you have what it takes to survive a horror movie? And, like any good adventure, you don't have to play by the rules...if you make the wrong call and end up dead in the opening credits, there's always the "back" button. Good luck!
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You're walking with some friends when you come across a remote, abandoned shack. Someone suggests you go in and check it out. How would you react?

Sweet, let's do it!!

Guys, I don't think this is such a good idea.

Cabin in the Woods, 2011. Photo: Lionsgate films.
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“Definitely! Anyone who doesn’t go in there is a lame nerd.”

Yeah!!!

Um, no…

Cabin in the Woods, 2011. Photo: Lionsgate films.
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Run, move to another state, and change your name.

Yup.

Lame, no way!

Cabin in the Woods, 2011. Photo: Lionsgate films.
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Say nothing and enter first, stoically and with admirable resolve.

Sounds like me.

I’ll probably just wait outside and zone out with my headphones on.

Cabin in the Woods, 2011. Photo: Lionsgate films.
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You’re alone babysitting in a fancy, modern home in the middle of nowhere. What’s the first thing you do?

Invite all your hot, teenage friends over for a raging party.

Nah…

The Glass House, 2001. Photo: Courtesy of Columbia Pictures.
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Snoop around the closet in the master bedroom.

Yeah, I wanna see what kind of weird stuff these guys are in to.

Never!

The Glass House, 2001. Photo: Courtesy of Columbia Pictures.
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I'll probably just take a shower.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Sounds nice and soothing.

Psycho, 1960. Photo: Courtesy of Shamley Productions.
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Quietly do your homework while diligently watching over the baby until the parents return.

Boring!

Sounds about right.

The Glass House, 2001. Photo: Courtesy of Columbia Pictures.
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Are you smart, quiet, but effortlessly beautiful?

Yes.

No.

Halloween, 1978. Photo: Courtesy of Compass International.
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Are you Paris Hilton?

Yes.

No.

House of Wax, 2005. Photo: Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures.
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Do you have any idea what anybody did last summer?

Yeah, and it's crazy!

I mind my own business..

I Know What You Did Last Summer, 1997. Photo: Courtesy of Columbia Pictures.
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Have you ever owned or even seen a doll that looks like this?

Yes.

What am I, stupid?

Child's Play, 1988. Photo: Courtesy of MGM.
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Do you dress goth, wear dark lipstick, and make lots of sarcastic comments?

Heck yeah.

Not really my style.

The Craft, 1996. Photo: Courtesy of Columbia Pictures.
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Do you own more than one crop top that you frequently wear with low-rise jeans?

Duh.

Gasp! I would never!

I Know What You Did Last Summer, 1997. Photo: Courtesy of Columbia Pictures.
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You come back from the bathroom only to realize your friend is no longer on the couch where he/she was only moments before.

Come on, dude. This isn’t funny.

Just pull out the grenade you always keep in your sock, blast the place, and GTFO.

Scream, 1996. Photo: Courtesy of Dimension Films.
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Are you a business executive and/or are you currently wearing a pinstriped suit?

Yes, and I'm devilishly handsome, too.

No, I'm cooler than that.

American Psycho, 2000. Photo: Courtesy of Am Psycho Productions.
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Are you a slightly obnoxious nerd who loves Butterfingers?

Yes.

Yes, but I’m also really sexy, and I totally work out.

Jurassic Park, 1993. Photo: Courtesy of Universal Pictures.
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Do you know what “phallic appropriation” is? Does it sound like something you might be into?

Duh, I’ve read everything by Carol J. Clover.

Wha??

Photo: Courtesy of Princeton University Press.
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Are you, either in a professional or personal capacity, the sort of person who loves to debunk urban legends? Do you watch too much Mythbusters? Are you also kind of a jerk?

Sounds like me.

No way, I'm a believer.

Urban Legend, 1998. Photo: Courtesy of Original Film.
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Are you in a sorority?

Totally!!


No way, I'm a nonconformist.

Yes, but I'm really nice and demure.

Heathers, 1988. Photo: Courtesy of New World Pictures.
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Does your cell-phone company have literally the worst service ever?

No, I've got full bars.

Uh-oh, yes...

Scream, 1996. Photo: Courtesy of Dimension Films.
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Is the call coming from inside the house?

OMG F&*K!

No.

When A Stranger Calls, 2006. Photo: Courtesy of Screen Gems.
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Will you be witnessing and/or performing an exorcism this weekend?

Yes, same as every weekend.

No way, I don't believe in that kind of thing.

The Exorcist, 1973. Photo: Courtesy of Warner Bros.
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