Just in time to save us from the depressing current reality that is life, the relentlessly optimistic Kimmy Schmidt is back. Season 3 of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt landed on Netflix today, May 19, so let's ditch this warm summer weather and stay inside to binge-watch all 13 episodes of the Tina Fey-produced series.
Before we dive in, we should reacquaint ourselves with Kimmy Schmidt's world: After emerging from a bunker where she was held captive for 15 years, Kimmy Schmidt (Ellie Kemper) is ready to tackle real life. She moved to New York and got a job working for Jacqueline Voorhees (Jane Krakowski), before giving up the job to be friends instead.
This season, however, is unlike any other. After getting her GED, Kimmy is going to college, and if there's one place Kimmy Schmidt is more out of place in than the mean streets of New York, it's academia. Plus, we finally get to see her back with her perfect FOIL, Xanthippe, Jacqueline's step-daughter and current student at a prestigious university. How does Kimmy, of all people, wind up at the acclaimed institution alongside her nemesis? Like most things in Kimmy Schmidt, it doesn't make sense, but we're along for the ride anyway. Let's get started.
Episode 1 — "Kimmy Gets Divorced?!"
The last we heard from everyone’s favorite Titus Andromedon, he was leaving to sing on a cruise. Cut to the first scene of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt season 3, and Titus has been washed ashore the beach (so things went about as well as expected). Before we can learn more, however, we switch gears to Kimmy’s graduation party — or, the party she’s throwing herself for getting her GED. All the important people in her life are in attendance: Her landlord Lillian, who is running for district council, and Jacqueline, who’s only there because her boyfriend Russ is away. Missing? Dong, who was deported at the end of season 2.
That’s not getting Kimmy down, however. She’s jazzed to finally be a high school graduate, and has her sights on something even better: College. Nope, it’s not “just for rich kids and only the very best clowns.” Thanks to inspiration from Lillian, Kimmy is ready to take the next step.
As Kimmy settles down for a night of sleep, Titus returns home with a secret. He tells Kimmy the cruise ended early, which is one way to describe unceremoniously washing up in the New York Harbor. However, the past is the past — especially, it seems, Titus’ past with Mikey. He hasn’t told his boyfriend that he’s back in town, and doesn’t want to because he had to eat — sorry, he “lost” — his paychecks, and can no longer give him the life he promised. Luckily, Kimmy heard that Sesame Street fired all their actors, so Titus sets out to audition.
During all of this, Kimmy is fielding calls from the Reverend, who’s in jail. He needs his former victim to sign the divorce papers for the marriage they had in the bunker, so Kimmy brings them to Jacqueline for a once-over. Jacqueline’s experienced her fair share of divorces, and immediately tells Kimmy not to sign the papers. This way, Kimmy has the power. The two spend the rest of the night coming up with increasingly inventive ways to stall the process, all while infuriating the Reverend.
In order to get the details about Sesame Street, Titus must confront his nemesis Coriolanus Burt. Burt, who is currently appearing in Broadway’s Matilda as a child during the Wednesday matinee when the real child actors have school, gives Titus the info. The casting director has an exercise class in the park at 7AM, and Burt knows those are all Titus’ least favorite things.
However, Titus pulls through, making it to class and stealing the director’s phone. He makes a call to the assistant and gets himself an audition.
Meanwhile, Kimmy’s grown tired of constantly messing with the Reverend. After watching Lillian’s relationship crumble, she realizes that keeping a negative person in her life is unhealthy. However, she needs money for college, so Jacqueline convinces her to contest the divorce in hopes of making money off the Reverend’s assets.
The episode ends with Titus, who left his audition after, to put it bluntly, refusing to perform sexual acts on a puppet. The whole ordeal inspires him to find Mikey, but instead he stumbles upon the construction working heading into his house with another man. Titus, of course, assumes the worst, and he’s ready to unleash his wrath.
Episode 2 — "Kimmy's Roommate Lemonades!"
Episode 2 is all about, as Kylie Jenner would say, realizing stuff. Let’s start with Kimmy. Before the GED-clad optimist can make a decision about college, she needs to figure out what exactly she’s going to study. Ultimately, she turns to a career aptitude test, which, after many antics, ends up telling her to be a crossing guard.
With this knowledge in hand, she heads off for a tour at Robert Moses College, lead by a student named Perry (Daveed Diggs). Perry is a philosophy student who ends up inspiring Kimmy to take the same path (even though she claims she already knows the sound of one hand clapping). However, Perry is headed to Columbia next semester, making their newly-established friendship a little more complicated.
Before he goes, he leaves behind some words of wisdom: Kimmy doesn’t have to be a crossing guard just because a test told her so. She can be whatever she wants. And with that, she rips up her aptitude test, ready for a new dream.
Over in Titus-land, things are grim. He’s convinced Mikey is cheating on him because he was wearing his “date night outfit” when Titus spotted him walking into his house with another man.
“I’m not overreacting,” he tells Kimmy the next morning. “I’m doing what any reasonable person would do in this situation: I’m Lemonading.” This prompts an episode-long reenactment of Beyonce’s visual album, Lemonade. Yes, including that yellow dress.
