Everything You Need To Know About Lumbersexuals

REX USA/PETER BROOKER
The fallout from falling for a dude with a lush crop of facial foliage is serious business. Unlike the lovable stoner, who will simply eat all your snacks, or the mopey creative who just creeps out your friends, the lumbersexual comes with his own specific issues.
Whether the lumbersexual you'd like to be sexing is using his facial hair to manifest his anxiety over the job market, working out his issues over modern masculinity, or just kinda lazy, there are a few things you need to know before inviting him into your life. Bonus: He's probably pretty chill about your body hair, too.
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Here are just a few of the possible road bumps you could hit on your trip to eternal beardy love with your Paul Bunyan wannabe.
1. You don't know what his chin looks like. Or, if he even has a chin.
2. Has PTSD from seeing Harry and the Hendersons at a formative age.
3. Spends all his Christmas money on fancy beard ornaments instead of presents.
4. Constantly hassled on the street by Hasidic men inviting him to shabbos dinner.
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5. Artisanal beard oil makes your skin break out.
6. Other people keep putting pictures of him up on their Pinterest accounts. RUDE.
7. Legally required to wear an orange vest during any outdoor activities in case a local hunter mistakes him for Sasquatch.
8. Becomes like an episode of CSI when you're dining out and find a hair in your food.
9. He cuddles with Mildred, his axe, more than he cuddles with you.
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10. One word: pogonophiles.
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