You're shopping for a new sex toy. After weighing the pros and cons of countless options, it becomes clear that nothing has that just-right combination of bumps/curves/bends/colored silicone that your body really craves. Sure, you could create a silicone replica of your favorite phallus — but that would be so 2013. With the staggering advances we've made in 3D printing, who could settle for anything less than a fully-customized dildo, entirely engineered based on your specifications?
A pretty incredible new website by Berlin-based programmer Ikaros Kappler makes it really easy to design your own 3D-printed bedroom buddy. Just fiddle around with the sliders and curves on the diagram, and the site adjusts the resulting device in real time. Everything from length to width to angle is completely customizable, and there's even a choice of 10 Crayola-bright colors to satisfy your every whimsical wish.
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Of course, 3D technology isn't able to generate a ready-to-go silicone toy just yet; current printing processes produce objects with too many pores, which can cause bacteria buildup as well as some nasty chafing. Rather, the program creates designs for molds, which are then 3D-printed and filled with silicone to create your dream dildo.
For those of you lucky ducks with your own 3D printer, realizing your creation in its full silicone glory is as easy as hitting the "save" button and loading the file into your printer's program. If you've not yet jumped on that particular bandwagon, not to worry: The .STL files generated by the site are compatible with third-party printing services like this one.
Click over to the appropriately-titled dildo-generator.com to give the system a whirl. As Jezebel notes, the process is bizarre, bonkers, and really, really fun. My creation can be seen above. His name is Pablo. The yellow's pretty festive, no?