Mikey approaches Titus as he’s hitting his car with a bat, and they have their first confrontation since Titus returned from the cruise. Mikey insists the man Titus saw, Jeff, is just a friend who came over to play video games, and that he was wearing his date night outfit because that’s all that was clean. Titus is having none of it, and storms off.
Later that day, Mikey comes by Titus’ apartment to reiterate that he has nothing to worry about with Jeff, and to prove it, he brings Titus along to meet Jeff at the batting cages. However, Titus can tell that Jeff feels something more for Mikey, and sure enough, the moment Titus leaves, Jeff makes a move.
This causes Mikey to have an existential crisis about his sexuality, and while he pledges himself to Titus, Titus knows he needs to let him go. It’s too much pressure being Mikey’s first love, and Mikey needs to spread his wings before they can ever be together.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline and Lillian are going head-to-head for city council, constantly squabbling over what’s best for the neighborhood. After some research, they find out that Kimmy is the only person in the neighborhood who can vote. They each vie for her loyalty, but it’s with the help of Perry and his affinity for philosophy that Kimmy finally chooses Lillian. However, after the first meeting, Lillian discovers that politics isn’t as easy, or productive, as she thought.
Episode 3 — "Kimmy Can't Help You!"
Russ is back! And together, he and Jacqueline are scheming to convince the Snyder family to change the name of the Redskins. Step one: Attend Orson Snyder, Russ’ dad’s, 75th birthday party. Here the couple plans to get into a huge fight so Jacqueline can get into the family’s good graces.
While the two of them get ready, Kimmy heads out to work on her extracurriculars. She needs a whole lot more experience if she wants to get into college, so she enlists Titus to give her acting classes — but they’re interrupted by a stranger named Wendy (Laura Dern). Wendy, as it turns out, is in love with the Reverend, and needs Kimmy to sign the divorce papers so they can get married. Instead, Kimmy eats the papers to stop Wendy from making such a huge mistake. The only way to reprint them is by using the deconstructed printer belonging to the neighborhood meth addict (still with me? Things are just going to get weirder), which only manages to print about one inch every minute. Wendy, a glass-half-full kinda gal, uses this time to get to know Kimmy.
Meanwhile, at the birthday party, Russ and Jacqueline’s plan to fake fight is interrupted with Orson’s announcement that he’s passing his role as chairman of the Redskins to his other son, Duke. Suddenly, Russ changes the plan. After Jacqueline throws her drink on him, he proposes, and outs her as being Native American. Now, she really is mad, and storms off.
Back in the apartment, Kimmy tries to figure out exactly why and how Wendy is attracted to the reverend, and she explains that she met him while teaching creative writing at the prison.
“It must be horrible,” she says after Kimmy recounts a particularly painful bunker anecdote. “For him. To have to live with the knowledge that he did all that stuff.”
“Wendy,” Titus begins. “Are you maybe like that lady who married Charles Manson so she could sell his body when he died? Because that’s a relationship we can all understand.”
Throughout all of this, Kimmy tries to change Wendy’s mind, but Titus stops her. He tells her to focus on college, and not get held back in somebody else’s mistakes.
“Let Wendy do Wendy and you do you,” he says, pushing Kimmy out the door. She goes on to complete her list of extracurriculars (French! Dancing!
Ultimate Really Good Frisbee!) Titus stays home to supervise Wendy, who finally opens about about why, oh why, she’s attracted to the Reverend. It has everything to do with her past relationships, which looked good on paper but always went south.
“With Richard, I know what I’m getting,” she explains. “He won’t cheat on my with my neighbor — because he can’t! He can’t scream at me when the Steelers lose, he can’t flip my cereal bowl in my face and call me a dummy, because now, I eat my cereal before I go to the prison. I’m in control for once.”
Titus can no longer resist. He has to fix her.
Outside the birthday party, Jacqueline and Russ argue, interrupted only when Russ is slowly run over by a car. He’s taken to the hospital and put into a full body cast, unable to talk or move. When his family arrives, they discuss his condition, and Jacqueline says she’s sure they no longer want anything to do with her now that they know her heritage. Actually, Orson says, her being Native American is a good thing.
“Just imagine the optics of having a Native American in the family,” Duke adds. “We’ll be bulletproof.”
In fact, they brought a priest to the hospital so Jacqueline can marry Russ (or at least, what remains of him) right then and there. With a light wiggle of his fingers, Russ secretly lets Jacqueline know that this is all part of the plan, and the two tie the knot.
Finally, the divorce papers finish printing, but now Titus doesn’t want Kimmy to sign. A flashback to the bunker reminds Kimmy of just how bad the Reverend can be, and that’s all the convincing she needs. She tells Wendy that she can’t sign because she won’t let the Reverend hurt another person. And with that, she checks off “Community Service” on her college application.
Episode 4 — "Kimmy Goes To College!"
To raise money for college Kimmy becomes a Tasker for TaskRabbit, a site where you can hire people to complete random tasks for you. She also signs up Titus, and they go their separate ways — Kimmy, to Columbia University to assemble some furniture, and Titus, to the house of a maybe-murderer who is willing to pay $100 just to hear him sing.
