Hump, Marry, Kill: All That Glitters Is A Russian Gymnast’s Hair & Makeup

Hump: I realize everyone’s all about McKayla Maroney, who’s not impressed with anything, especially her silver medal on the vault. And trust me, I'm as big a fan of McKayla’s sour face as much as the entire internet. That girl is everything I wanted to be at 16.

But have you guys seen Aliya Mustafina? First of all, her face, nay, her countenance is straight out of an epic James Bond/Tolstoy crossover event that Hollywood needs to make happen right now just so she can star as the tragic villain. Second, her commitment to straight-outta-'92 sparkly eyeshadow, eyeliner, and hair glitter (which, true confession, I have always wanted the occasion to wear) is unparalleled. In Olympic past, the Americans were right there with other teams in terms of tacky glitter makeup, but this year, they appeared to possibly have some sort of professional stylist who must have advised them against it (epic fail, if you ask me...what’s an Olympic floor performance without a sparkling American flag on one’s cheek?).

But not Mustafina. Oh no. My girl Aliya and her teammate, Viktoria Komova, were like, “Listen, suckas, we know that NBC is going to paint us as massive divas no matter what the medal outcome, so we’re gonna wear purple glitter eyeshadow, blue eyeliner, and silver sparkles in our hair, and you’re all going to like it.”

Plus, that thumbs-up she gave Aly Raisman after the floor finals to demonstrate she knows how to play nice was like the icing on the sparkle cake that is Mustafina. Oh, to be a fly on the wall post-games with Aliya and Komova back at the gym in Russia.

The season premiere of NTSF:SD:SUV::, a satire of procedural cop shows like NCIS and CSI, freaking brought it last night when they managed to parody 21 Jump Street, Back to the Future, Glee, Never Been Kissed, and add in smacks of Varsity Blues, and other high-school movie tropes and stereotypes in just 11 minutes. Oh, and the episode took place at Nick Cannon High School. Subversive genius at its most blatant.

My favorite character, Piper Ferguson (played by Paul Scheer’s wife June Diane Raphael), donned her best blonde wig to infiltrate the popular crowd and lend a hand to the NTSF team by, well, giving out handies to high-school students. Always willing to help out the team, that one, even if her partner is the dim-witted David Caruso of San Diego’s National Terrorism Strike Force.

Kill: It’s often said the first sign of a good sitcom is a montage of grieving characters and cemetery visits during the first act of the pilot. What’s that? No one has ever said that ever? Oh, well then that explains why the post-Olympic “sneak peek” (translation: “If we premiere things after a huge event that already has an audience, we can tell advertisers it was the 'highest-rated premiere ever’ — even if it’s just viewers being too lazy to change the channel!” See previous example: Smash) of Matthew Perry’s new show, Go On, was — to make the obvious joke — something I wished could stop. Immediately.

Listen, I like Matthew Perry. He was great as Chandler Bing, my kindred spirit in the Friends ensemble. Could he have BEEN any more amusing? Can everyone in America COMPLETELY capture Chandler’s inflection and phrasing?

Therein lies the problem with Matthew Perry’s post-Friends forays. On Mr. Sunshine, he played the sardonic manager of a sports arena. On Go On, he plays a sardonic sports radio host coping with the sudden death of his wife. Even the introduction of a motley crew of group therapy attendees doesn’t force Perry to alter his inflection or line delivery in any way. Through it all, he’s just being Matthew Perry. The Daniel Day Lewis of sitcoms, he is not.

Also, grief? Not that hilarious, NBC. Don’t expect Go On to, well, go on past five episodes when it re-premieres this September.