To our dear friends, family members, and the residents of **Stars** Hollow,
Before we fill you in on our exciting comings1 and goings from the past year, you must agree to the following terms and conditions.
Richard and Emily Gilmore: You are not allowed to complain if this is the first time you’re hearing about something mentioned in this letter. It’s not our fault that you refuse to join Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram like the rest of the good people inhabiting first-world societies in the year of our lord 2014. In Internet we trust, amen.2
Denizens of Stars Hollow: We apologize for not sending this same letter to each and every one of you. However, we knew that it would become a matter of public record when read during a town hall meeting and subsequently posted on Miss Patty’s walls (both Facebook and the physical walls in her studio), so we figured what’s the point? Also, who buys stamps anymore? How much do they even cost these days, like a zillion dollars? You know what’s not going to last forever? The Postal Service, both the band and the mail delivery organization.3
Anyway, in the event that this letter is being read aloud at a town hall meeting (who are we kidding; of course it is), we request that the role of Lorelai be played by Kirk, and the role of Rory be played by Taylor. We feel they are the town members who best capture our voices and mannerisms. Especially Kirk, whose frenetic body language evokes that of Lorelai’s on a double-digit-cups-of-coffee day. Also known as all days that end in “y.”
Now, let’s get to it.
1. Heh, comings. — Lorelai
Mom! — Rory
2. Also, would it kill you to send a text message?
3. Good one, Mom.
Rory is still immensely happy working as a staff writer at BuzzFeed. You may have caught her latest listicle, "49 Reasons Why Having Your Mom For a BFF Rules" (just 49, Rory?), alongside her original reporting about Hillary Clinton’s book tour and what it means for her potential run in 2016.
It may feel like she still lives here in Stars Hollow because we’re always at Luke’s on the weekends, but she does, in fact, currently reside in Brooklyn. She promises me every day that she hasn’t become a nauseating hipster who composts and rides a fixed-gear bike. I did have to talk her out of buying thick-framed glasses on a recent trip to Urban Outfitters, though.4
Rory lives with her boyfriend of two years, Dessgan. It’s no coincidence that his name is an amalgamation of Dean, Jess, and Logan, because that’s what he is. In fact, if he had a regular name like Henry, we’d still call him Dessgan. It’s as if Cinderella’s fairy godmother herself conjured up the perfect guy using all of Rory’s past boyfriends’ best attributes and none of the worst. Actually, his name might be Jake, now that I think about it.5
That’s not to say Dessgan is without fault, mind you, but we don’t really think the annual holiday letter is the place to start listing Rory’s boyfriend’s flaws. Okay fine, we’ll list one: He doesn’t get The Comeback. How can you not get The Comeback? It completely destroyed every reality show stereotype before the Kardashians even came along to create them.6 It’s revolutionary. Whatever,
Dessgan Jake. Guess what’s happening the next time you’re in Connecticut? You’re going on a one-way trip to Bingetown, population: you and Valerie Cherish.
Now, since I hate bragging about myself (unless it’s to Luke because playfully knocking each other down is kind of our thing), Rory will be taking over for the next part of the letter.
4. For the last time, I was kidding.
5. Rory, make sure you fact-check this letter before we send it out.
6. Mooooommmmmm, you said this year’s letter would be Kardashian-free.
Hi, everyone! I’ll try to be brief, since Mom has already turned this into the first draft of her one-woman show (working title: Where I Lead, You Will Follow). Honestly, who puts footnotes and parenthetical asides in a holiday letter?7
Anyway, as most of you probably know, Mom and Luke just finished renovations on their holiday-themed bed and breakfast. LL Yule J will officially be open for business on December 10, so book your celebratory dinner now. Sookie anticipates it filling up quickly.
You should also stop by for the special opening games, The 12 Sleighs of Christmas. Sounds pretty great, right? That's all I'm going to say here. You'll just have to stop by to see what all the fuss is about.
Thanks for that, Rory. I'm glad you finally came around to The 12 Sleighs of Christmas, because I know how allergic you are to puns. Maybe your generation would be more receptive to "The GIF of the Magi," but you millennials don't seem to shell out for stays at bed and breakfasts. What's up with that? 8
Okay, I'm getting the flickering light calling time on this letter. I swear, even the Comedy Cellar is more forgiving about set length.
We want to wish everyone a happy holiday and a wonderful new year. We'll see you all at the LL Yule J and Luke's for celebratory pancakes sometime in the near future. Oh, and Kirk wants me to remind you that he just launched an Etsy store called Happy Hollow-ian. On it you'll find decorative plates featuring Stars Hollow luminaries.9
Yours in love and coffee,
Lorelai, Rory, Paul Anka, Dessgan (deal with it), and Luke, who asked not to be included in this, but if he wants to be disowned he’s going to have to try a lot harder.
7. Are you kidding me, Rory? All the best holiday letters are annotated.
8. You also said no millennial digs!
9. Happy, Kirk? This means I get 20% off for life.