BRB, Crying From These Hilarious Amazon Reviews

Amazon reviews are an essential part of the online shopping process.

They're what users depend on to let them know if the Snuggie they're considering is truly snuggly. They tell buyers if a package of "unicorn snot" is actually a lot smaller than the picture suggests. They warn against the perils of questionable snacks. And while many reviewers are obviously passionate about leading their fellow consumers on the right path, others treat writing Amazon reviews as a kind of comedic art.

Here are some of the funniest reviews ever to grace Amazon, covering everything from top blockbusters to the products of mythical animals. Click through to see the items reviewers are really crazy about. You might find your next great impulse buy. Or, even more importantly, learn what sugary treat you definitely want to stay away from.
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Prextex Cat Skeleton Best Halloween Decoration

This cat looks like more of a Charlie than a Dave to us, but we still love how happy this reviewer is with his purchase.

"Dave is very well made. He is the purfect pet. He eats just about nothing and no litter box mess from him. I bought Dave a collar and a toy mouse. He loves to hold that mouse in his mouth, he will stand there for days with that mouse. When he was sent to me he came very quickly and arrived nice and comfortable, in his shipping container. He has a nice spot in my living room, were he just stands and basks in the sun. Dave is the best pet, that I have ever had."
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JNCO Men's Bulldog Jeans - Leg Opening 32"

I mean, you really do need to try on jeans before you buy them, as this reviewer learned.

"Legs are too fitted."
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Photo: Courtesy of ThinkGeek.
Canned Dragon Meat

As one reviewer learned, not all dragon meat is organic…

"Don't fall for the baloney. There are no 'sisters' caring for the dragons. Radiant Farms gets their stock from the infamous Bosnian dragon mills, where the dragonlings are bred like rats, shackled at birth, and force fed a diet of genetically engineered oats and growth hormones. As for the eating, I was actually enjoying it until I picked out a piece of scale — GROSS! I live on a strict paleo diet, and this garbage just gave me heartburn. I wish I had done my research before I submitted my order!"
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Photo: Courtesy of Chronicle Books.
All My Friends Are Dead.

This reviewer didn't understand the prophecy until it was too late.

"Everyone who comes to my apartment and reads this book dies laughing. Now all my friends are dead."
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Magic Mike

This review was simply titled: "Misleading."

"I thought this was supposed to be about magicians."
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Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation

Perhaps this reviewer is just more optimistic than Tom Cruise.

"The mission felt relatively possible to me."
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New Otamatone Touch-Sensitive Electronic Musical Instrument Special English Edition

As this reviewer came to realize, no product is perfect.

"Interesting toy. It was a challenge to figure out the exact spots on the neck to tune the notes, but fun, nonetheless. I'd give it 5 stars, but when a couple friends and I tried to play Greensleeves, like in the product demo, a rift opened up between us and released the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

4/5 Fun toy, but brought the End Times."
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Photo: Amazon.
Creepy Halloween Dead Walking Zombie Gnome Garden Statue Sculpture

We would feel sorry for this reviewer, but given the product's name, he should have seen this coming…

"I had it out in my yard less than two weeks when it bit and infected all my other gnomes. I had to go out in the middle of the night and shoot their heads off before they attacked the flamingos. The neighbors did not appreciate the gunfire and called the cops...now I have to move. Anyone want to buy a house in Gnome, Alaska?"
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Lady and the Tramp

Cat lovers, this one is for you.

"I will never purchase this video or any film that vilifies cats. I'm a cat lover and this treatment in the movies of these wonderful animals makes me sick. The people responsible for making this movie had to be cat haters."
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Montegrappa Chaos Limited Edition 18K Gold Fountain Pen Fine Point

Would you remortgage a house to afford this $65,700 pen. According to this reviewer, the answer is obviously yes.

"The only reason that I bought my house was to remortgage it to buy this pen...it took a lot to convince the bank that my house was suddenly worth the extra money all of a sudden but when I showed them a picture of this fountain pen, they practically stumbled over themselves to open up the vault. They actually explained that this pen is worth at least $100,000.00 so this is really an investment rather than a simple purchase. I am so pleased with it that I won't even take it out of the box in the hope that I can preserve it for future generations like a styrofoam container or a Picasso."
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Hong Fashion Pirates of the Caribbean Design Dog Clothes Costume for Dogs and Cats

One reviewer's grim tale of a bit of Halloween fun gone wrong:

"I am blind now, but I can still see the scene so clearly, blood everywhere. It started as a joyous occasion, since my cat pirate costume came in the mail that fateful day. I leapt with joy as I called my cat, Veggie, in. She sneered at me, but since this happens on a regular basis, I let that go. As I tried to put the cute hat on, she scratched and bit my arm. I knew I would be fine, her last rabies shot was in June of 2008, a fine date..."
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Set of 4 Burlap Potato Sacks 23x40

Finally, a reviewer who recognizes the importance of winning a potato sack race.

