Sometimes, I just want to watch an episode of Jane the Virgin that's entirely about Rogelio (Jaime Camil). I just want to know if he's this amusing because we only get to see him in small doses, or if he really is amazing. Take his current plotline, for example. On last week's episode, Rogelio pitched a telenovela version of Mad Men that he dubbed a "fasterpiece," because it's like Matthew Weiner's original masterpiece, but faster. Fans loved it, but Matthew Weiner hit Rogelio with a cease and desist letter. So, this week, Rogelio flies to Los Angeles to try to convince Weiner to license out his carefully crafted property to him.
The pitch is, of course, framed like iconic silhouette of Don Draper at the end of Mad Men's opening credits. It's a beautiful disaster, and I could live in this moment of hilariously written television forever. Basically, on Rogelio's version of Mad Men, Don Juan Draper does a lot of cocaine, shoots some people, turns to the camera, and says, "I'd like to buy the world some Coke."
"Boom! End of pilot," Rogelio cries joyously, ending what is definitely the best pitch meeting of all time. I don't know about fake Matthew Weiner, but I'm in for at least 13 episodes. Unfortunately, he's not, so Rogelio returns to Miami in dire straits. He sank all of his money into the pilot. He's broke and can no longer continue his lavish telenovela-star lifestyle.
What does this lifestyle include? Living paycheck to $50,000 paycheck. HIs cars are all leased, "Like Tyga." Sick topical burn on Tyga, Jane the Virigin. Jane (Gina Rodriguez) goes through his bills and discovers that Rogelio spends $10,000 on something called "smile maintenance." He owns 40 Hermès scarves. He has something called "New Pants Wednesdays," because it's, "The perfect antidote to the midweek blahs." Clearly, Rogelio just needs to write a self-help and lifestyle guide teaching people how to be their best selves and live their best lives. Goop and Oprah ain't got nothing on New Pants Wednesdays. Rogelio "goes big, or he goes home...to his mansion on the beach." I firmly believe that's a life motto a lot of people can get behind, or at least some timeshare salesmen.
This is also a show about other characters, though, so I guess I can talk about what happened to them on this episode, too. It can't all be New Pants Wednesday and Tyga diss tracks. Jane also has quite the big week. She actually finds a babysitter she trusts so that she and Rafael (Justin Baldoni) can go on a date. Unfortunately, Rafael also gives Jane a nanny cam, which captures him at a very inopportune moment. In fact, it places us back at square one in the whole Jane-Michael (Brett Dier)-Rafael love triangle/web of lies situation.
See, Jane broke up with Michael and hasn't spoken to him for six months because he was part of the reason Mateo was kidnapped. Jane believes Michael got fired from his detective job (he's actually gone undercover), and she feels terrible about this. When she watches the nanny cam footage, she learns that Rafael actually paid someone to lie to the police and tip them off about Michael's involvement in Mateo's kidnapping. Confusing? Yes. Frustrating for viewers who just want to see Jane happy and in love? Even more so.
Rafael sees what he did as fighting for Jane and their family. Jane doesn't want to hear him out. Meanwhile, the Solanos are about to be the subject of more scrutiny than ever thanks to an exposé Jane's Truman Capote-wannabe friend Wesley Masters (Brian Jordan Alvarez) just published about them with the help of all the dirt he got from months of being all buddy-buddy with Jane. How did that article even get published without someone calling Jane to fact-check all of her quotes? What kind of publication would allow that kind of misleading reporting?
The piece also opens up decades-old cold cases. Luisa's (Yara Martinez) mother who she thought committed suicide in 1983? Probably not dead. In fact, she's probably a notorious crime boss who goes by the name of Muter. The erstwhile Mr. Solano really had a habit of marrying strong women who were underground crime bosses. It'd be kind of impressive if the second one (Sin Rostro) hadn't murdered him.
We're almost at the midseason finale of Jane the Virgin, and the show just opened up so many loose ends. There's no way they can all be tied up on December 14. Meanwhile, I just want to call Matthew Weiner and beg him to let Rogelio make his telenovela Mad Men fasterpiece a reality. He just wants to buy the world some Coke!