Sarcasm, you see, is a double-edged sword for celebrities — a road best not taken, if you prefer your analogies Robert Frost-style. Why? Allow us to go fifth-grade-essay-opener on you for a hot second.
Webster's Dictionary defines sarcasm as "the use of words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say especially in order to insult someone, to show irritation, or to be funny."
Therein lies the rub for Kim. The art of the jibe usually requires condemnation of another to elevate oneself. When you're Kim Kardashian, the Internet at large considers you to be at the bottom of the joke-butt totem pole (so many puns intended). In the insult canon, she's the proverbial yo momma.
Why was Kim Kardashian forced to face this harsh reality? It all started last week, when ELLE asked all three Kardashian sisters for maternity clothing advice. "I recommend hiding for a good year and having no pregnancy style. That's what I recommend. If you do it, hide. Never leave the house," Kim replied.
"Okay, well that's not practical. Give a different answer," Khloé responded, acting as the Greek chorus for all of us. "That's really my recommendation," Kim insisted, adding, "Wear a huge blanket."
As one can imagine, people did not take kindly to Kim Kardashian's suggestion that pregnant women hide in their homes until this horrifyingly unglamorous period of their lives reaches its newborn conclusion. They also didn't like her follow-up recommendation that they don a gigantic blanket if they insist on being seen in public.
I guess you can't be sarcastic when doing interviews! I was asked about tips on pregnancy style.....— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 12, 2014
I jokingly said pregnant woman should hide/stay in if they looked like I did lol. I said ask Kourt her tips bc she has the best preg style— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 12, 2014
I really should start video taping the interviews I do & post on my website so u can see the laughs & how it's really said— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 12, 2014
It should also be noted that Kourtney Kardashian was at the event. She is currently pregnant. She was not wearing a blanket.
You'd think that after almost a decade in the spotlight, Kim Kardashian would know what she can and cannot joke about. Since her social media trail suggests otherwise; however, we've prepared a handy-dancy primer to indoctrinate Kim in the world of sarcasm.
Do: Just like you would at an intervention, use "I" statements. "I'm in a real bitchy mood today. [plug emoji, bathtub emoji, gun emoji, knife emoji]," Kim captioned this Instagram snap, with which the Internet seemed fine.
Don't: Combine sarcasm and several humblebrags. "Bye Hamps!!!! YOUR CELL PHONE RECEPTION SUCKS!!!! Have to go to the city real quick to Instagram!!!" this photo caption reads. Consider replacing the unrelatable scenario (complaining about cell service in The Hamptons from a helicopter) with a comical, hypothetical one ("Having trouble radioing to Candy Land from the inside of this tauntaun!").
Don't: Catfish fans who carefully follow your every hair change and nip slip.
I love twitter! I used to tweet more, think I'm gonna start tweeting more— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) June 23, 2014
Don't: Try to reappropriate a joke being made at your expense. Let the Internet have this one, Kim.
And when all else fails, just use so many exclamation points that people will be too busy wondering about your English language comprehension instead of any subtext or rhetorical nuances. You're welcome!
I'm seeing you guys are loving my new game app! Makes me so happy! I worked really hard on this and love that you guys are enjoying it!— Kim Kardashian West (@KimKardashian) July 4, 2014