March 14, 2016: It was a momentous day in history, a day that divided the nation, a day that threatened the very concept of justice in America. It was the day Ben chose Lauren B. over Jojo on the season finale of The Bachelor. Citizens around the country took to Twitter, Facebook, and even the streets to express their anger that bubbly, beautiful, and much better choice Jojo had been wrongfully dumped on national TV. It was a pain we all felt, and a pain we all tried to drown with copious amounts of alcohol.
Or, at least, I sure did.
I raged like it wasn’t a Monday, and I smoked enough weed to send even Seth Rogen to the hospital. I awoke the next morning, hungover and dreading the pile of errands and chores that awaited me, until I realized: I didn’t have to do them. Thanks to my smartphone, it was possible to knock out my to-do list, without ever moving the hungover pile of limbs that formerly constituted my body. Is there truly, as we often say, an app for everything? I was about to find out.
And so, I began my day of phoning it in. Step one: I called in sick to work. Because I’m a freelance writer, this means I essentially had a conversation with myself in bed.
Self: “Hey Jonathan, I’m too hungover to work today.”
Higher Self: “OMG...don’t even worry about it, Jojo’s defeat on the Bachelor is a totally valid reason to not get out of bed. There are apps for everything in your life! Use them. Jojo would want you to.”
Hungover Hallucination Of Jojo: “That’s right. I trust you, and I have so much faith in you.”
Well, I certainly couldn’t let my fantasy Jojo down (I’m not Ben Higgins, that asshole). And so, empowered by Jojo's spirit, I embarked on a day-long journey to run my life completely and totally on my phone. What follows is an app-by-app breakdown of my day-long experiment — and the five apps that truly saved my ass.*
*Disclaimer: Some of the companies listed in this piece were nice enough to take pity on me and comp trials for my hungover ass. All pricing is based on standard cost for each app.