Photo: Jim Smeal/BEImages.Who among you hasn't looked at the apple-cheeked, hugely talented Oscar winner Jennifer Lawrence and thought, "If only we could make edibles as cool as her." It's perfectly natural to want to meet, befriend, and consume your favorite celebrities, preferably with water crackers.
Well, according to an article on Vice's Motherboard blog, there's a company that's purporting to offer you the chance to make these cannibalistic dreams come true. In what smells like a hoax — but let's take a second to entertain the idea — BiteLabs claims that it's able to develop meat cultures out of tissue samples from such beloved celebrities as Jennifer Lawrence, Kanye West, Ellen DeGeneres, and James Franco (obviously) to produce…human-flavored salamis?! Chew on that.
While the technology behind this outlandish claim is feasible — if expensive and impractical — these smoked sausages wouldn't be all celebrity meat. As its hilariously/terrifyingly upbeat website says, it adds conventional, non-famous animal meats to the mix and then, "in the tradition of Italian-cured meats, we dry, age, and spice our product into fine charcuterie."
Now, this smells like pure satire. Very good satire, but still satire. Witness the description of the Kanye-flavored salami: "The Kanye Salami will pull no punches: heavy, and boldly flavored, pure Kanye West meat will blend with rich, coarse-ground pork. Hungarian paprika and worcestershire give Kanye an underlying smokiness, spiced up with hints of jalapeño. The Kanye Salami is best paired with strong, straight bourbon." Brilliant. We're taking this as an exquisite send-up of the figurative rapaciousness of modern celebrity culture.
Look, regardless of whether BiteLabs is a put-on or not, the question remains: Would you eat Lawrence-enhanced charcuterie, if it was served on a silver platter? Tell us in the comments below and be honest. We won't judge you for your cannibalistic urges. This is your safe space. (Motherboard)