When we're one day bouncing our grandchildren on our knees, looking out over our sprawling mountain estates that have become the last refuge from cannibals that roam the interior of the country after our coastal cities became uninhabitable due to rising sea levels and cocktail prices, we'll have to explain reality television.
"Well," we'll say, "there were some misses. The Apprentice, for example, we never should have put that on the air. Big mess. Yuge. But without Jersey Shore, we never would have had President Polizzi and our second Great Society program. She really turned things around there after the first brush with fame."
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Before you laugh off this hypothetical, consider two things. One, Donald Trump is literally president. Two, Snooki is apparently a really good mom. If we sat you down after the first season of the Jersey Shore and told you those two facts, you would have asked us how many Four Lokos we had had to drink.
But the evidence is right here.
Snooki and Jionni's 2½-year-old daughter Giovanna Marie is super adorable. She looks like a gentle gremlin sent here to raise hell and be the First Daughter.
Their son, also, is cute.
Snooki considers Giovanna her best friend, which explains their on-bed dancing lessons.
Look, we tell you all this because [extremely Rocky IV voice]:
"During this fight, I've seen a lot of changing, in the way you feel about me, and in the way I feel about you. In here, there were two guys killing each other, but I guess that's better than twenty million. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that if I can change, and you can change, everybody can change!"
If Rocky can end the cold war, and Snooki can grow into an amazing parent, we can all accomplish anything. Now get out there and start doing.