Scream Queens Episode 5 Brings More Chanels & Odd Accents

Photo Credit: Michael Becker / FOX.
Thanks to the World Series and the election, we've had to wait a month to discover the fates of Denise Hemphill (Niecey Nash) and Chanel No. 5 (Abigail Breslin), who were attacked and apparently left for dead on Halloween by the Green Meanie. Thankfully, we pick up right where we left off, with Dean Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis), Chanel Oberlin (Emma Roberts), Zayday Williams (Keke Palmer), and Chanel No. 3 (Billie Lourd) discovering the grisly scene.

Dean Munsch declares Denise DOA, but Chanel No. 5 is alive, but brutally injured and in need of immediate medical attention. "For the love of god, No. 5," says Chanel, "Denise is dead! Can you give us two minutes before you make it about you?"

As far as Denise's body goes, Dean Munsch wants to toss her in the swamp, because that's been working out so well for everyone. Then there are more screams. The group leaves No. 5 bleeding and find a room full of vines and a bunch of dead Alexander Hamiltons. Munsch orders the girls to change out of their costumes but asks Zayday to help her with something. Zayday thinks they're tossing Denise into the swamp, but Munsch tells her that she's still alive but just barely. They go back for her and take her to a truly insane cryogenic chamber (paid for by the Radwell fortune, natch) that Munsch was planning on using on herself if she can't cure the cannibalism disease she's dying from. The pair put Denise on ice.

Later, a back-to-mostly white Chanel flirts with Dr. Brock Holt (John Stamos). "It worked. I peed out all the blue," she says. "My butt is still really blue though, so I kind of look like a blonde baboon."

Brock explains he didn't know who tampered with his mixture that turned Chanel into Smurfette. He laments not going after her. "The only reason I got busy with Munch was because I thought I lost a chance with you," he explains. Awww. Chanel says that for her part, she was mourning Chad Radwell (Glen Powell) but that's over, because "I have like zero emotional object permanence" she explains.

Anyway, despite the murders, all the free publicity the CURE center received leads to booming admissions, with tons of people with strange conditions coming for treatment, including a woman who works for the United Nations whose accent shifts from sentence to sentence, which gives us a nice subplot that finds Brock, No. 3, and Dr. Cassidy Cascade (Taylor Lautner) because apparently the condition is contagious, and they become infected. "Oh crap, this is must have been what happened to Madonna," says No. 3 ."We should call her." It's a fun subplot, and basically lets us get to hear the actors goof off with whatever accents they want for the rest of the episode and underlines Scream Queens' general insanity as they begin to switch accents mid-sentence. "Before you sounded like Keanu in Dracula, and now you sound like Leo in Blood Diamond."

Meanwhile, Ingrid Hoffel (Kirstie Alley) has Chanel and Chanel No. 3 cleaning bedpans and catheters. They're just about over it and need spa time. "I am getting a manicure and a vag steaming," Chanel announces. And she figures out a plan for how to get more time off from gross gigs and have some human shields around for the Green Meanie to hunt: She's going to make more Chanels. "We need cannon fodder," she says. They interview patients with odd medical problems and finally wind up with Chanels No. 7 and 8. "One has Abe Lincoln disease and the other can't move her face or something," Chanel helpfully explains. They also wind up with Chanel Pour Homme, a guy named Tristan who wrote lesbian fanfic about them when they were on trial. The others are suspicious of him, thinking about his stalkery past, but Chanel defends him. "Gays don't murder people they're a peaceful, musical people, right? Name one gay serial killer." (Chanel No. 3 rattles off a list.)

That night while on duty, Chanel hears moaning in the hallways. she goes to investigate and finds Hester, who's escaped, and obviously upset that she wasn't asked to join up as a Chanel. "We didn't ask you to rejoin because you tried to kill us," Chanel explains, but brings her in anyway, because what would make more sense when finding a serial killer than having one on your side to tell you how they think? TOTALLY.

Zayday, on the other hand, is choosing to investigate the Green Meanie with actual detective work. She discovers that Dean Munsch didn't hire Chamberlain the candy striper (James Earl) and decides to look into him, but doesn't find much. Instead, she recruits No. 5 to help her interview a woman named Jane Hollis, who she thinks might have some connection to the 1985 murders. She claims to not have seen her son in years.

Munsch, meanwhile, calls Hoffel into her office and fires her. She doesn't like that she's threatening the Chanels for some reason. Hoffel fires back, and says she's not going anywhere or she'll reveal that Musnch has kuru from eating human brains."Don't cross me, slut, or I'll make sure it's the last thing you do," she says.

Did we get a montage yet? We do now, as the Chanels decide to celebrate the new Chanels with a makeover party at the hospital where they send Chanel No. 8 to find a gift -- a Hermes silver infinity choker -- in the morgue (to draw out the Green Meanie). There she finds Chanel Pour Homme, who's already looking for the necklace and wants to find it before she does. Disappointed, she leaves and comes back with the other Chanels, who find Pour Homme dead in a morgue locker with his guts ripped out. Hester smiles.

Munch is pissed that there's been another murder and that Hester is back in the hospital, but she seems to understand Chanel's plan. So she brings in her own Chanels, numbered 9 through 11. Chanel No. 9 is a goth dungeon master. Chanel No. 10 has no kidneys but 30 extra feet of intestines. No. 11 has 11 fingers. But, soon after leaving Munsch's office, the new Chanels run straight into the Green Meanie. He helpfully cuts off Chanel No. 11's 11th finger and she thanks him, then he stabs her thru the stomach.

Finally, while we learn that Brock has discovered a cure for their accent problems that involves watching movies with only American accents, Cassidy bows out, saying he has other plans (the worst bit of writing and continuity in the episode, btw), turning up instead at the home of Jane Hollis. "Don't worry mom. I'll take care of everything," he says, "After all you've been through and all you've done for me, you deserve it," he says, sinisterly. "You deserve the whole world."
Advertisement