Larry David had one main rule for Seinfeld: There would be no hugging and no learning. Full House, on the other hand, is a show where touchy-feely teaching moments are paramount to its very being. Back when it was one of my favorite shows in the '90s, I wondered why my parental heart-to-hearts weren't also scored by moving, incidental saxophone music. It would have made getting punished a lot easier that time my brother and I DIY'ed a Slip 'N' Slide and accidentally tore up the grass.
The theme song for Full House promises that "everywhere you look, there's a heart, a hand to hold onto." You're going to need both of those things after you watch "Sad Full House." YouTube user BenjaminApple has been posting videos in which he removes all of the happiness, levity, and jokes from the Tanner family's most poignant moments.
What's left is a brief intro, which is the most depressing lyric in the theme, "When you're lost out there, and you're all alone." It's followed by a clip in which a light is most definitely not waiting to carry you home. Everywhere you look, the world is harsh and full of pain. We're all just on a slow march toward death. It's about time Michelle, Stephanie, and D.J. realize that.