Refinery29's Halloween Stars: Joshua David Stein Barks up a Birch Tree

stein1029 Short on inspiration for Halloween this Friday? Refinery29's favorite people share their best and worst trick-or-treating moments to help you prepare for the holiday in style.
Joshua David Stein, Writer—Birch Tree.
What's the best costume you've ever had?
In 5th grade I was a 50 pound bag of dog food. Dry dog food. Iams, actually. I had a bowl of dog food on my head. Bitches loved it. Oh yeah, also, at one point, I was Tantalus. I had a toga, a fake bunch of grapes and I had fashioned a wrought-iron harness that hung the grapes always out of reach. I went to Heidi Klum's Halloween party that year. She eclipsed me. She had a UFO out of which she crawled, completely covered in gold, followed by an entourage of midgets.
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What's Best costume you've ever seen?
Lisa Mayock. 2007. Bodega.
What was your favorite candy as a kid?
My favorite candy was hot dogs. There was a woman in my neighborhood with a gimpy arm. She made hot dogs for Halloween. Therefore, hot dogs are my favorite candy.
What's the most absurd "sexy" costume imaginable?
At one point, there was an STD test I had to take where a Q-Tip was inserted into my urethra by a nurse. It was extremely painful. The idea of a sexy nurse, therefore, is absurd to me.
Have you ever had a wardrobe malfunction?
My life is a constant wardrobe malfunction, each unwise sartorial decision opening into a new one.
Do you have any costume pet peeves?
Anything from Ricky's, any Karl Lagerfield, cheerleaders, ghosts, Freddie Krueger, and zombies (for the most part).
What was the schlockiest last-minute costume you've seen?
At one point, in elementary school, I just threw on my SpaceCamp onesie and said I was an astronaut.
What was your best Halloween moment?
In Florence one year I was the Minotaur. I was in a loincloth and traipsed around the city trying to find clay which I for some reason thought it was necessary to smear onto my body.
Any plans for this year?
I'll be on the Mayan Riviera, celebrating the Festival of Life and Death.