Awful Sex Tips: Mating Rituals Of Men's Health Magazine Readers

Springtime has descended upon us, which, like clockwork, means the human animal has one thing prominently sitting on the brain besides allergies: Sexy Time. Obviously, following your instincts is ridiculous, so to help you avoid the humiliation of honest, intimate gestures, Men's Health offers only the soundest strategies to getting it in (ayoo!), sans the phony tenderness. Nerve, a bastion of sex-positivity and fun, does all the dirty work for us and cuts to the chase, citing the most ridiculous suggestions of this month's sex advice. (Nerve)
On Reading Body Language...
Sexpert Tip: "Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32% more than those who aren't."
Honestly, what is sexier than sitting in an ambient restaurant with your date's gaze fixed attentively to your eyes? I'll tell you this right now: Not much, particularly if you can detect him counting your blinks under his breath.
Sexpert Tip: "Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws."
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Jon Hamm, Brad Pitt, Batman. We can't deny a square-jaw's sex appeal. But what really inspires us to want to get hot and sweaty is mean-mugging us over dinner and drinks. As MHM points out, it is scientifically proven (hormones!) that women are at the highest levels of susceptibility to sexual submission by your masculine prowess when we're terrified. And now that you've got her in your babe-lair…
On Going Down…
Sexpert Tip: "This is named after Muhammad Ali's strategy for toppling George Foreman. Ali stood there for seven rounds before springing to life and sending the tired Foreman to the mat. When it comes to cunnilingus, be like Ali... Repeat [this technique] until she's out cold."
Listen. If there's anything us girls want more than foreplay likened to a famously violent boxing match, I certainly haven't found it. Finishing said sex act by rendering us "out cold" couldn't be a more positive note to end on. Total boyfriend material.
On Love…
Sexpert Tip: "Nonsexual touch is a potent, underused endorsement of another soul. As you're heading out the door, give her upper arm a quick, affectionate double squeeze. As you're walking into a party or to your table, put a guiding hand, lightly but surely, on her lower back. Some nothing-special Tuesday night while she's standing at the sink doing the dishes, come up behind her and give her a kiss on the back of her head. It should be more than a peck—make it last 1.4 seconds."
Now that you've locked her down, make love last by pawing her. For at least 1.4 seconds. Super important, fellas.
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