Meanwhile, Lillian is at the presentation of a man named Artie, a man who wants to open a natural food store in East Dogmouth. Obviously, she hates the idea, wary of the hipsters and gentrification it will inevitably bring with it, and decides to filibuster the proposal.
Kimmy makes her way to Columbia, where she knocks on the door of... Xanthippe, Jacqueline’s former step-daughter. Her roommates aren’t home, but they need Kimmy to put together their rowing machine. Xanthippe is alone because, surprise surprise, she’s had some difficulty making friends. Nobody wants to hang out with her because they think she’s a “rich brat,” and it doesn’t help that the dorm is named after her family.
In an effort to win over her roommates, Xan convinces Kimmy to unknowingly buy her alcohol, but this only makes things worse. Her roommates are spending the night working out to prep for rowing practice the next morning, and are pretty peeved that she brought alcohol into a prohibited space. Kimmy manages to somewhat smooth things over, and when she joins in by getting on the rowing machine, she discovers something: She’s good at rowing. Like, really good. All that time on the crank in the bunker really bolstered her upper body strength. She jets off to help Lillian, leaving the roommates speechless.
During all of this, Titus arrives at his singing gig where Gordy asks him to sing backup vocals on his songs. Here’s the catch: All the songs are elaborate and offensive conspiracy theories. Titus must make the choice between his morals and his fame. You can probably guess which one he picked. After singing on over 40 albums, he’s offered a chance to sing the lead vocals on one of the most offensive songs yet, “Boobs In California.” It’s about boobs in California. Reluctantly, Titus agrees, and the song becomes a hit.
Kimmy arrives to give Lillian, who’s been up all night filibustering and peeing into a bucket, a cup of tea to wake her up, but in usual Kimmy fashion, bungles the whole thing. She accidentally buys Sleepytime Tea, which immediately knocks Lillian out and ends her filibuster. Luckily, during her slumber, Artie appoints her to be community liaison of the natural food store project, so she can oversee the entire operation.
When Kimmy returns to Columbia, she finds Xan outside the dorm drinking the hard lemonade Kimmy accidentally bought. In a fit of anger, Xan starts throwing the glass bottles at the family crest, but is caught by the RA, who takes both of them to see the Dean. In a twist that could only happen on Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, the Dean commends Xanthippe for attacking the symbol of her own privilege.
Suddenly, they’re interrupted by the rowing coach, followed closely by Xan’s three roommates. They told their coach about Kimmy’s amazing rowing skills, and she ends up offering Kimmy a full scholarship to join the team. Yes, finally, Kimmy’s going to college.
Episode 5 — “Kimmy Steps On A Crack!”
Titus has a cold, which is, as you’d expect, a whole thing. Except this time, he might not be exaggerating. Lillian spots rashes, bumps, and bruises all over his body. They turn to the internet, everyone’s favorite doctor, which reveals that he actually has...scurvy. Given that just two episodes ago we saw Titus walking around eating a slice of cheese and drinking spaghetti sauce, it doesn’t come as much of a surprise that he’s not getting enough fruits and vegetables.
On her way to the drugstore to pick up medicine for Titus, Kimmy gets stopped by the FBI. They pull her into their van and show her a picture of Gretchen, one of her bunker-mates — the only one that actually join the Reverend’s cult willingly. They tell her that Gretchen is currently running a church out of a compound in rural Pennsylvania. For reasons they can’t disclose, she’s dangerous, and they need Kimmy to come talk her out of her cabin. She agrees because she feels partially responsible for the situation. After all, it was Kimmy who encouraged Gretchen to start her own cult in the first place.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline, Duke, and Orson are attending the engagement party of Flash, who’s marrying the third Mara sister, Mara Mara. Before they head over, the men stop by Jacqueline’s in hopes of grabbing Meemaw’s famous corn pudding recipe, which now belongs to Russ and is apparently a staple at any family event.
Titus goes on the hunt for Vitamin C, only to discover that their local supermarket isn’t a bountiful as they hoped. Instead of salad, they sell french bread salad (the only ingredient is “chunks”), and instead of oranges, they sell foam Garfield heads.
“Is it weird that we have to buy our food from a place that sells Jason mask and loose hamsters?” Titus wonders, prompting Lillian to ask the manager for fresh fruit. He tells her they’re going out of business, pointing to the new Big Naturals food store (yes, the natural food store Lillian was filibustering) opening up across the street.
Kimmy and the FBI make it to Gretchen’s compound. Gretchen allows Kimmy to come in alone, only to blame Kimmy for all of her failures as a cult leader.
“I did everything the men do,” she says. “I got a compound. I wrote my scripture. I got a bunch of child husbands.”
She opens the door to reveal a room of sweaty pre-teens, none of whom are interested in doing her bidding or any of the culty stuff she was anticipating. However, she refuses to surrender to the FBI — that would mean giving up on the only thing she’s ever cared about. Instead, she’s going to go down in flames. She opens a door to reveal a closet full of guns, revealing that, actually, she’s the one who called the FBI.
“That’s it,” she cries. “I’m going to build a bomb.”
That’s when the FBI finally decides it’s time for them to deal with the Gretchen situation, but they don’t know how to approach a woman. When she starts crying (because of the tear gas) they send in a saucy gay friend to make things right.
