Scream Queens Episode 3 Recap: Hashtag Cahoots

Photo: Courtesy of Fox.
In Scream Queens’ third episode, “Chainsaw,” we discover there are two identical killers on the loose, maybe more. That’s double chainsaws. Zero ice cream scoops. Four killer eyebrows. Unlimited social media accounts. Add all that up with a dash of Horsey Sauce against Denise Hemphill’s will, and the danger is very real.

And yet: The Red Devil’s only new murder victim this week is the skinny boob-grabber hiding out from real life as Wallace University’s delicious new mascot, Coney the ice cream cone. You’d think such a hard-packed costume might protect its human filling for at least a few seconds against a chainsaw, but no luck. Soft serve.

Both Red Devils emerge once the Dicky Dollar Scholars — out to avenge the so-called murder of Brother Boone — hit the streets with baseball bats. “Told you ghetto code’s a real thing,” Chad Radwell proudly announces to his faithful pack of howling broners, one of whom gets both arms lopped off after flinging himself directly into chainsaws to save his friend. There are spare limbs, gay undercurrents, and glass shards strewn everywhere, but our hero Chad seems to survive unscathed. And throughout the bloodbath, the Backstreet Boys’ “Everybody” practically begs couch-bound viewers to twist a potential mass murder into their very own seated dance parties. You know what, Scream Queens? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Thank you for the workout.

Later on, Dean Munsch artfully uses the “slasher movie” setting on her white noise machine to drive her new Kappa house frenemy Gigi out of their shared bedroom. (They live there now; just go with it.) Gigi’s looooong journey downstairs gives us ample time to contemplate how her floral-print leggings and bright pink, embroidered tee perfectly evoke the “white noise” of ‘90s fashion. A deep sense of peace sets in. Everything is in place. Pillows. Flowers. So much white. But there’s the Red Devil with a chainsaw at the foot of the stairs! How does he/she/it do it? We never see it coming, and it’s almost like we don’t care!

Time to kick some ass, Gigi. If you're Gigi and the Dean’s mutual love interest, Professor Dad, your job is to leap through the window at just the right time to look like a hero, then creepily glance back out the window as if in cahoots with the devil, once your ‘90s-afflicted crush dropkicks said devil with a chainsaw.

Brandishing the saw with all the evil confidence of the antihero from his favorite movie, Prof. Leatherface points at the Dean, who just happens to flitter down the stairs in her 19th-century homesteader’s nightgown once the devil disappears. “You’re the killer,” he claims. Oh boy. Does anybody need wine?

Photo: Courtesy of Fox.
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Photo: Courtesy of Fox.
That might not be enough, to be honest, though I’m loving all the hearty pours. Pictured above are Chanel No. 2’s parents (Roger Bart and Charisma Carpenter a.k.a. Cordelia from Buffy), clearly channeling Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer from Heathers. They barely realize they have a daughter, and they do not want that alcoholic nightmare home if she’s alive. Which she might be, because she’s Instagramming! Not even a cute pic, but still.

Let’s take episode 3’s other developments one absurd line at a time.

Photo: Courtesy of Fox.
“Hashtag CAHOOTS!”
My favorite character, Denise Hemphill, the ineffective security guard (Niecy Nash), thinks Zayday (Keke Palmer) is one of the killers. The non-detective’s evidence includes a campaign pin, a CD from Best Buy, and a very telling tweet about How to Get Away With Murder. Oh, and there’s also a chainsaw under Zayday’s bed. It’s probably not from her grandma.

“I got Eiffel Towered by hot morons who are brothers. And now, I’m out.”
So said the Chanel wearing the pearl bunny ears (No. 5, Abigail Breslin), who has neither the time nor the energy to help the one dressed as a pastel wooly mammoth (No. 1, Emma Roberts) solve the murders of “some dumb gashes” now that she’s “getting spit-roasted by hot golf frat twins.” Do you get it now? She had a three-way. “I will destroy you, bitch!” screams the mammoth. I need so much more wine.

“This closet is like a second vagina to me.”
Frustrated by her plummeting tally of minions, the original Chanel lends out some of her couture to the neck brace formerly known as Hester. Meet Chanel No. 6! I was hoping for an extreme makeover montage à la Clueless here, but there isn’t really much to make over, so we get a She’s All That staircase-reveal instead. Surprise: It’s Lea Michele with her hair slicked back. That was easy. Que sera, sera. #MoreHeathers

“My dad is Charles Manson.”
Chanel No. 3 claims to be the conjugal-visit love child of a psychotic murderer. Food for thought. White wine, even.

Next week, we’ll check back in on Grace and Pete’s road trip to the end of the Earth (it’s nowhere near Bel-Air) to find a former Kappa sister who dropped out of Wallace two credits shy of graduating. Could she be the bathtub baby’s mom? Bathtub baby’s guardian angel? Whoever she is, her transcript is certainly the Hidden Gem of the Week, and if it weren’t for all the murders on campus, I would kill to attend this fake school.

Photo: Courtesy of Fox.
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“Slip Casting Mythical Creatures.” What could it mean???

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Agggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
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