A Hard-Hitting Interview With Jared Leto's Braid

Photo: Steve Granitz/Getty Images.
Many people wore sparkling dresses to the Golden Globes last night. You may think this is because it's customary to wear shiny stuff to red carpet events, but really, it's because everyone was desperately trying to steal the attention away from the real star of the evening: Jared Leto's braid.
They tried in vain.
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Though his beautifully ombré'd locks and luscious man bun had certainly wowed in the past, Mr. Leto achieved a new level of human sensuality when he debuted a braid-and-suit combo. Unsurprisingly, at some point, the braid became sentient and, naturally, signed up for Twitter. After much finagling and not a small amount of bribery, we managed to obtain an interview with the enigma behind the Twitter account — that is to say, the braid, and definitely not a 16-year-old girl or anything.
So, braid — was this your first time at the Globes?
Yes, this is my first time at the Globes. I was extremely nervous, but Jared gave me a great pep talk on the ride here (that's why we were late).
Was anyone prettier than you, or were you the prettiest?
I was the prettiest. I deserve my own Golden Globe.
What is the scent of Jared Leto's scalp?
The scent of his scalp is indescribable, because it floods your senses with euphoria and happiness, like seeing a rainbow or eating cannoli.
Did you feel mysterious, intricate, and contained; or perhaps constricted, tied in knots, and going in three directions at once?
It's quite bombarding going into three directions. I get dizzy sometimes, but it's exciting as well. I feel powerful, like a tightrope bridge.
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Did Jared stroke or touch you in any way, and what was it like?
Jared strokes me all the time — it's how we bond.