All The Haircuts I Want But Will Never Get

I’ve been dithering on and on about dyeing my hair blue — a light metallic shade, in particular — for about five years now, but having heard one too many bleach horror stories, I just can't commit. I even made an appointment at Bleach in London this summer, had a consultation where they chopped off a section of hair for testing, paid a deposit — and then totally chickened out.

At the same time, I’ve fantasized about sharp, below-the-ear bobs and their cute paintbrush-ponytail evolutions; physically worshipped girls I’ve known who’ve shaved their heads; and totally freaked out about short, blunt bangs on people I’ve just been introduced to at the bar.

When I was 14 years old and a hardcore P!nk fan, I had pink hair, then blond, then black. I had bobs and bangs every other year and was something of a French-braid legend at school — often braiding classmates' hair after lunch and before chemistry. In fact, I got so good at hair, that I did two weddings in 2006. But when I turned 25, all I wanted was long, boring brown hair. The kind no one ever comments on because there's really nothing to say. I've become very attached to both the longness and the boringness of my hair; in fact I'm now so hairly-strung that I tell hairdressers I won’t pay if they cut more than an inch off. Pathetic, I know.

Maybe one day (definitely not in 2017), I'll have the courage to cut my hair and change my life, but for now, here are all the haircuts and colors I want, on people who've actually taken the plunge.