Saturday was a tough day for Kim Kardashian. Not only did she learn about sarcasm, but she also faced the harsh reality that people who are oft-quoted on the Internet should not attempt to use it.
Sarcasm, you see, is a double-edged sword for celebrities — a road best not taken, if you prefer your analogies Robert Frost-style. Why? Allow us to go fifth-grade-essay-opener on you for a hot second.
Webster's Dictionary defines sarcasm as "the use of words that mean the opposite of what you really want to say especially in order to insult someone, to show irritation, or to be funny."
Therein lies the rub for Kim. The art of the jibe usually requires condemnation of another to elevate oneself. When you're Kim Kardashian, the Internet at large considers you to be at the bottom of the joke-butt totem pole (so many puns intended). In the insult canon, she's the proverbial yo momma.
Why was Kim Kardashian forced to face this harsh reality? It all started last week, when ELLE asked all three Kardashian sisters for maternity clothing advice. "I recommend hiding for a good year and having no pregnancy style. That's what I recommend. If you do it, hide. Never leave the house," Kim replied.
"Okay, well that's not practical. Give a different answer," Khloé responded, acting as the Greek chorus for all of us. "That's really my recommendation," Kim insisted, adding, "Wear a huge blanket."
As one can imagine, people did not take kindly to Kim Kardashian's suggestion that pregnant women hide in their homes until this horrifyingly unglamorous period of their lives reaches its newborn conclusion. They also didn't like her follow-up recommendation that they don a gigantic blanket if they insist on being seen in public.
But JK, you guys! The sisters Kardashian were being interviewed for a Babies "R" Us partnership, and their children's line is sold at the retailer. This krew (spelling intentional) would never joke around when merchandising opportunities and income are at stake. Still, Kim took to Twitter to insist she was just trying to have a laugh, and had no intention of insulting pregnant women everywhere.
You'd think that after almost a decade in the spotlight, Kim Kardashian would know what she can and cannot joke about. Since her social media trail suggests otherwise; however, we've prepared a handy-dancy primer to indoctrinate Kim in the world of sarcasm.
Do: Just like you would at an intervention, use "I" statements. "I'm in a real bitchy mood today. [plug emoji, bathtub emoji, gun emoji, knife emoji]," Kim captioned this Instagram snap, with which the Internet seemed fine.
Don't: Combine sarcasm and several humblebrags. "Bye Hamps!!!! YOUR CELL PHONE RECEPTION SUCKS!!!! Have to go to the city real quick to Instagram!!!" this photo caption reads. Consider replacing the unrelatable scenario (complaining about cell service in The Hamptons from a helicopter) with a comical, hypothetical one ("Having trouble radioing to Candy Land from the inside of this tauntaun!").
Do: Make visual jokes. We assume that's what this is.
Don't: Catfish fans who carefully follow your every hair change and nip slip.
Do: Be so earnest our eyes may forever be stuck in the heavenward roll this tweet has sent them on. It's still our interpretation issue, not Kim's.
Don't: Try to reappropriate a joke being made at your expense. Let the Internet have this one, Kim.
And when all else fails, just use so many exclamation points that people will be too busy wondering about your English language comprehension instead of any subtext or rhetorical nuances. You're welcome!