"Are you tired of losing potato sack races? Well I was, until I stepped into a 'Genuine' Potato Sack from the guys over there at Farber Bag & Supply. I don't know if they went to some special Potato Sack Engineering college or what, but those guys obviously know what they're doing when it comes to Potato Sacks.

Do they improve sacking performance? Why don't you ask the losers at my last company picnic. Sure, I'm 43 and most of the competition weren't older than 9 or 10, but that didn't stop me from leaving them in my potato dust. Yeah, I was the only one who showed up with my own personal potato sack, but there was no way was I hopping in anything but a 'Genuine' Potato Sack, much less, anything that didn't have the Farber Bag stamp of approval. Man, do those guys make a sweet sack!"
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Role Models

A very odd take on a movie that was intended to be a comedy.

"My father would watch this movie all day and never notice me. If you love children don't watch this movie."
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Ferrara Pan Atomic FireBall 150 Pieces

This reviewer disagrees just slightly with Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

"Ferrara Pan Atomic Fireballs are the genuine article. They are one of the Six Basic Survival Needs of Human Beings and no household should be without them.

List of Six Basic Survival Needs of Human Beings:

Oxygen
Water
Food
Shelter
Sleep
Atomic Fire Balls"
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Titanic

It's been said before, but that doesn't make this review of the classic '90s cry-fest any less true.

"I can't believe she wouldn't scoot over and let him float on the door with her."
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5-Hour Energy Energy Shots

This reviewer wants everyone to be truly prepared for how they will feel after guzzling this tiny bottle of orange-flavored adrenaline.

"WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FILL UP A 'SUPER BIG GULP' CUP WITH 5 HOUR ENERGY AND CHUG THE WHOLE THING. MY HEART HAS EITHER STOPPED COMPLETELY OR IS BEATING SO FAST THAT I CAN'T FEEL MY OWN PULSE.

CONS:
I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 72 HOURS.
I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE.
I PEED THIS MORNING AND I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS 99% BLOOD.

PROS:
I'VE DEEP CLEANED MY ENTIRE HOUSE.
I CAN READ MINDS AND FLY."
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Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears

These bears have become infamous in some corners of the web after a novella-length review involving one buyer's gastrointestinal distress started making the rounds. Just a sample of said review:

"The demon bears hadn't released their unholy necromancy upon my stomach yet, so in my moment of ignorant foolishness, I remained seated, still munching on those miniature bear-shaped bombs.
After the students wise enough to take the professor's offer had returned, the professor handed out the test. I was six questions in when it happened.

"It started subtly at first, almost like a slight tingly sensation in my lower abdomen. I thought nothing of it, assuming my intestines were just doing their thang. Little did I know that my intestines were trying desperately to warn me of the horror that was on the horizon.
By question 9 it happened again, but this time it was followed by a sharp pain, as if those infernal hellions had orchestrated an attack upon my colon. I fought to contain the groan that tried escaping my lips. It was at this point I began to panic; something was going horribly [wrong], and I needed to get through this test before it got any worse."
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Rubie's Costume Co. Men's Jurassic World T-Rex Inflatable Costume

This reviewer wasn't on the right forum, but that doesn't make his thoughts any less enjoyable.

"I am not sure if I'm on the right forum or not, but..here goes: My name is Bernie, I'm a single Tyrannosaurus Rex of the Theropod family, originally from Laramidia, or what you might know as the Western U.S. region. My parents were Malcolm and Tricia Bones, originally from Gondwana (I'm first generation), who were both professional dancers; however, my father was banished from Gondwana after accidentally squishing the High Order King's daughter Linda during a Carnivore's Ball when he was 29.

"Well...anyway, I still live pretty close to them, and we raid a farm or city bus every other week for a meal and to catch up.

