This Is Us Showed Us Something We Never See: The Grief Of A Partner After Miscarriage

Photo: Ron Batzdorff/NBC.
The odds weren't in Kate and Toby's favor. Miscarriages happen in about 15-20% of known pregnancies. Tragedy happens in about 99% of This Is Us episodes. When we found out last week that Kate (Chrissy Metz) had lost her baby, it was as unsurprising as it was tragic. What was refreshing, though, is the emotionally complex way the show dealt with this loss. Emotionally complex is what TIU does best.
Other TV shows have used miscarriages as a convenient way to resolve unwanted pregnancies. At best, the loss of an unborn child is a trauma the would-be mother experiences, while her partner's response is calm and supportive. With Kate and Toby (Chris Sullivan), we got to see a raw version of how this can affect the expectant father as well.
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"Toby, it happened to me it didn't happen to you!" Kate snapped at her fiancé in their fight during "Number Two."
Toby is not having that. "I will be your entire support system through all of this," he seethes in response. "But what I will not do, what is not fair for you to do, is to tell me that I wasn't a part of this. Yeah, it didn't happen to my body, I get that. ... It happened to me too and it hurt."
Executive producers Elizabeth Berger and Isaac Aptaker told Entertainment Weekly about how much care went into crafting that bitter argument scene in the writers' room.
"[W]e have had people in our room who have experienced this very personally and were able to articulate what it’s like on both sides of the gender equation," Aptaker said. "Based on that, they’re both completely right, and there’s a lot of emotion. They’re saying things they don’t totally mean, but they’re both completely right in that fight, which is what I think makes it so compelling — and what made it such a long, drawn-out debate to get the scene right."
Metz, who made the press rounds to promote this heavy episode, told E! Online how important she felt that scene was. "It's such a great part of the story because so many men generally don't speak about their feelings or are told not to ... but their feelings are valid and very important to convey," she said.
That vulnerability might be what makes Kate and Toby's relationship strong enough to survive this loss, just as Kate's parents made it through the loss of their third triplet, Kyle. Even while our own TIU recapper (and Toby hater) Ariana Romero may wish that weren't the case, we're relieved to see Kate spared that tragedy ... for now.