How To Ask For What You Want In Bed — & Get It

Photographed by Lauren Perlstein.
Know why you should always ask for what you want in bed? Because you’re worth it. And, you shouldn’t hold yourself back or make yourself feel small for any reason or any person. It might not be easy, and you might not always get everything you desire, but going for it has its own rewards — both inside and outside the bedroom. Here are some tips to help you with your request.

Don’t assume the other person will think you’re a freak.
 
You don’t know how someone will respond. If that person matters to you, try to trust him or her. (Yes, even if you’re asking for something kinky.)       

Be direct.
 
If you mumble, giggle, and fumble, you may not get what you want. Be really clear on what you’d like to ask for and, when the time is right, bring it up. (Some might call this "putting on your big-girl panties." We just call it smart.)       
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Embrace the awkwardness. 
Asking for things like more (or less) oral sex, or requesting to add toys for extra stimulation can make some of us shy or embarrassed. Look at it this way: Feeling uncomfortable for 15 minutes is worth it if it leads to a better sex life in the long run.
If it’s a sensitive subject — like you want your partner to last longer — be compassionate. 
There’s no room for acting entitled, combative, condescending, or bratty. Try to be supportive. If you approach it like you’re in this together, you’ll get through it together.       
Believe. 
You have to believe in your request and know that it’s okay to ask for it. This is really important, because when you’re secure in your desires and authentic about what you want, you are empowered. And, empowerment will help you ask for things and get them.   
Have your birth control ready to go. 
We’re pretty sure you’re going to get what you want, so make sure you’re covered when the fun starts. 
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