Want all this in your inbox?
Get the Refinery29 Newsletter
You're in for a treat...
Thanks for signing up!
Please upgrade your browser for the best Refinery29 experience. Read more.
Sex and the City, 2008
What Happens: Samantha tries to surprise Smith by transforming herself into a human sushi platter. He's late, so she ends up watching her hot neighbor have a threesome while furiously eating hand rolls off her own naked body.
What Would Actually Happen: To be fair, this is probably how things would play out if we had a partner we loved enough to reduce ourselves to hiding wasabi and dragon rolls in our nether regions.
Valentine's Day, 2010
What Happens: This local news reporter is enthralled in the gushy love life of the world's most annoying teenagers, Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner. Also, true love involves giant teddy bears.
What Would Actually Happen: The topic of premarital sex would probably be covered far, far away from school grounds and not within earshot of teachers. Still, Swift does seem like the type who'd have her boyfriend's shirts embroidered with her lucky number (13).
What Happens: Your perfect boyfriend is trying to kill you, but only because you and your friends were really mean to him in school. Also, Katherine Heigl can star in a film called Valentine and it won't be a rom-com.
What Would Actually Happen: Chances are, a little rejection won't inspire anyone to don a Cupid mask and slaughter everyone in sight.
Sleepless in Seattle, 1993
What Happens: Sam's son sets him up with a woman he's never met, then manages to fly across the country to meet her at the Empire State Building on Valentine's Day, just like in An Affair to Remember. Annie gets there just in time, having just split from her fiancé in the world's most amicable breakup ever.
What Would Actually Happen: Jonah's disappearance sparks a nationwide Amber Alert, after which he is grounded for life. Sam rejects an offer to be the next "Bachelor" and ends up marrying some nice woman off Tinder. Annie decides to hedge her bets and see if the cute widow is actually worth it before dumping Walter. Walter beats her to the punch and ditches her after discovering her "Sleepless in Seattle" Google search history.
No Strings Attached, 2011
What Happens: Ashton Kutcher wants to take his casual relationship with Natalie Portman to the next level by taking her out on Valentine's Day. She's not into it.
What Would Actually Happen: An actual date with your f*** buddy who looks like Ashton Kutcher? What's the problem, Portman?