Back on the Upper East Side, Jacqueline goes through Russ’ luggage and finds the secrete corn pudding recipe. Russ has explicitly written on the recipe that it’s not for Duke, but now he’s not conscious to explain why. The only way to give them the corn pudding without giving them the recipe means Jacqueline facing her worst fear: cooking. Luckily, the ghost of Meemaw — or, something — appears to help, and she successfully makes the dish which is, admittedly, mostly corn.
Out of all other options, Titus and Lillian head to the natural food store in search of fruits and vegetables, where Lillian runs into none other than her nemesis, Artie. She’s forced to admit that there’s no other way to get fresh produce in their neighborhood, and that, actually, East Dogmouth needs a Big Naturals.
Jacqueline arrives at the engagement party, hot corn in hand. However, Duke says that all he really wanted was the recipe. He doesn’t like the idea of Russ getting something that he doesn’t have — that includes a wife who actually loves him. Suddenly, he and Jacqueline kiss.
Over at the compound, Kimmy has a realization. Gretchen can’t run a cult like a man, because she needs to run it like a woman. Females are strong as hell, after all. She goes out to face the consequences, and ends up in an amazing Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt-Orange Is The New Black crossover and I know I don’t have this in writing, but I had this idea like a month ago and said it as a joke. Like most things, this episode ends with me being right.
Episode 6 — “Kimmy Is A Feminist!”
Kimmy has finally started at Columbia, and she’s already crazy popular. In fact, she gets an invite to a day-after-Valentine’s Day party by one of the wokest guys on campus, Austin. Just as Xan invites herself to come along, Perry spots Kimmy on the quad.
“Surprised?” Kimmy says.
“Very,” he replies. “Because two weeks ago you were applying to community college and wanted to be a crossing guard.” Turns out, he’s not super on board with Kimmy just being able to walk in and get a scholarship while he’s working two jobs to stay afloat. And he’s not wrong!
Duke gives Jacqueline a call to apologize for kissing her so suddenly at the engagement party, and says he wants to make it up to her. He’s outside her apartment with champagne, strawberries, and body chocolate — for the strawberries’ bodies.
“Mind if I light all your candles?” he says, walking into the apartment. I now have a crush on Josh Charles, and it’s entirely this show’s fault.
Jacqueline calls Kimmy for help, saying she has to play into Duke’s advances because he’s the chairman of the Redskins. If she offends him, her whole plan is ruined. Unfortunately, Kimmy can’t come help because she’s busy getting ready for her first party, so she hands over Titus’ number, and he happens to be totally on board. He finishes up buying chocolate, edible underwear, and cherry lube from the store (he needs the vitamin C!) and shows up at Jacqueline’s apartment, forcing Duke to leave. Unfortunately, Duke grabs the wrong bag on his way out, and once he sees what Titus bought, thinks he’s another man fighting for Jacqueline’s affection. Titus goes along with it, assuming his new made up heterosexual identity, Cork Rockingham.
He comes “clean” to Jacqueline, who now has to go along with this new ruse. This prompts Duke to reveal his true intentions also.
“You’re both crazy,” she says. “I’m a married woman.” That being said, she makes them dance for her love.
Kimmy, after running into Perry at the school bookstore, heads to Austin’s party. He hands her a drink (“Call me a feminist, but I think women can handle just as many drinks as men!”), shortly followed by a sexual consent form. Taken aback, Kimmy rejects him.
“Mommy,” he says, picking up the phone. “A girl thinks I’m not special.” Turns out, Austin’s just 17, which reminds Kimmy that everyone at this party is actually...a baby. She decides to take Xan home.
The two hop on the bus, and Perry just happens to be the driver. Kimmy comes clean about the fact that she was trying to be something she’s not.
After a grueling series of competitions, Jacqueline realizes she really is attracted to Duke. Instead of Titus keeping Duke away from her, she needs Titus to keep her away from Duke. She’s just so lonely with Russ in a cast, and Titus hasn’t been touched by a man since he ended things with Mikey. Briefly, in maybe the weirdest moment in the series, Titus and Jacqueline make out, before deciding to call in reinforcements: Lillian.
Lillian arrives pretending to be Jacqueline’s downstairs neighbor, and they duck into the bathroom to come up with a plan. In order for Jacqueline to stay in Duke’s good graces, she has to pick him — or at least, trick him into thinking she did. She drops a pill into Duke’s drink, and he conks out.
Perry drops Kimmy off at her apartment and the two kiss goodnight. Things were going well until he revealed that he’s going to divinity school to be a reverend. When she hears that word, Kimmy freaks out, telling Perry she never wants to see him again.
The next morning, Duke wakes up thinking he slept with Jacqueline — until he finds video on her iPad proving they didn’t. He figures out that she and Russ are in cahoots to get leverage on him, but he doesn’t know she’s already got it. While the iPad was recording, it caught Duke talking about the dangers of football, specifically concussions, and that their pension is just lunchmeat. If the video ever got out, he’d be finished, so he agrees to let Jacqueline come with him to the owners’ meeting. Her plan is finally underway.
Episode 7 — “Kimmy Learns About The Weather!”
