Ashton Kutcher Is On Shark Tank Tonight & It Will Completely Change Your Opinion Of Him

Photo: Tyler Golden/ABC.
Don't believe the lame trailer you've been seeing on ABC in which Ashton Kutcher says "MA MAN," and an omniscient voiceover guy tells you that "He's got bite." Kutcher is a guest shark on tonight's season premiere of Shark Tank (2009-present), and he is the only shark that matters from the second the episode begins.

Now, if you're not a fan of Shark Tank, it's about time to get on board. This is a show about the American Dream, people. It's a reality competition where inspiring entrepreneurs get to pitch their inventions, hopes, and potential million-dollar ideas to wealthy investors from all walks of life (and by life, I mean the business world), hoping to get a shark on the line to fund their idea. You can learn a lot about the economics of starting a company, what it takes to get a concept — from a vague inkling of an idea to launching your product — the difference between manufacturing and licensing, and more. If you've never taken a business class in your life, Shark Tank is a pretty solid primer for the bare bones you need to know if you've ever thought about starting a company.

Enough swooning over Shark Tank, though, I'm here to talk about Ashton "The Kutch" Kutcher. I have no idea if people actually call him that, but whatever, The Kutch he shall be for the sake of this tribute to his entrepreneurial greatness. As the guest shark in residence on the season 6 premiere, Kutcher owns the panel. We always knew he had charisma in spades — he's Ashton fucking Kutcher; he got audiences to see a movie called Dude, Where's My Car? and — just when you thought the title wasn't ridiculous enough — it had aliens in it...aliens. Well, did you know that he's got enough investment, marketing, and business savviness to back it up in the boardroom?

You might have, because Kutcher's actually been making his mark as a major success in the venture capital tech space for several years now. In addition to making individual investments, he runs A-Grade Investments with Ron Burkle and Guy Oseary. When you hear Kutcher explaining why he is or isn't choosing to invest in the products being pitched on tonight's episode of Shark Tank, you'll realize that he really knows his stuff. This is someone with a lot of money, but he doesn't just throw it around.

Oh, and Kutcher even goes head-to-head with Mr. Wonderful (Kevin O'Leary), when he thinks the latter is being disrespectful to someone making a pitch. Kutcher crushes Mr. Wonderful like the cockroach that he is, for a change. (Loyal Shark Tank viewers will understand that joke.)

My mother, a devoted Tank viewer with whom I screened the season premiere, turned to me several times to note how impressed she was with Kutcher's vast knowledge of smart investment strategies and concepts. She knew him mostly as an actor, and only slightly as an investor. Fun fact: Kutcher did study biochemical engineering at the University of Iowa before dropping out to pursue modeling. Clearly, he's been fooling us all along with his Punk'd persona.

If I ever invent something or start a company, I'd love to have Ashton Kutcher on board as an angel investor. After you watch tonight's Shark Tank, you'll want his help, too. Be prepared, Kutcher, for the onslaught of pitches about to come your way.

P.S. Who's your favorite regular shark? I like Lori Greiner.

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