Please Don't Invite Me To Your Terrible Wedding

Illustrated by Abbie Winters.
There are two types of weddings: the ones you’re thrilled to attend, and the ones you’re...not. We’ve all received invites to weddings we’d rather skip. Your fingers tremble as you pull the invitation out of the envelope, and you pray that it's something — anything — else. There, in fancy gold lettering, is the confirmation of your dark fate: You’ve been summoned to the wedding of a distant relative, an annoying acquaintance, or (gulp) your boss. How do you get out of committing to a terrible commitment ceremony?

This is a dilemma I know all too well, which is why I’ve come up with a list of hypothetical dreaded weddings (dreaddings?), along with tips for getting out of going to them. Yes, it will require some resourceful excuse-making, but it is possible to turn impending nuptials into NOPEtials. Read on for the eight absolute worst wedding invites — and how to say, “I don’t.”
1 of 8
Illustrated by Abbie Winters.
The Invitation:
Oh, the classic bestie-from-middle-school wedding invite. Who knew that the sweet little girl you played dress-up with would turn into a gun-toting, meth-cooking psycho who posts incoherent rants about her pet raccoon on Facebook? You haven’t unfollowed her yet, but only because you enjoy screenshotting her truly evil FB posts and texting them to people who also knew her before she went full-blown crazy. You are horrified when you receive an invite to her Duck Dynasty-themed wedding. What to do?

The Response:
No excuses needed on this one. A flat-out “Nope, can’t make it” will do. After all, do you really care about offending someone who writes sexualized Ted Cruz fanfic?
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2 of 8
Illustrated by Abbie Winters.
The Invitation:
Aunt Vicki is on her third wedding! Though you’d like to believe that the third time’s a charm, something tells you that this won’t be Aunt V’s last time at the rodeo. You went to the first two, even though you barely keep in touch with Vicki. This is why you’re not particularly jazzed when you’re called down to Delaware to witness wedding No. 3 of someone whose efforts at maintaining a relationship are limited to the $5 check she still sends you on your birthday. Sure, she’s family, but will she really be that hurt if you don’t show up to this one?

The Response:
Aunt V’s going to have to take this one in stride. You will need an excuse (a baby shower or maybe a best friend’s B-day?). But considering how little you two have kept in touch, she probably won’t miss your presence at wedding numero tres.
3 of 8
Illustrated by Abbie Winters.
The Invitation:
If you’re like me, the whole point of having a personal trainer is to spend an hour a week with an incredibly hot guy. You would also like to think that although you are paying him, he’s actually helping you tone your triceps because he’s deeply in love with you. This is why, when you receive a wedding invite from said trainer, your carefully constructed delusion crumbles faster than you can say, “YOU NEVER MENTIONED YOU WERE ENGAGED!!” The fact that you're still going to have to see him once a week makes this even more complicated. If you don’t want to change gyms, your “Sorry, can’t make it” will need to be accompanied by a VERY good excuse.

The Response:
It’s simple: You’re “out of town that week” on a “work trip.” Obviously, you need to keep that job so that you can keep paying your very expensive trainer (nudge, nudge). After all, he’s not (as you learned the hard, heartbreaking way) doing these sessions out of profound love for you — he’s doing it for the cash.
4 of 8
Illustrated by Abbie Winters.
The Invitation:
You didn’t even want friend-of-a-friend Trish in your book club, but were desperate when your BFF dropped out right before you began reading Hanya Yanagihara’s 720-page tome A Little Life. Now, when you’re 350 pages deep, Trish decides to spring a wedding invite on the whole group! The dilemma: Trish is annoying as all hell, and you have zero desire to attend her wedding, but you also have 370 pages left in the book. To say “no” could potentially rupture the already fragile ecosystem of a book club attempting to read a 700-page novel. But to say yes would commit you to attending the nuptials of someone you cannot stand.

The Response:
Give a vague, non-committal response, like, “Oh, that sounds like so much fun, I just have to check my calendar.” Then, continue to check your calendar for the remaining three weeks of the book club. Once you hit page 720, “realize” that your calendar is booked that weekend! Book club saved, and wedding avoided!
5 of 8
Illustrated by Abbie Winters.
The Invitation:
The coworker you barely speak to is having a wedding! You thought that eating a slice of the “happy engagement” cake at work was enough, but no — she expects you to shell out for her destination wedding. In Dubai! A city that was literally built for rich people! You, however, are definitely not rich, and though you are happy for her and the Saudi oil heir she is marrying, you absolutely cannot afford to attend this wedding. How to bail on the wedding of the girl with whom you share a cubicle?

The Response:
In this case, honesty is the best policy. Give your coworker a friendly reminder that not everyone in the office is marrying a billionaire, and some people (you) just don’t have the Du-budget for Dubai.
6 of 8
Illustrated by Abbie Winters.
The Invitation:
You know your frenemy doesn’t even want you at her goddamn wedding; she just sent you her Pinterest-ready invite to make you feel like shit. In fact, as of late, her entire social media presence (the engagement Instas, bachelorette Snapchats, and love-gloat Facebook posts) has felt like a direct effort to troll you and your single status. How to fire back now, in the moment when it counts most?

The Response:
Consider being the bigger person, and ending the constant cycle of one-upping that has defined your frenemy-ship. Then ditch that idea, and lie through your teeth: “By a totally crazy coincidence, I’m being awarded a MacArthur Genius Grant that weekend. It’s so sweet that you have so much time to plan such an elaborate wedding, though! God, I wish I could do that — but I’ve just been experiencing way too much career success recently to focus on participating in an outdated heteronormative tradition that often feels so empty and shallow in today's overly Pinterested culture. Bet yours will be great, though!” Mission accomplished.
7 of 8
Illustrated by Abbie Winters.
The Invitation:
Gretchen’s having a kegger! And that kegger is her wedding. Yes, Gretchen is the girl who had so much fun in college that she decided not to mature beyond that point. Sure, the two of you shared a lot of great times (half of which you can’t remember), but those times have passed and you’ve grown apart. Unfortunately, Gretchen is not only hell-bent on reviving your friendship, but she also wants you to be a BRIDESMAID. How on earth do you get out of the wedding — and the gross beer-pong tournament she's calling a bachelorette party?

The Response:
This one requires some creativity, and a small white lie: You would LOVE to be Gretchen’s bridesmaid, but there’s one small twist: You’ve developed an allergy to beer. Even being in the same room with hops causes you to break out in hideous, itchy hives — so the Coors Light keg at her reception is a deal breaker. In short, Gretchen’s wedding is a no-go, because you are literally allergic to it.
8 of 8
Illustrated by Abbie Winters.
The Invitation:
Your boss is tying the knot! She handed you the invite in the office, joking: “Don’t worry, it’s not mandatory. This, of course, means that it's absolutely mandatory. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to call in sick to a wedding, so you’ll just need to think of a really good excuse. Your lack of attendance will have no bearing on office politics or the promotion you’ve been working toward for more than a year, right?

The Response:
Wrong. I’m sorry, but you’re just gonna have to say yes to this one.
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