Earlier this month, my co-worker Alix Tunell identified — in
excruciatingly accurate detail — the seven straight male prototypes found on Bumble and the colognes they so often wear on dates. But, as a twenty-something bisexual beauty editor with a similarly trained nose for fragrance and dating app bullshit, I know that there's a lot more to the story than that.
It's time to talk about all the
girls you meet. More specifically: the do-gooder, the womanizer, the couple, the not-fully-out, and other archetypes you'll see lurking around the corners of the "women interested in women" on Tinder. Mike Pence was wrong: The future is female. Ahead, a primer on what you can expect each of 'em to smell like.
Time Magazine just named Sam "The Next Mark Zuckerberg" of Silicon Valley, making her by far the easiest Google search in the history of online dating. If only she hadn't shown up 10 minutes late wearing an untucked shirt and backwards hat, and then spent the entire night showing you mock-up designs of the app she's developing....
The next best thing in fragrance: Byredo's brush-on powder scent. It's got lemon, neroli, violet, jasmine, vetiver, and cedar wood — housed in cool new packaging that she definitely knew about before anyone else. Byredo Kabuki Bal D’Afrique Perfume, $65, available at Barneys.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take," Brittney's bio reads, which you'll instantly be reminded of the moment she asks you to join her on an action-packed hike across Breakneck Ridge 30 minutes into meeting. Appreciate an affinity for the Whole 30 Diet, barbell squats, and bungee jumping? Then you might want to ready your Venmo for all the Airbnb rental money she'll be requesting.
When she's not reaching for her go-to Old Spice — a staple in her collection since she found it in her brother's room at age 14 — Brittney opts for a unisex eau de toilette that smells equal parts clean, crisp, and sporty.
Molton Brown Coastal Cypress & Sea Fennel Eau de Toilette, $65, available at Molton Brown.
"It's my gynecologist's 50th birthday party," "I have an appointment with the dog groomer at PetCo," "My brother-in-law's fifth baby
might be born then" — no excuse is too obscure for Rebecca, the texting-but-never-committing Tinderer. That doesn't mean you won't engage in a five-week, thought-provoking conversation about dismantling the patriarchy, but like asking your grandparents to plan a dinner party, it never actually goes anywhere.
If you, by way of miracle, actually meet up, you'll notice her scent is warm and sweet (that's thanks to the sandalwood, rum, and coffee) with lots of complex layers — just like her. It's okay if you also wonder how she sprays on
anything with that texting-induced carpal tunnel. Krigler Subtle Orchid, $255, available at Krigler.
Emily is the real-life embodiment of Pharrell Williams' "Happy." She wears her heart on her floral J. Crew sleeve, so much so that friends have started comparing her to Charlotte York from
Sex and the City — if only Charlotte also lived in a dark, cramped studio with three roommates that all sing along to Showtunes.
Show up with a bouquet of flowers at her stage door, and you'll get brownie points. Show up with this soft, dreamy white violet and jasmine blend, and you've just earned yourself a permanent spot on her favorites list in her contacts.
Marc Jacobs Daisy Limited Edition, $100, available at Macy's.
Introducing one-half of The Couple. "Looking for a third to have some fun!" her bio announces. Despite the alarms going off in your head, you'll come
thisclose to meeting Alexis, the beautiful straight woman with a Rosario Dawson smile and annoyingly present boyfriend.
Pear sorbet, crisp mandarin, buds of blackcurrant — it's the bottled-up version of forbidden fruit, and it's just as sweet, sexy, and wildly addictive.
Juicy Couture Viva La Juicy Glacé, $96, available at Sephora.
Like the season four producers on
Bachelor in Paradise, Taylor's got a lot going on. She's non-monogomous, vegan, and when she's not rehabbing a traumatized Pitbull from a shelter or re-reading her favorite book "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" for the 14th time, she'll take you to some of the coolest hole-in-the-wall bars you wouldn't have found on your own. Until you find out she's been actively sleeping with the hostess — and would you like to join?
Eco-conscious and gentler on the planet, this perfume oil encompasses all the whiffs you'd get standing in line at a hipster coffee shop: chai tea, almond milk, and burning incense. Jasmine helps soften the edge.
MCMC Fragrances Noble Perfume Oil, $45, available at MCMC Fragrances.
You can't quite make out who's who in any of her photos, and that is precisely the point: Ashley isn't
fully out of the closet yet. When you meet, you'll wonder what someone who looks like she's fallen from the pages of a Bulgari catalogue is doing sitting behind a computer all day. She, on the other hand, will be wondering how in the hell you'll handle being called 'friend' at all those family dinners and co-worker happy hours.
Think of all the crisp, clean things (marine accords, orange blossom, sparkling water) that smell polished and refined at first sniff. But let it linger a bit, and you'll uncover a beautiful bouquet of lily of the valley, rose, and cashmere. There's more beneath the surface here, just like the woman who wears it.
Issey Miyake L'eau D'Issey Pure, $109, available at Sephora.
Don't worry about the fact that it took Dax a solid two weeks to respond to your straightforward "hi." She
is into you — and about five other women. Expect a string of 3 a.m. invitations to spend the night after spinning 1 Oak or XS, in which you'll accept every damn time — even when your friends insist she's no good for you.
This warm, smoky blend of vanilla bourbon and oakwood smells a hell of a lot better than dry whiskey breath, and is arguably more sensual. Whether the bottle's resemblance to a flask is sheer coincidence, well, that's still up for debate.
Elizabeth and James Nirvana Bourbon, $110, available at Sephora.
On days she's
not studying for her Social Investment And Economic Growth in East Asia course or advocating social justice issues on her personal blog, you can find Erin at the park wearing a Pussy Grabs Back T-shirt, minding her own business, just waiting to school you on law and policy.
Considering the fact Erin is only on Tinder (and Facebook, Instagram, and Tumblr, for that matter) to get her political point across, it should come as no surprise that her perfume of choice is simple and fruit-forward,
with a side of social responsibility. Sigil Limited Edition Pride Eau de Parfum, $100, available at Sigil Scent.
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