First, point frantically at a specific person and yell at him or her to call 911 and get the defibrillator kit. While Amy may be a bit more manic than your average Good Samaritan, this part can actually help in real life. It helps to avoid the bystander effect: That’s when, in an emergency situation, everyone just kind of stands around waiting for someone else to do something. And, nothing actually gets done. But, if you make eye contact with a specific person and tell him or her to do a thing, it will usually get done.
While that's happening, Amy says you should be doing chest compressions and reminding everyone that you're "the best chance they've got to be alive right now!" (Gaining respect is key.) Then, once you've got the defibrillator kit, you can follow its included directions and let it work its magic. Amy's other important tips include making sure the poor victim is actually having a heart attack and is not just passed out drunk. And, if the victim has choked on chicken gizzard or feathers (and, really, who hasn't?) just jump up on the table and push 'em right out.
Really, though, don't try this at home. While some of Amy's tips are legit, she's mostly just hilarious. Of course, if you want to learn non-Sedaris CPR, you can always check the Red Cross for a class near you. Feathers not included.