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10 Valentine's Day Lies Hollywood Has Taught Us

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    Forget Hallmark. It's Hollywood to blame for our complicated, overblown relationship with Valentine's Day. Judging by what we see on the big screen, we should all be spending Saturday drowning in romantic gestures. Ashton Kutcher just really, really wants to love us and every breakup is an opportunity to find our real soulmate within 24 hours. If you're really lucky, your date will truss you up like a turkey

    We love a good rom-com as much as the next person, but a dose of reality would also be welcome. Not everything gets tied up in a neat little bow. Not everyone will experience a secret admirer. Rare is the joy of finding out that your seriously sexy best friend has been in love with you all this time, which is perfect timing because, now that you think about it, you're actually head over heels for him/her, too. Maybe the only thing lurking in your mailbox is a stack of bills and some flyers from your favorite pizza joint. That's okay.

    Bottom line: Don't fall for these cinematic myths. Choose reality. 

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    Sex and the City, 2008

    What Happens: Samantha tries to surprise Smith by transforming herself into a human sushi platter. He's late, so she ends up watching her hot neighbor have a threesome while furiously eating hand rolls off her own naked body.

    What Would Actually Happen: To be fair, this is probably how things would play out if we had a partner we loved enough to reduce ourselves to hiding wasabi and dragon rolls in our nether regions.

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    Valentine's Day, 2010

    What Happens: This local news reporter is enthralled in the gushy love life of the world's most annoying teenagers, Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner. Also, true love involves giant teddy bears.

    What Would Actually Happen: The topic of premarital sex would probably be covered far, far away from school grounds and not within earshot of teachers. Still, Swift does seem like the type who'd have her boyfriend's shirts embroidered with her lucky number (13).

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    Valentine, 2001

    What Happens: Your perfect boyfriend is trying to kill you, but only because you and your friends were really mean to him in school. Also, Katherine Heigl can star in a film called Valentine and it won't be a rom-com.

    What Would Actually Happen: Chances are, a little rejection won't inspire anyone to don a Cupid mask and slaughter everyone in sight.

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    Sleepless in Seattle, 1993

    What Happens: Sam's son sets him up with a woman he's never met, then manages to fly across the country to meet her at the Empire State Building on Valentine's Day, just like in An Affair to Remember. Annie gets there just in time, having just split from her fiancé in the world's most amicable breakup ever.

    What Would Actually Happen: Jonah's disappearance sparks a nationwide Amber Alert, after which he is grounded for life. Sam rejects an offer to be the next "Bachelor" and ends up marrying some nice woman off Tinder. Annie decides to hedge her bets and see if the cute widow is actually worth it before dumping Walter. Walter beats her to the punch and ditches her after discovering her "Sleepless in Seattle" Google search history.

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    No Strings Attached, 2011

    What Happens: Ashton Kutcher wants to take his casual relationship with Natalie Portman to the next level by taking her out on Valentine's Day. She's not into it.

    What Would Actually Happen: An actual date with your f*** buddy who looks like Ashton Kutcher? What's the problem, Portman?