"Currently I'm working at a small seasonal theme park that operates spring through fall. My job is to scare customers without harming or eating them, and occasionally do some landscaping; however, with my short arms I find it really hard to do anything involving any general lifting or pulling movements. In the winters, I dress up as a reindeer at malls, but am required to stay perfectly still. My boss used to send me to schools, but I'm not allowed within 50 feet after the last 'running incident' where I ate about a dozen school children after I sneezed and they realized I was real... It isn't my fault; it is in my blood to chase... Anyway, I love cats, large mammal bones, going for a jog in the park, and I'm very into history, particularly Late Cretaceous periods, discussing the Cretaceous-Paleogene mass extinction and theories involved... I'm a nice enough guy, honestly; I'm just looking for a she-Rex that is pretty, likes humble guys, and enjoys a quiet evening in a cave gnawing on bones watching reruns of the TV series Dinosaurs... Man, was that show great! Please call me; don't text, I really can't use my fingers or even pick up my phone most of the time..."
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Bag Of Unicorn Farts (Cotton Candy)

This reviewer was a little disappointed but did learn something new.

"Unicorns are my favorite thing in the world, and I had no idea they farted! I bought this for a friend that was having a birthday party, and it was a hit. My friend didn't share the cotton candy, but that's OK."
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Mr. Robot (Season 1)

There's something to be said for truth in advertising, per this reviewer's complaint.

"THERE IS NO ROBOT IN THIS SHOW I WANT MY MONEY BACK."
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Photo: Courtesy of Giant Gummy Bears.
Giant 26-Pound Gummy Worm Party Python Snake

With reviews like this one, can you really afford not to get a gummy snake?

"This gummy snake is a bargain all must have. As soon as I got it, my life improved well over 100%. I could feel the life force of the snake coursing through my veins. Lint fell from my navel. Lymph flew from my nose. I thought I had lost my vision until I realized that I no longer needed glasses. My muscle tone improved so much that I ripped the sleeves of my shirt. I suddenly felt as if I were 25 again instead of 55. My manhood became most impressive. My missing teeth grew back in. My belly suddenly sported a six-pack. All this, and I had not even opened the box! I cannot wait until I actually eat some of this comestible and experience its full effect!"
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Twister

I mean, this reviewer isn't wrong…

"Too many cows."
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Uranium Ore

According to this reviewer, this product might need a bigger warning label:

"I left this product next to my pet lizard, unfortunately now he's 350 ft tall now and is currently destroying Tokyo, Japan."
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A Bug's Life

Sometimes it's nice just to have a satisfied customer, like this very pleased reviewer.

"I love bugs."
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Coxeer Deluxe Novelty Halloween Costume Party Latex Animal Head Mask

Because sometimes, when the package arrives, you're simply not surprised.

"It is what it is."
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The Godfather

There should be a support group for overly literal Amazon reviewers.

"God made NO appearance."
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Accoutrements Inflatable Cthulhu Arm

I guess the question is, how long do you want to be wearing your (three-feet-long!) Halloween costume? This reviewer became one with his.

"It has become a part of me. This harmless-looking inflatable tentacle. It whispers. It whispers of oblivion, destruction, and its Master who shall rise from Ry'leh. What seems like an inflatable accessory in a cardboard box will drive you to insanity and pray for the Great Old One to consume you first."
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Avery Durable View Binder

This reviewer's political sarcasm is now charmingly vintage — she posted her thoughts in 2012, during a very different presidential race.

"As a woman, I'm not adept at making decisions that concern me. So when I need the right choice, I turn to the presidential candidate that KNOWS. One with prideful experience in this department. I don't want to be filed away in an inferior & confusing electronic doohickey that I couldn't possibly understand. Or heaven forbid, have a man ask for & listen to my ideas! I'd much rather rely on this top-of-the-line, 1980s style Avery Durable binder. It's the choice America can trust. My education, my ideas, my opinions, my choices, please PLEASE keep them safely stored away here and far away from the men that might fear them (I mean, want to use them to hire me someday never). I'd write more about this most useful product, but it's time I hurry home to make dinner."
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Photo: Courtesy of Our Own Candle Company.
Our Own Candle Company Smell My Nuts Scented Mason Jar Candle, 13 oz.

This reviewer really ran with the pun...

"Awesome! The best thing about this candle is, everyone that comes into my house can 'smell my nuts.' The aroma fills the air well, so you will 'smell my nuts' throughout the entire house. If this candle catches on and is bought & used by my friends and family, they will also 'smell my nuts' in their homes as well.

"So hurry and buy one today so that you may 'smell my nuts' in your house or office."
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