What Our Presidential Candidates Are REALLY Like

Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
David Scoroposki is an astrologer and a Sagittarius.

We're just a few days away from the first big Republican debate, and already, it feels like the 2016 field has been analyzed to death. We've had insult-flinging and opposition researchers digging into decades-old indiscretions. There have been entire books written to make candidates look like crooks, plus polling and polling and more polling. As an antidote to all this ephemera, we decided to look at the race from a less-earthly perspective: the stars.

We dug into the charts of the leading candidates to reveal truths deeper than those uncovered in any poll. We couldn't do them all* (even star scientists get weary), but as of press time, here are the star charts of the five candidates who look like the most serious contenders for the White House.

*And yes, we're aware there's one glaring, orange-haired omission. At the time of this piece's publication, Trump is having success in the polls...but we're still not finding any respected political scientists who see him in the White House. If it turns out we're wrong, we'll update.
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Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
John Ellis “Jeb” Bush
Born February 11, 1953
Sun Sign: Aquarius
Ascendant: Virgo
Moon: Capricorn

Jeb Bush is the former Governor of Florida and is running as a Republican.

John Ellis “Jeb” Bush was born on February 11, 1953, with the sun in Aquarius, the moon in Capricorn, and the ascendant, or rising sign, of Virgo. This combination makes his personality shrewd, ambitious, and eager to attain great heights — which are often reached through favoritism and the help of friends. (When people say "Bush has locked up the donor network" created by his bro and dad, this is what they mean.)

His chart's 10th house in Gemini signifies fame, luck, and honors obtained through the benevolence of siblings or immediate family. (Cough, cough). He shows solidity of thought regarding political matters. He is able to deal with difficult, profound, and complex subjects and important undertakings, whether in public or private life — in practical affairs or in the sphere of the mind. He is likely to gain the favor of the public, of acquaintances, and of superiors.

Bush has a tendency to be reserved; his nature is not all shown on the surface. Hence, he shows considerable ability for matters involving secrecy and diplomacy. He is eloquent, persuasive, sometimes a great talker, but generally of quiet tone and demeanor. (The smart, shy little brother. Sounds about right.)

He is endowed with a clear intellect and has a great sense of justice, but is often passively cold and harsh in his treatment of others: He makes a good and faithful friend, but a very hard master. With Mars ruling in Aries at his time of birth, Bush is willing to punish severely if he sees fit, and is quite martial — even relentless — if challenged to a fight.

Long voyages in connection with foreign countries are indicated, and he will frequently have a commission to fulfill in faraway lands. Women of position favor him, but he has powerful enemies among men belonging to the world of art and artists. (What Republican doesn't spar a bit with those Hollywood liberals?)

The moon in Capricorn tends to bring Bush before the public. There is, nevertheless, always some drawback or difficulty attached to the fame or position he gains; he may raise up enemies, or his reputation will suffer — with or without his having deserved it. Saturn’s aspect to the Capricorn moon is unfavorable, which suggests that there are family secrets (unbeknownst to Bush himself) which, if revealed, could be detrimental to his position.
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Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Born October 26, 1947
Sun Sign: Scorpio
Ascendant: Scorpio
Moon: Pisces

Hillary Clinton is the former Secretary of State and is running for the Democratic nomination.

Hillary Rodham Clinton was born on October 26, 1947, with the sun in Scorpio, the moon in Pisces, and the ascendant, or rising sign, of Scorpio. The degree of the sun at the time of her birth suggests a reserved, studious, and self-contained nature, as well as a strong and determined mind. (Obviously. She graduated top of her class at Yale — ahead of Bill.) Clinton is devoted to her beliefs and compelled to withstand contention with dignity — but, with this pairing of sun and moon, there is more promise than performance, plus a natural tendency toward scheming, deception, and duplicity. (Don’t tell the Benghazi truthers!)

With a Scorpio ascendant and a cluster of planets favorably aspected by the moon in Pisces, Clinton is extremely intuitive and endowed with a peculiar penetration. She is gifted with what is called "second sight" and can be of great benefit to others through her magnetic healing power.

She is remarkable for her keen judgment and quick thinking, and she can at once see the purpose and meaning of the things she is criticizing. However, Clinton will falter in debate. (This is potentially great news for Bernie Sanders.)

An afflicted Mercury brings Clinton scandal through conversations or written correspondences. She believes that knowledge is power, and thus keeps information to herself, so that it may never be obtained by her rivals.

Clinton is unlucky in love, with Venus in severe detriment and afflicted by every planet in the birth chart. She will, however, benefit by children and close friends, and has a strong love of motherhood. (And, recently, of grandmotherhood.)

Clinton's Mid-Heaven, or point of success, is in the 11th house, which represents society. She is ultimately a figure loved more than hated, but the hatred by her opponents is extreme. Favor from superiors and those in higher ranks of life will come, and there may be gifts or legacies. But because Saturn and Mars are much afflicted in Clinton's 10th house of fortune and honors, these gifts will be checked or reversed by constant opposition and disappointments.