Titus wakes up from a nightmare about the cruise, but deflects all of Kimmy’s questions. Instead, he wants to hear about her life, which is not going great. She’s upset about Perry’s career goals, but is interrupted by a weather announcement: Hurricane Tammi (with an I) is on its way. The weatherman’s advice? Get in a bunker.
According to Lillian, that’s just how the news works now. It’s designed to scare people for ratings, but Kimmy’s not on board with the fact that the weatherman is Reverend-ing the whole city. She heads out to save Manhattan.
Lillian arrives at the construction of Big Naturals to discover that Artie is actually addressing all her concerns. Every gritty part of the neighborhood is being memorialized, so instead to stop construction she convinces the construction workers to go on strike.
Titus, while out to get his boombox fixed, notices a commercial on TV that’s awfully familiar. An animated overactive bladder — with catchphrases like “foop!” — seems to be directly based on his likeness, and he’s convinced that a drug commercial he auditioned for before the cruise (“Cruise?! What cruise?”) ripped off his voice. He heads out to confront Big Pharma.
Meanwhile, Lillian confronts Artie. Or rather, he confronts her. He wants to know what her vendetta is really about.
“How can you be caught up in the ‘70s,” he asks, noting that it was an era all about change.
“But then some of us realized that change sucks eggs,” she replies. The conversation is over — until she stumbles upon the 2nd Avenue Subway she thought would never exist. Turns out, it’s only come up to this area thanks to things like Big Naturals.
“Progress, I guess,” says the construction worker.
But back to Kimmy. Before she confronts the weatherman, she decides to help Titus confront the voice actor who is ripping him off. They ambush him in the parking lot, and he admits he’s an impressionist who learned all about Titus thanks to surveillance footage taken by Big Pharma. Titus emails the videos to himself, and is off.
Now, it’s Kimmy’s turn for justice. She heads to the studio and confronts the weatherman, and forces him to admit that he’s gone “a little overboard.” However, it’s just because he needed people to listen. Every storm is different, and this is the one he’s sure he’s right about.
Kimmy decides to build a bunker — a safe, nice bunker — just in case.
Meanwhile, Titus confronts Big Pharma. They admit to the whole thing, but there’s nothing he can do. At his audition, he signed a form saying they now own his likeness. Not only that, but they somehow managed to convince him that he’s the bad guy, just like the bladder in the commercial. He slinks off.
Lillian heads back to Artie and admits that change, his kind of change, is okay. The two kiss, just as the storm hits.
Kimmy makes it back to her apartment just in time to build the bunker, but gets distracted by a forlorn Titus. He’s finally ready to admit what happened on that cruise ship — just as the episode comes to an end.
Episode 8 — “Kimmy Does A Puzzle!”
Okay so here’s what happened on that cruise ship: Titus ate Dionne Warwick. Or at least, he thought he did. They both were stranded on a lifeboat after the cruise “sunk” (more on that later), and Warwick (played by the amazing Maya Rudolph) kept taunting him. Titus awoke to a vision of himself eating the Grammy award winner, but just as he finishes this story, Artie points out that, no, Dionne Warwick is alive, and she’s on TV right now. She’s doing a telethon to raise money for the areas of New Jersey that have already been washed away by the storm.
Turns out, Titus was hallucinating, and now that the weight is off his shoulders, he’s ready to help Kimmy build her bunker, along with Artie and Lillian.
Before they get started, Kimmy makes a list of rules, including “keep it PG” and “no bad guys.” She’s ready for a whole lot of fun, but things quickly go south. All the board games are missing pieces and the apartment loses power, so the only entertainment left is Titus. He tells the “entire” “story” (once again, stay with me) of the cruise from start to finish, including how her replaced his ex-mentor, Dionne Warwick, after she fell ill. Things were going great until things caughtonfireandtheshipsank — at least, that’s how Titus says it. It’s clear he hasn’t entirely come clean.
Just then, the news comes on with an alert that the Port of New York has been closed, sending all ships out to sea, including Ocean Skank, the cruise ship Titus claimed had sank. Kimmy, who has found herself getting more irritable and retreating back to her bunker ways, asks him one last time to tell the truth.
Here’s what actually, actually happened on the cruise: Dionne Warwick got better, but Titus couldn’t handle going back to chorus. He poisoned her, along with the rest of the ship, with disgusting hot tub water. He needed to escape, so he left the ship on a lifeboat along with a bag of wigs — that’s what he ate instead of Warwick — and washed up on shore.
This, along with the realization that Titus has all the missing board game pieces, causes Kimmy to lose it.
“Even with all the extra chances I’ve given you, I’m not sure you’re a good person,” she cries, deciding to ditch the bunker and head to Columbia.
Titus, after talking with Lillian, realizes he needs to go after her. He follows her to Columbia, throws a rock through the window, and admits to Kimmy that she makes him a better person and that he needs her. They make up — because what’s a Kimmy without her Titus?
Episode 9 — “Kimmy Goes To Church!”
Kimmy is ready to apologize to Perry for freaking out, but first she needs to learn about what religion really is. Titus escorts her to church, which, no surprise, she loves. She makes a ton of new friends, and convinces Titus to audition for the choir as a part of his be-a-better-person initiative.
