Who Needs Equal Pay, Really?

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psPhoto: Courtesy of Phyllis Schlafly.
Sometimes, it's hard to remember why I even have a job. I mean, I've got to get up early, put on clothes that aren't pajamas, and drag myself to the subway just to come here and fulfill my stupid lifelong dream of being a writer. I could just stay in bed and watch reruns, but, ugh, here I am contributing to society. Somewhere along the way, I got it in my head that my work was worth as much money as my male counterparts, but that just goes to show you how dangerous it is when ladies put on their big-girl shoes and leave the house.

Thank goodness Phyllis Schlafly, legendary conservative activist, is here to set me straight. In her new piece, "Facts and Fallacies About Paycheck Fairness," published on April 15 (without a single correctly cited source — girlfriend knows her stuff), she explained just why women should quit moaning about earning 77 cents to every dollar a man makes. Here, she outlines exactly why equal pay is not an issue, but rather a "tiresome" feminist slogan that President Obama and his lady friends like to throw around just to distract us gals from the real task at hand: getting married.

After all, who cares about equality when you're wasting time in the workplace, frittering away those child-bearing years? I can write all the essays and books and op-eds I want, but let's be real — I'm just playing office until he puts a ring on it. Lest we forget how unvaluable we are, let's just review her points, real quick. Then, let's all go home to our fainting couches and get back to Grey's Anatomy!!!

"Another fact is the influence of hypergamy, which means that women typically choose a mate (husband or boyfriend) who earns more than she does. Men don't have the same preference for a higher-earning mate. While women prefer to HAVE a higher-earning partner, men generally prefer to BE the higher-earning partner in a relationship."

And, here I thought the hypergamy phenomenon was a sociological problem, not the natural-world order. Somehow, it seemed the growing number of educated women in the workforce was a step in the right direction, and perhaps equal pay would be another. Turns out I'm wrong again. I knew I should have run that credit check on my boyfriend. Thanks for the helpful use of caps lock, by the way. Wouldn't want to mix those up and date a poor guy!

"The best way to improve economic prospects for women is to improve job prospects for the men in their lives, even if that means increasing the so-called pay gap."

Right ON, sister. Let's put a stop to this equality nonsense, today. In fact, this pay gap isn't big enough! Maybe we should take the fees from your speaking engagements, distribute the cash to eligible bachelors, and get these kids married off.

"Obviously, I'm not saying women won't date or marry lower-earning men, only that they probably prefer not to. If a higher-earning man is not available, many women are more likely not to marry at all."

Hang on, Phyllis — you are rocking my world. Thank God, I have this fainting couch to catch me as I swoon.