Though often affable and courteous, Clinton is ready at any moment to rely upon her stature; she can be abrupt, brusque, and cold when she wishes, but she is always amenable to approval. Ultimately, though, she is powerless to make any progress until she has overcome a very tiresome and trying personality.
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Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
Scott Walker
Born November 2, 1947
Sun Sign: Scorpio
Ascendant: Capricorn
Moon: Scorpio

Walker is the current Governor of Wisconsin and is running on the Republican ticket.

Walker was born on November 2, 1947, with the sun and moon in Scorpio, and with Capricorn as the ascendant, or rising sign. The symbol of Scorpio is the scorpion, whose sting is its most prominent feature. The double-Scorpio character is decided and unmistakable and rarely, if ever, vacillating or feeble. (Sounds presidential.)

This positioning by no means favors morality, and it threatens great scandal brought about by dishonesty and deceit. (Walker was investigated for violating campaign finance rules...but was cleared.) Ignorance and lust mark the character of the undeveloped Scorpio nature. However, if he becomes fully self-conscious, he can reach great heights.

Conservative (yep) and highly averse to change, especially if that change is forced upon him, Walker is obstinate. Yet, he can sometimes appear changeable in the interest of appeasing potential allies. He shows an inclination toward materialism and the ability to govern others — though will always have a tendency to override, domineer, and master. Mars in Capricorn (the ascendant), endows Walker with an ambitious, persevering spirit, capable of enormous efforts toward the attainment of a desired object. His need for power and public recognition is strong, and although he is reticent in the presence of strangers, there is more force than persuasion in his disposition.

Walker is bellicose and makes an unrelenting enemy. His horoscope gives rise to grave contests and creates many enemies (just ask Wisconsin's unions). In spite of inordinate ambition and much courage, frequently resulting in achievements, Walker will suffer disappointment.

Capable of conspicuous traits of character that cause him to be either very much liked or very much disliked, Walker has the grit and backbone necessary to achieve more than those born in the other signs. The wisdom of the serpent lies concealed in Scorpio, and Walker may become discreet, wise, and prudent enough to display extraordinary genius.
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Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
Bernard “Bernie” Sanders
Born: September 8, 1941
Sun Sign: Virgo
Ascendant: Scorpio
Moon: Aries

Bernie Sanders is a Vermont Senator and is running as a Democrat.

Bernard “Bernie” Sanders was born on September 8, 1941, with the sun in Virgo, the moon in Aries, and the ascendant, or rising sign, of Scorpio. This combination gives him very keen mental abilities and inventive genius, and tends to fit people to take the helm in business affairs or government. (Fittingly, Sanders has been in office since 1981.) People born under this influence often follow pursuits that provide for the general welfare of the community. Sanders is good at debate, arguments, and controversy, but is apt to be too independent and pugnacious — and hence a little difficult to get along with.

He possesses a keen intellect that comes from experience more than from education, and he has remarkable ingenuity. But, he is usually fully aware of all his achievements and is inclined to be somewhat proud of them. Sanders is unyielding and exaggerates either his importance or his abilities.

He shows some tendency to live too much in his head, and his nature may be lacking in sympathy, so that selfishness will express itself when his will is thwarted; this will manifest itself in sarcastic and bitter speeches. (Yep. Sanders is the political equivalent of Larry David).

Sanders will find covert enemies chiefly among his own associates, and in foreign countries he will be in danger of secret violence, from which he will be providentially protected. His best medicine for all disease is to be alone with nature and to have around him harmonious conditions. Sanders has many friends and supporters in the artistic or dramatic world. (When Trump tried to use a Neil Young song, Neil Young said he'd only give it Sanders.)

Sanders' executive and destructive faculties are large. The man with Scorpio rising represents the function of dissolution in nature: He pulls down and destroys existing theories, institutions, and beliefs, frequently via the acute penetration of his Scorpio mind, which is endowed with the “eagle eye” — and which has an insatiable thirst for finding out the secret nature of things.
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Illustrated by Elliot Salazar.
Marco Rubio
Born: May 28, 1971
Sun Sign: Gemini
Ascendant: Leo
Moon: Cancer

Marco Rubio is a Florida Senator and is running for the Republican nomination.

Marco Rubio was born on May 28, 1971, with the sun in Gemini, the moon in Cancer, and the ascendant, or rising sign, of Leo. This combination gives him a strong inclination toward the welfare of others, coupled with a sensitive and anxious disposition. His horoscope indicates success in matters relating to public affairs. The degree of the moon at the time of Rubio's birth signifies a politically inclined, public character; the placement of Jupiter and the rising sign contribute to his general good fortune and success.

Rubio's capabilities are diverse, but favor public offices. (At age 44, he's been in office more than one-third of his life.) His passions are strong, and his opinions are often dogmatic. His wealth comes via personal merits and integrity, and also by favor of rich patrons — especially women of rank and wealth. Rubio does well to rely on their patronage. (He's already got at least one billionaire backer.)

He has a quick temper when provoked, but his anger does not last long. He is constant in his affections, loves truly, is patient in his work, and achieves his goals by solid endurance. As a speaker, Rubio is ready and incisive, forcible and determined. He is independent in manner — too much so to associate with others for any length of time. There is a good deal of autocrat in him; he has a love of leading and guiding others.

Rubio's personality is conservative and progressive, altogether quite dualistic and sometimes difficult for others to understand. Throughout the whole of his life, he must expect dual impressions and many contradictory states of consciousness.
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