Titus sits through a painful choir audition and considers that his humanitarian act for the day. He’s about to leave, but then he’s stopped by a member of the congregation, Clara, who heard him badmouthing the choir on the phone.
She gives him a full interrogation about his sudden appearance at the church, but ultimately sends him on his way. He’s certain she’s out to destroy him, and Kimmy begs Titus not to ruin her new pious streak for her.
Meanwhile, Lillian heads to Jacqueline’s to get ready for Seder with Artie and his children. Jacqueline gives Lillian a mini makeover, and by “mini” I mean, you know, “bonkers.” She straightens Lillian’s hair, takes her shopping, and bumps into her nemesis, Deidre (Anna Camp). The two exchange forced pleasantries about the Benedict Arnold Club Easter egg hunt the next day.
By the end of the trip, Lillian can’t take it anymore. She doesn’t buy into Jacqueline’s need to impress other people, and with a quick shake of her hair and scuffle in the closet, Lillian is back to her normal self.
Back at church, Kimmy starts to have doubts. She notices that Clara uses the Bible as an excuse to do whatever she wants — just like Titus said. Kimmy even overhears her trying to talk to Reuben, the choir director, about Titus specifically, so Kimmy heads out to warn him.
“We’ve gotta tell on her before she tells on you,” Kimmy says, and Titus concocts a plan to catch her red-handed. However, Clara turns the tables. She’s not actually suspicious of Titus, she’s vetting him. She wants to set him up with her Reuben, who’s her nephew. However, Titus forgets to tell Kimmy the plan is off.
Meanwhile, Jacqueline and Lillian come up with a compromise that gets out of hand. They originally agree to swap just one article of clothing, but after discovering how much more comfortably the other half lives, Jacqueline fully morphs into Lillian 2.o. She falls asleep, but when she wakes up, all of her real clothes are gone — Kimmy and Titus accidentally grabbed them and brought them to church. Now she has to go to the Benedict Arnold Club Easter egg hunt dressed like Lillian.
In the midst of her humiliation, Jacqueline realizes something: She doesn’t care what everyone thinks. This leads to a breakthrough, and she comes clean. In front of her would-be peers, she reveals that she’s from South Dakota, her family isn’t rich, and she had to work her way to the top — and she’s fine with that.
Back at church, because Titus never told Kimmy that the plan had changed, Kimmy stands up in the middle of the service to speak her piece.
“Real religion’s a sham,” she cries, going on to disparage each and every one of the congregation. However, this just ends up inspiring. They’re all sinners, and thanks to Kimmy, they can stand up and admit it.
“So I guess real religion is about knowing we’re not perfect, but trying to be better. Together.” Kimmy says, and thus, this afternoon school special of an episode is over.
Episode 10 — “Kimmy Pulls Off A Heist”
It’s the day of the NFL owners’ meeting, and Duke and Orson confront Jacqueline about what’s on her iPad.
“You can make it all go away,” Jacqueline says. “Change the name.” The Snyders refuse to give in, so it’s game on at the owners’ meeting.
Titus returns from his date with Reuben feeling lukewarm about the experience, especially because the gas station he usually pees in now as a “Customers Only” bathroom policy. He has a plan, though: a heist. He enlists Kimmy to go to the store, buy something, get the bathroom key, and then throw it out the bathroom window. There, Titus grabs it, taking it to the hardware store and making a copy.
However, Kimmy’s part is far from over. Now she has to distract the owner of the gas station, Mr. Fucillo, every time Titus walks in so he doesn’t get suspicious, and she ends up getting addicted to the Pixy Sticks behind the counter. The plan is going swimmingly, until the owner bumps into Kimmy and Titus outside. Now, he knows their names and their faces — meaning he’ll start to notice that they’re coming in so often.
But he’s already on their tails. The toilet’s a mess and toilet paper use is up, so Fucillo checks the security footage, and realizes Kimmy has been acting real shady. He comes to her apartment and asks for her help analyzing the bathroom issue, knowing she’s a weak link ready to crack.
“Don’t let this bastard do to you what he did to Sharon,” Mr. Fucillo says. “That’s her name. My bathroom.”
Just as Kimmy is about to confess, Titus interrupts. Mr. Fucillo leaves, but is more suspicious of Titus than ever.
As Jacqueline enters the owners meeting, she passes through protesters demanding the Redskins change their name. Among them are her parents, who she promises some good news. Even though none of her other plans have worked out, this one will. And it really looks like it might! Until Duke Snyder gets arrested before she can show anyone the video. His family turned him in, claiming he was a part of ISIS so Jacqueline would no longer have leverage.
Luckily, a protest happening outside the meeting gives Jacqueline some last-minute inspiration. To stall the meeting, her father has Titus sing the star-spangled banner over the loudspeaker, forcing the uber-patriotic board members to stand up and put their hands on their hearts.
As Titus sings on the end of the line, Jacqueline runs to the meeting and Kimmy steals the bathroom key to throw into the river. It’s no skin off Titus’ back, however, he made multiple copies of the keys and hid them all over the city. Just as he gets ready to return home, he realizes he left his scarf in the bathroom. If Mr. Fucillo finds it, it’s game over.
