Starbucks is having a week, man. Yesterday, we reported on the company's first (and fantastic) LGBTQ ad, and everyone was all, "High-five, Starbucks! Peppermint mochas all around!" Then the news broke that, in fact, Starbucks was not our super-chill, pro-love coffee pal after all: WHEN IT BANNED ROMANCE, FOREVER.
In a dress code update earlier this month, Starbucks announced that employees could no longer wear jewelry with stones — including engagement rings. The news took many by surprise, and several tweeted outrage at the love-crushing corporation. Says one peeved husband, "Now my wife can’t wear her wedding ring during her shift? So whose name do I put on the lawsuit when she’s harassed?" In a week that showed us just how poorly people understand harassment, comments like this make a nice little symmetry.
AdvertisementADVERTISEMENT
But, obviously, these irate dudes are missing the fine print (and the point). The policy clearly states that wearing a plain band is allowed. Furthermore, this has nothing to do with relationship status, but food safety. Banning stone jewelry is a common practice in the food service industry, for good reason. Not only can those stones scratch other people or fall out of their settings (and into food), they can trap bacteria in a way that flat jewelry doesn't. While I doubt a no-ring-harassment lawsuit would hold up in court, an E. coli case probably would.
Then, just when the Internet had decided to get good and mad at Starbucks for banning love, marriage, and the sanctimony of bling, the company pulled another trick out of its hat: delivery. Oh yes, as of 2015, says CEO Howard Schultz, you will be able to order Starbucks coffee for delivery, via the company's mobile app. "Imagine the ability to create a standing order of Starbucks delivered hot to your desk daily," Schultz told Ad Age. "That's our version of e-commerce on steroids."
Okay, forget it. The Internet takes it back. You had us at "e-commerce," Howard. You had us at "e-commerce."
Still not convinced? Here's video proof. Starbucks loved you from the moment you walked in the door. You are Starbucks' friend, lover, and partner in crime. You make Starbucks happier than Starbucks ever thought it could be. If you'll have them, Starbucks will spend the rest of this fiscal year trying to make you that happy, too.
AdvertisementADVERTISEMENT
Will you do Starbucks the honor of clicking through?
Shhh, don't cry. You're at work.
Fuck it, cry it up.
Moral of the story: You can get engaged at Starbucks, but just leave your ring at home if you plan on slinging lattes there.