Hump: Need a non-threateningly handsome love interest for the female character on your show, who’s usually unlucky in love and prone to making snide barbs about sex at her own expense instead of having genuine emotions and lasting relationships? Sounds like you need Nick Zano — now appearing on 2 Broke Girls and Happy Endings in exactly that capacity.
Oh, Zano, always the eye candy, never the serious boyfriend. You are nice to look at, though.
Marry: Everyone here saw Horrible Bosses, right? I assume we all agree the best part of that movie was the scene when Charlie Day, coked out of his mind, sings The Ting Tings’ “That’s Not My Name” by himself in a car. I would watch that man do anything. This week, he pulled double duty with a surprise appearance on an otherwise lackluster SNL and as his usual Charlie Kelly self on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The show’s gone kind of off the rails as of late, given that Charlie, an illiterate punching bag, often plays the straight man, but that one scene when he locked eyes with Mac across the restaurant...how badly did you wish he was locking eyes with you? (Answer: so, so badly.)
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Kill: Oh, Golden Globes. You have betrayed me worse than [insert name] betrayed [insert name] in that one Shakespearean tragedy. You know, the one with the people and the castle and the treachery. That one.**
I realize that in the past, I’ve questioned your legitimacy as an awards ceremony. Surely, you’re just a mild precursor to the big shebangs (Oscars, Emmys), when celebrities are not granted the privilege of drinks and a meal as they sit in their too-tight finery for over three hours. (Watching other people receive gold statues when you haven’t eaten in three months is surely a Herculean feat of completely societal-induced proportions.) Nevertheless, people like to treat you as the precursor to the major leagues, which is why I felt such disappointment at the 2013 nominations. Namely, the one for Hayden Panettiere for Best Supporting Actress.
I’m sorry, GGs; I’m just not having it. If she couldn’t win me over playing Amanda Knox in a horrifying Lifetime movie (and I love me some horrible Lifetime movies), she’s certainly not going to earn my favor as the manipulative, conniving, spoiled brat version of Taylor Swift on Nashville. Then again, you are the people who chose to nominate Smash for Best Television Series over Parks and Recreation, so what do you know, Hollywood Foreign Press?
**Shakespeare = not my strong suit
Photo: Courtesy of Sonja Flemming/CBS; Joey L./FX; Courtesy of Bob D'Amico/ABC