Update: Lindsay Lohan Explains That Confusing New Accent

Lindsay Lohan has offered an explanation for her confusing new adopted accent. Speaking to the Daily Mail, Lohan revealed the reason she's speaking differently these days. According to the Mean Girls star: "[My new accent] is a mixture of most of the languages I can understand or am trying to learn." She added: "I've been learning different languages since I was a child. I'm fluent in English and French can understand Russian and am learning Turkish, Italian, and Arabic." Ah, so that explains it...
This story was originally published on November 1.

Lindsay Lohan has a new accent. Or maybe she has several new accents. The possibility of a set of sub-accents coalescing to form an uber-accent. We have not ruled out the accent-archipelago theory yet.

The actress, who recently opened a nightclub in Greece, spoke to Athens reporters today with a startlingly different accent. E! News offers the egalitarian note that Lohan “sounded like a combination of countries” but concludes “there’s really no saying what type of accent it was.” The Cut asks that we look past her accent and look at the content of her words: "she hopes that her nightclub business will somehow expand to include spas, and uh, refugee camps."

But look, who among us hasn't pivoted from a possibly abusive relationship with a millionaire into starting a semi-buzzy nightclub in Athens that seems shady even by nightclub standards?

We actually have a single unified theory of Lindsay Lohan's accent. I've heard this accent all over, but most strongly in this crunchy-granola hippie type that lived in the dorms down the hall from me when we studied abroad in South Africa. He was a nice enough guy, but it was super important to him that everyone understand what a free spirit he was, how connected he was to the people around him, and how he was just slightly morally superior to you because of how well he understood the local customs. Mainly, he did this by getting dreads midway though the program, hacky-sacking with local students, and hanging out with American girls that thought he was deep.

He's not really notable except as an archetype, but his accent was. This white guy born in Israel, moved to New Jersey, and was being educated in Berkeley, spoke with this weird-semi-patois that combined elements of Zulu-South African pronunciation, occasional Jamaican-inflected consonants, and some vocal constructions that I think were borrowed from Hebrew. We were in South Africa, so that was the blend he used. But had we been in London and Greece, he would have picked up the threads of those accents and blended them together in the sausage grinder he called his "personality." I still occasionally hear it sometimes, like when a white guy (usually a white guy) wants to talk to a Latino Uber driver but doesn't speak Spanish but wants to seem like he might speak Spanish but doesn't want to fully do a Spanish accent so he just sort of halfway rolls certain random Rs. You know?

That's what Lohan is doing. The "I am studying abroad with my foreign friends, who are just so much more authentic than my American friends" accent. It's a pretty stirring rendition.

Basically, we need you to hear this.
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