Jacqueline makes it up to the meeting with a different kind of key — the key to the owners’ hearts: money. Native American protesters spend $250 a shirt burning Redskins jerseys, but they’re a small minority. Jacqueline points out that if the NFL could offend more people, they’d make more money.
“What if you offended a much bigger group?” she asks. Now she’s talking. The tables have turned, and her idea is met with a round of applause. The Redskins are now...the Gun-Takers.
Back at the gas station, Kimmy manages to sneak Titus in one last time, but before he can retrieve his scarf, he runs into his ex, Mikey. They catch up, and Mikey reveals that he’s dating a guy from Wall Street and they’re headed upstate for the weekend.
As Titus gets kicked out of the gas station once and for all, he realizes he hasn’t been living his best life because he’s been waiting around for Mikey, but Mikey may never come back. It’s time to move on.
Episode 11 — “Kimmy Googles the Internet!”
After Titus and Reuben go to the gym, Titus learns something unexpected: Reuben has a one-year-old daughter. This, as well as the many other grown-up aspects about Reuben, inspires Titus to take steps towards becoming more mature, and Kimmy, who received an invite to a dinner party at the home of Professor Van Arsdale-Yates (Rachel Dratch), decides to join him in that mission.
At the dinner party, Kimmy bumps into Perry and apologizes for freaking out at him all those episodes ago. There’s no hard feelings, but before they can chat any longer, they’re interrupted by Professor Van Arsdale-Yates’ wife, Diane (also Rachel Dratch). It’s time for dinner!
During all this, Jacqueline goes to the hospital to visit Russ, where she learns that his bandages are ready to come off the next day. However, the nurses want to prepare her for what “smooshed” patients often turn into — “a ball of holes.”
While out and about, Titus bumps into Reuben, who introduces him to his baby...Linda. The name “Linda,” or rather, the fact that that’s a name Reuben gave to a child, freaks Titus out, and he goes to find Kimmy at her dinner party to commiserate. However, she’s having none of it.
“Are you sure you’re not just freaking out about the baby and looking for a dumb excuse to bail?” she says. To prove her wrong, Titus says he’ll make his decision after having dinner with both Reuben and Linda that night.
Meanwhile, Kimmy has her own dinner to deal with. It turns out, her professor only invited her when she looked Kimmy up on the internet and found out she was a mole woman, and ended up outing her to the entire table. Kimmy leaves the party, followed by Perry, who admits that he already knew because he Googled her as well.
“I’m sorry,” Perry says. “I thought you knew that stuff was out there.”
Clearly, she didn’t. Kimmy storms off, only to receive a call from Jacqueline. She doesn’t know what to do about Russ’ impending disfiguration, and decides to practice on her friend, Mimi. On Kimmy’s end, hearing Jacqueline reminds her of Xanthippe, who may very well have Googled her as well.
Upon arriving at Columbia, Kimmy’s worst fears are realized. Xan has Googled her — and knows everything.
“Why do you think I’m always so nice to you?” Xan asks.
Kimmy gets curious, and decides to take a look herself at just what pops up when you put “Kimmy Schmidt” into the search bar. Turns out, it’s everything: her Today show interview, the court proceedings, the auto-tuned version of her rescue. It’s all on the internet and anyone can see it.
At Titus’ dinner, things aren’t going any better. Baby Linda just keeps acting more and more like the middle-aged aunt her name indicates, like saying the word “Mondays” and getting into the Slimfast.
To get to the bottom of the problem, Titus gathers a group of adult Lindas to hear about what it was like when they were babies. Here’s the catch: None of them went by “Linda.” They all agree that a baby named Linda is weird, but believe it’s the kind of thing you can look past — if you want to. It’s in this moment that Titus realizes that while there’s nothing wrong with Reuben, he’s not right for Titus. The two decide to call it quits.
Jacqueline fetches Mimi — who just got out of the hospital for butt surgery — to practice caring for someone who is sick. She carries her around, feeds her, takes her to the bathroom, and ultimately ends up hiding behind the counters to avoid dealing with her. It’s too much, and Russ’ unveiling is getting ever-closer.
After doing some internet-sleuthing of her own, Kimmy hunts down her old therapist, Andrea (Tina Fey). Andrea sees Kimmy being outed as a mole woman as a positive thing. She no longer has to spend all her energy hiding. She’s free to be exactly who she is — which means going back to school and holding her head high.
Jacqueline, terrified, goes to the hospital to find whatever horrible figure Russ has turned into, only for him to end up being 150 times more good looking than before the accident (no offense to David Cross).
It turns out, Kimmy’s embarrassment is yesterday’s news. Perry, who is presenting in front of Kimmy’s Intro to Philosophy class, decides to do it all as a rap. The moment he stars, however, it’s clear he’s the next YouTube-fail sensation. Kimmy refuses to let him go through it alone, so she joins him on stage for a truly terrible rap collab.
When all is said and done, Kimmy realizes that the more publicly embarrassing things she does, the further down all that mole women stuff appears on her search results. Look out world, Kimmy has a whole lot of goofing up to do.
Episode 12 — “Kimmy and the Trolley Problem”
While Xan may not be doing well socially at Columbia, she’s doing impressively well with her extracurriculars. She’s landed her own TV show on campus, called Profiles, and wants Kimmy to be her first guest. While Kimmy’s not too keen on publicly talking about her history as a mole woman, she remembers the theory of utilitarianism she just learned in philosophy. She decides to do something she doesn’t want to do for the greater good.
