Amy Schumer Calls New Bachelor Contestant, Solicits Phone Sex

Good news: The next Bachelor has officially been picked, and fans of the show can look forward to a new season starring the adorable Ben Higgins. You know what would be better news, though? If ABC would meet every last one of Amy Schumer's demands and finally make her an integral part of the program. First off, she’s gold for ratings, and second she already seems to be more than a little bit on board. Schumer called into the Bachelor in Paradise to congratulate the latest leading man on his victorious entry into this exclusive prime time dating circle. Actually, scratch that: Congratulations isn't quite right. She more like advised him against going on the show altogether. "Don’t do it!" the comedian said, before conversationally detouring toward Joe Bailey's haircut. ("As someone who has met Joe, he is like, dead-eyed, and is crazy, and I think it’s crazy nobody mentioned his new haircut," Schumer pointed out.) Then she went back to the business at hand. “Ben, I am so excited for you. I hope you find love. Do you want to have phone sex right now?” Anyone ready to sign a petition to get Amy on The Bachelor yet?