Uruguay? That’s so last week. The Bachelorette traveling circus has rolled into Argentina. JoJo and her guys are in Buenos Aires. JoJo thinks this could be the perfect place to fall in love. She’s feeling it like the beat of a lusty tango. “This week is going to be huge,” she tells Chris Harrison.
Chris Harrison heads straight to the guys and drops a bomb on them. This week there will be three dates: a one-on-one, a group date, and, wait for it, another two-on-one! The words reverberate through the assembled men. Two-on-one. Two-on-one. The more they say it, let’s be honest, the dirtier it sounds. They all know their Bachelorette history: there has never been more than one two-on-one date in any season. JoJo and her pal Chris Harrison have upped the stakes and the men are feeling it.
They check into their swanky digs and see how many guys can fit on a delicate settee. (Three, it turns out.) The first date card arrives. It’s the solo affair, and the next man up is Nashville DJ Wells. Wells admits something to his roommates before he leaves. He hasn’t kissed JoJo yet. Again, shockwaves ripple through the group, but this time, it’s because they smell weakness, one of their own has self-identified as vulnerable. “What if you kiss her, and there are no sparks?” Alex asks, not so innocently. “Are you going to kiss her today?” Luke says making sure Wells knows the pressure is on. Even lovable James T. knows that it's time for Wells to get down to business and get that kiss out of the way.
The stars are not aligned for Wells on his private date. She’s clearly waiting for him to make a move, she as much as says so, and it takes him a long time to make that move. He doesn’t do it when they are shopping in the market or strolling along the sidewalk. They go to the rehearsal for a Cirque du Soleil-type show called Fuerza Bruta. There are fast moving treadmills and flying harnesses. There is a slippery suspended pool where performers twist and turn above JoJo and Wells. Wells still doesn’t make a move. It takes he and JoJo getting into the wacky Slip'N Slide for him to finally kiss her.
At dinner, JoJo asks Wells about his last relationship and that leads to a discussion about how relationships can fade away and lose their spark. JoJo doesn’t want to believe that it has to be that way. She is the unicorn Bachelorette after all. She doesn’t have the time to combat Wells’ skepticism. She picks up the rose, but it isn’t for him. It is time for Wells to say good-bye. The bag man arrives in the guys’ suite and grabs his lonely duffle bag. “Find what you’re looking for,” Wells says to JoJo. RIP, Wells.
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No time for tears, gang. It’s time for a group date. JoJo hits the streets with James, Jordan, Alex, Luke, and Robby. Robby is ready for action. “I don’t look at anyone as a front-runner other than myself,” he says. James is less confident. He’s surrounded by four dudes who look like they model t-shirts on the internet. He admits that it is easy to get lost in all the abs and perfect teeth. “I’m not going to blow anyone away with my abs,” James says, even though he is the only one to make the street soccer penalty kick for a kiss.
The group dinner date has more drama than usual. Luke uses his time with JoJo to get hot and heavy. While James uses his time with her to talk about Jordan. He’s got a story to tell that ends with Jordan being entitled and, well, “Jordan Rodgers.” James has his girl's back. He doesn’t want her to be fooled by the “million-watt smile.”
JoJo wastes no time pulling Jordan aside to discuss his alleged entitlement. He is angry and taken aback. He considered James one of his best friends in the house, which is weird to begin with, and he wants to make sure that she knows that he wasn’t raised to think he is better than anyone else. She buys what he’s selling, entitlement or not. Jordan returns to the group for some more super-awkward settee time. The furniture in Argentina is having a hard time holding up all these guys and their issues. Robby points out the awkwardness. Alex, perhaps the most competitive of the bunch, just takes a sip of his drink and enjoys the show.
The group date rose goes to Luke, probably because he left her gasping for air with that make-out session. The battle between Jordan and James rages on.
JoJo makes it pretty clear what is going to happen on the dreaded two-on-one date. “It takes two,” is what her date card said. That means tango. JoJo, Chase, and Derek show up for tango lesson and perform an extended (and oddly repetitive) tango for three. This tango for three involves JoJo leaning into Derek, then Chase, then Derek, then Chase. You get the idea. Derek is confident. Chase is, in his words, “trying to be respectful, but I want to win.”
JoJo makes her choice over a sad steak dinner. Chase gets the rose and Derek gets the boot. She walks Derek to his car. They share a final hug good-bye. Then the moment we were all waiting for — at least the musical theater fans amongst us — happens.
Chase joins JoJo on the ballroom floor. The strings swell. A lovely woman named Soledad Pastorutti steps onto a balcony above. “Don’t cry for me Argentina,” she sings. JoJo clings to Chase. “The truth is I never left you.” Derek's eyes start to tear up in the car. “All through my wild days, my mad existence.” Jojo and Chase sway slowly. “I kept my promise. Don’t keep your distance.” Derek begins to cry by himself in the car. He chastises himself — “Don’t cry!” He refers to himself in the third person. The drama is manufactured, but palpable. We get our perfect, and perfectly campy, Evita moment in Buenos Aires. Adiós, Derek.
For this week’s rose ceremony, the show takes full advantage of the city’s colonial architecture. The ceremony takes place in massive star chamber-type room. The drama from Derek’s good-bye is still fresh. JoJo’s choices are only going to get harder from this point on. Even Jordan, Everybody’s All-American, is nervous. “Four of us are at risk. That would make anyone nervous,” he says.
JoJo doesn’t cancel the cocktail party as she did last week. She wants to be sure of her decisions. She and Jordan head outside to the grand staircase. He says he’s nervous because of the incident with James. He wants her to know that he came with the hope of falling in love. He says he sees her as a person he could make a life with after the show. These are, of course, the words that JoJo wants to hear. “Finally, you’re talking about your feelings. You needed a little push,” she says.
Chase is worried about slipping behind again. Robby can’t help but give off confidence. Poor James. He knows he took on one of the favorites. He doesn’t know if it paid off for him. And Alex? He’s concerned because he’s never had a one-on-one. “I need to let her know that I’m right here,” he says.
Robby gets the first rose. Jordan gets the second. JoJo has one rose left. James and Alex are waiting. She takes a beat. She goes outside for a one-on-one of her own with Chris Harrison. “I don’t want to give this rose out,” she tells the patient host.
She returns empty handed. She apologizes. Alex and James look stricken. But wait! Here comes Chris Harrison with another rose in his hand. Roses for everyone! No one else is going home. James and Alex live to fight another day. James is relieved, but Alex is angry. “We both essentially got pity roses in my book.”
Pity roses? Oh, Alex. Download Evita for the flight home. Fortune and fame, they are not the solutions they promised to be.