To get advice about going public, Kimmy calls her bunker-mate, Cyndee, who’s now a spokesperson for a bunker company. Kimmy finds her at the Javitz center hawking her wares, and the two head home to figure out what Kimmy should do about Profiles. Neither Titus nor Cyndee understand why Kimmy feels obligated to something she doesn’t want to do, so she invites them to her philosophy class the next day.
As far as Jacqueline is concerned, she’s loving the new Russ, but his new appearance takes both of them some getting used to. Russ can’t stop buying tabloids with his picture in it, and Jacqueline is having trouble maintaining their morals after her association with the improved Russ causes people like Andy Cohen to reach out to her about being a Real Housewife.
Jacqueline and Russ ultimately decide to take the meeting with Andy Cohen in order to get publicity for their charities, but Bravo doesn’t want anything to do with the Toilet Rat Jacqueline is trying to save. Instead, they’re more interested in Russ, who agrees to the whole Real Housewives deal at the expense of everything he and Jacqueline were working for.
“I feel like all this attention is making you forget what we’re trying to do here,” she tell him after the meeting.
For once, Russ wants to be on top. All their charity causes remind him of who he used to be. He’s ready to go on Real Housewives and start a new life.
Meanwhile, Lillian is in total romantic bliss. Artie reveals that he’s bringing her on a river cruise in Europe, and helps her buy a whole bunch of modern technology to look after her apartment while she’s gone. She’s on cloud nine, until Titus mentions that Artie is probably going to propose. Is this really what Lillian wants?
While Lillian ponders her romantic future, Jacqueline tries to fix her own. She invites the Snyder family to the apartment so Russ can remember what it’s like to be the underdog, but now that Russ is a “stud,” they treat him like a saint.
Jacqueline has an epiphany. Russ turning into a “stud” wasn’t for her, it was for him. Instead, this whole ordeal taught her that she can go it alone. They go their separate ways.
Kimmy takes her friends to her philosophy professor, but he ends up making things more confusing. Unfortunately for Kimmy, utilitarianism is just one theory. There’s no right answer for how she should live her life. She decides she doesn’t want to tell her story, and puts Titus on the show in her place.
Over with Lillian, who is ready to move on after watching a video of her deceased husband, things take a twist. When Artie doesn’t wake up, she assumes he’s dead, but it turns out he doesn’t have a pulse due to a heart condition. A generous doctor gives him one or two more years to live, but he might only have one more month. The couple decides to live as much of their lives together as possible in the short time they have left.
Episode 13 — “Kimmy Bites An Onion!”
The final episode of the season finally addresses what we knew would happen: Kimmy is failing school. If she doesn’t get her grades up, she can’t be on the rowing team, and will get kicked out.
She hunkers down to study for her upcoming test, while Jacqueline helps Titus with some legal issues. His song, “Boobs In California,” is all over the radio, and he’s entitled to half of the earnings. Gordy, however, won’t budge — until Jacqueline points out that Gordy needs Titus to sing it live. He agrees to give Titus what he’s owed.
Kimmy does not get her grades up, and she is kicked out — but they still give her an honorary degree because she was a mole women. Now, she’s ready to pursue her dream of being a crossing guard. But first, she has to take the test, which the passes with flying colors, along with Yuko, the recurring robot gag. She only manages to best Yuko using what she’s learned in philosophy. In a scenario when an oncoming truck could hit either a group of kids or a businessman, Kimmy lets it hit her instead. Everything is going as it should be — until the police discover she’s still married to a registered sex offender in Indiana. Until they get divorced, Kimmy can’t be around children.
Another old face makes a comeback this episode. Doug, Jacqueline’s former arm candy, is DJing on the boat where Mikey and his boyfriend will be celebrating their three month anniversary. Jacqueline gets Titus a gig performing “Boobs In California” so he can win Mikey back. While on stage, however, Titus loses it when he sees Mikey kissing his boyfriend.
“All of this is for you, Mikey,” Titus admits. “Why do you think I’m up here singing this stupid song about women’s chunky charlies with a crazy man who thinks Hurricane Katrina was a David Copperfield illusion?” Titus promises that, one day, he’ll win Mikey back.
While Titus may not have gotten what he wanted, the experience taught Jacqueline that she makes a great agent, and that’s what she decides to do for the rest of her life.
Meanwhile, Lillian gets in an argument with Artie for not using his money to skip the waiting list and get a new heart from the hospital. She refuses to wait around just to watch him get sick, and heads home to drink herself into a wreck. When Kimmy comes home, unhappy about the way her crossing guard gig turned out, Lillian realizes that nothing is as it should be. She heads to Columbia, smashes a bust of the Dean, brings Kimmy’s ex-classmate, Zach, back to the apartment, and together they jump in his car on a mission.
The mission ends up being Zach’s lucrative startup, because, sure it is! He offers Kimmy a job in the funky-looking office, all because she noticed him at school and remembered his name. Looks like we know exactly what to expect in season 3, but then again, this is Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt — do we ever?