The Tiny Hamster Had a Birthday Party, & I Wasn't Invited

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Today is a dark, dark day. No, I'm not talking about the crushing loss Brazil suffered at the hands of the Germans yesterday (7-1, people). Nor am I lamenting the fact that I just finished Franz Kafka's Metamorphosis on the subway this morning, and yes, life is meaningless. What's got me feeling blue is an alarming video that surfaced online this week, featuring a hamster absolutely inhaling a birthday cake. It's like, breathe, bro.

While most of the Interweb has been going bananas over the video, with some deeming it "adorable," and others calling it "whimsical," I have a decidedly different take. I'm confused. I'm lost. I'm a little hungry, but mostly, I'm downright pissed.

A month ago I told you about a magical experience I had in the forest, when I stumbled on a whole crew of furry friends just chowing down on some primo grub with reckless abandon — like me, after a breakup. It was a moment that I'll never forget.

After I wrote about my experience, the hamster, whose name is Greg, Facebooked me. We met for coffee and closed the joint. We went to bookstores, discussed German expressionist painting, and opined on our favorite ways to cook a burger (me: skillet, Greg: grill).

We became fast friends.

So, when I saw this video of Greg at a birthday party eating cake with some smug-looking hedgehog that he never even mentioned, well, you can understand my position here. Don't worry, Greg. September 3 is almost here, and if you think you're going for birthday martinis with me and the gang, well think again, jerk.