Abandon All Hope: Leo Might Be Engaged

A new and slanderous report from OK Magazine alleges that Leonardo DiCaprio is engaged, not to Claire Danes or Kate Winslet, and most tragically, NOT TO ME, but to some lady named "Kelly Rohrbach." I mean. According to the story, Leo popped the question, like, for no reason, at an Italian restaurant in New York the other night. "They were enjoying a bottle of red wine and engrossed in conversation as usual," says the insider source, who has no idea what the fuck he/she's talking about because, I was there that night and I'm pretty sure I didn't see anyone else hiding under Leo and Kelly's table with me. "It's pretty obvious that they're in love from the way they're always touching and smiling." Oh, is that how love works? Thanks so much, inside source. I guess it's "pretty obvious" I'm in love with my iPhone, then. Let's put a ring on it, 5S! Kelly was apparently "shocked" by Leo's spontaneous declaration that he "wanted to spend the rest of his life with her," but she "agreed with a kiss." Okay. Number 1: Clearly, he was drunk, as any grown man who's never been known for hard partying naturally would be after a glass of red wine. Number 2: A kiss does not constitute agreement in any legal sense of the word. You'd think someone would know that, especially if they were educated at Georgetown University. (That's where Kelly went, not Leo because he was busy doing far more important things in his early twenties, like The Man In The Iron Mask.) So even if this conversation actually did happen, I'd hardly call this an engagement. But, again, it didn't happen, and I know because I was there. I'm always there. The OK report backs up this nonsense with paparazzi shots of Leo and Kelly riding CitiBikes, and kissing on the mouth, which is just the polite thing to do when you're hanging with a casual, platonic, non-fiancé acquaintance for whom your feelings are lukewarm at best. Surely, if Leo were engaged to the woman he truly, TRULY, loved, they'd be staring at each other through fish tanks because that's what love really looks like. Okay, inside source? When you find it, you'll know. * P.S., everyone: This is satire!