The Bachelorette Episode 5 Recap: Uruguay!

Photo: Courtesy of ABC.

The moment we had all been waiting for — Chad’s creepy, serial killer return to the little cabin full of bachelors — was, well, a little anticlimactic. Hopes were high as the remaining men hold a funeral for their fallen nemesis. Wells, the charismatic DJ who makes up for size with humor, says a few words. “We are gathered here today to honor arguably the worst person anyone has ever met.” They scatter some of Chad’s protein powder in his memory.

As we know, the reports of Chad’s demise are a bit premature. He doesn’t bust the door down. He doesn’t lurk outside too long. Instead, he knocks on the door and his only friend in the house, Daniel, lets him in. Evan has a moment of panic. “I hope Chad’s not here for his protein powder, or we’re all toast.” It turns out that Chad is just there to, well, who knows why he is there? Words are exchanged. Jordan shakes his hand, then apologizes but Chad’s not having it. He’s out of there. Evan, despite his constant pleas, remains “out a shirt.”

Good riddance to bad juju for JoJo. It’s time to move forward in our post-Chad Bachelorette world. She and Alex return from their date and everyone gets ready for the pre-ceremony cocktails. With Chad gone, the remaining men start jockeying for position. The negative energy they were complaining about might have dissipated, but the competitive juices are flowing.

Robby takes JoJo out to make a wish in the fountain and kisses her in the direct line of sight of everyone. Jordan goes in for a major make-out session up against the wall just on the other side of the appetizers. Luke, in a less-than-elegant moment, asks Evan if he’s going for time with JoJo and when Evan hesitates, Luke says he’s “going in for seconds.” Poor James F. He took the time to write a poem for JoJo and their moment gets interrupted by Alex before his final stanza. “I think the gentlemen’s agreement is out the door,” James says.

Given the build up, the rose ceremony goes pretty much as expected. James F. will never get the chance to finish his poem. Chad’s BFF Daniel says goodbye, coming to the conclusion that JoJo must be into personalities because if it was looks alone there is no way he would be leaving. “There are millions of people in the world. The chances of her falling for me…I’ve got a better chance of getting hit by lighting while shaving my face…” he says, sucking the viewers into his cloud of confusion.

Enough of the Pennsylvania woodlands! For the first time this season, The Bachelorette is going international. JoJo announces that she is whisking them away to Punta del Este, Uruguay.

Jordan does a terrible job of predicting how their trip will go. “This should be a pretty drama-free week with Chad gone.” No one other than Jordan is excited when he gets the first one-on-one date. They have all noticed the twinkle in JoJo’s eye for the ex-quarterback.

The date itself is pretty standard for a resort town. They go out on a yacht and swim with seals.

While JoJo and Jordan are “sealing the deal” the other guys are getting haircuts and reading gossip magazines. The cover story is a surprising one to the group. JoJo’s ex-boyfriend, the other Chad in her life, has talked to the magazines and claims that JoJo isn’t there to find love. He says she’s there for the exposure. This news rattles the guys. The mood is somber when the group date card arrives.

The mood isn’t much lighter at dinner. JoJo confronts Jordan about his romantic history. She met one of his ex-girlfriends, because apparently the Bachelor/Bachelorette universe is tiny, and that woman told her that he was a terrible boyfriend. This really isn’t news since he basically said the same thing early on. Jordan convinces JoJo that he is ready for love, and he is a different person now. He assures her there was no cheating and that he has nothing to hide. Good enough for JoJo. She gives him a rose.

JoJo returns to the hotel for her sit down with a producer and drops such truth bombs as “Not all days are taking yachts and swimming with seals.” Oh, how true, JoJo. Her reverie is shattered when the producer shows her the gossip magazine.

No one likes when someone from your past comes back with a story that is different than your truth, so you have to kind of feel for JoJo here. She breaks down and says things like “I don’t deserve that,” and “It’s not fair.” She decides to take the issue head on and goes straight to the guys' suite. She is now in the position to convince the guys that she is there “for the right reasons.” And there are tears. So many tears.

The guys accept her version of events. All things are a ‘go’ for the group date that turns out to be sandboarding in the Valizas Sand Dunes. Luckily for everyone—since they were all terrible at it and Evan was certainly going to get another nosebleed—it gets rained out. Back at the hotel, Robby and Jordan indulge in a spa day with facials and pedicures. Who could think these guys are prima donnas?

Derek is having some issues. He was the first one to get a one-on-one date, but that was a long time ago. During the group date, he asks JoJo for some reassurances, a word that will come back to haunt him, when he gets a rose.

Alex just can’t stop talking about Derek. First, he fixated on Chad. Now, he has Derek in his sights. When JoJo says she’s giving Derek assurances along with the rose, that is the ammunition that Alex was looking for with Derek. “I don’t need a group date rose to feel okay,” Alex says in his interview. “ I don’t need a pity rose.”

It’s time for another one-on-one and this time its with Robby. He and JoJo stroll along the coast. She tells him he looks like Ryan Gosling in The Notebook. He gets her to jump off a cliff with him. At their dinner, he tells her that he loves her. He’s the first one to say the ‘L’ word directly. JoJo’s response is measured but pleased. “Thank you so much.” He says he doesn’t need her to say it back, but come on, this is The Bachelorette. Saying it back is kind of the whole point. Their kiss on the beach ends in fireworks. Actual, literal fireworks because, again, this is The Bachelorette after all.

Tensions are now running even higher than during the long-gone, salad days with Chad. Derek and Alex aren’t getting along. Derek accuses Alex, Chase, Robby, and Jordan of having a Mean Girls clique. The guys we’ve already started to forget are trying to piece together a survival strategy for the cocktail party before the rose ceremony.

Chris Harrison arrives and announces that there will be no cocktail party. They are fast-forwarding straight to the elimination. JoJo explains that the turmoil of the last week gave her a lot of clarity, and she knows what she needs to do.

That means saying good-bye to Evan, Grant, and Vinny. Surely it is the stress of the show, but all three have a hard time holding back tears. Vinny, who we hardly knew at all, seems to be taking it the hardest. The best he can do is choke out a weepy “sucks to go home.”

In short, Chad’s gone but the drama remains. Jordan and Robby are pulling away from the pack. Alex and Derek are headed for a confrontation, and the whole gang is heading for Buenos Aires.
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