What Our Presidential Candidates Are REALLY Like

Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
David Scoroposki is an astrologer and a Sagittarius.

We're just a few days away from the first big Republican debate, and already, it feels like the 2016 field has been analyzed to death. We've had insult-flinging and opposition researchers digging into decades-old indiscretions. There have been entire books written to make candidates look like crooks, plus polling and polling and more polling. As an antidote to all this ephemera, we decided to look at the race from a less-earthly perspective: the stars.

We dug into the charts of the leading candidates to reveal truths deeper than those uncovered in any poll. We couldn't do them all* (even star scientists get weary), but as of press time, here are the star charts of the five candidates who look like the most serious contenders for the White House.

*And yes, we're aware there's one glaring, orange-haired omission. At the time of this piece's publication, Trump is having success in the polls...but we're still not finding any respected political scientists who see him in the White House. If it turns out we're wrong, we'll update.