Hump, Marry, Kill: Figure Skating Edition

HMK_bodyPhotos: epa european pressphoto agency b.v./Alamy.
Hump: I’m currently offering up a thousand feels for Yulia Lipnitskaya, not just because she looks exactly like I did when I was 9 (although as my mom jokingly reminded me when I sent her this photo, I don’t have a medal), but also because of the rough road I know she has ahead of her. I, too, was a teen perfectionist, and any time something went wrong, I was automatically a thousand times more disappointed in myself than the people I thought I'd let down.
Therefore, I can't even fathom that what it feels like for that crushing disappointment to be intensified by an entire country — the Olympic host, no less — pinning their hopes for glory on you. After her dazzling performance that helped bring the Russian team gold in the team skate, it really seemed like Lipnitskaya was going to come out of nowhere to become Russia’s first women’s figure skating champion at the age of 15. Sadly, after falling in both her short and free programs, it wasn’t meant to be.
Although every phenom needs a setback or two to learn how to handle defeat, I worry she puts enough pressure on herself already. Any more and she might not make it to the podium to win gold in 2018. She’s probably on the ice right now practicing triple jumps, replaying the falls in her mind. I feel you, Yulia. It'll hopefully all be okay.
Marry: I don't care that she only got the mother-effing silver (although major props to Adelina on the complete upset, and I assume we’re all wearing nude gloves this weekend in support of her badassery?); all hail Queen Yuna, who makes every program look like gorgeously emoted ballet on ice. And seriously, imagine if a female skater was the most famous athlete in our country? She's like the David Beckham of South Korea (it says a lot about my knowledge of sports that I can’t name the most famous athlete in our country). It just warms my icy feminist heart how beloved Yuna Kim is in her homeland. I hope she can relax and retire now that it’s over.
Kill: I’m sorry; I wanted to root for Ashley Wagner, I did. But, the faces. They’re just not necessary. If there’s one thing I’ve noticed about Olympic judges, it’s that they don’t really like the overly fierce, trying-to-seduce-you, Sasha-Fierceness some athletes pull. I know that Wagner came to the Olympics with a somewhat controversial berth on the team and really wanted to prove herself, but just take it back like, five notches, girl. It’s great to be powerful, but please leave the mugging up to Toddlers & Tiaras contestants.

More from Movies

In the upcoming indie sci-fi flick Crossbreed, Vivica A. Fox will play a president who sends war veterans on a mission to retrieve an alien whose DNA is ...
Have you ever re-watched an old movie and cringed? Maybe you were watching Breakfast at Tiffany's and Mickey Rooney's overtly racist Asian stereotype ...
A few months ago, I found myself riveted by an appearance Melissa Harris-Perry made on Real Time With Bill Maher. Harris-Perry had recently left her show...
The 1960s never seemed creepier than in Rose McGowan’s haunting short film, Dawn (2014). McGowan, whose long acting résumé includes roles on TV megahits ...
The miracle and the curse of Netflix are one and the same: There is so much damn stuff to watch. In fact, if you're not sure exactly what you're looking ...
As if winning an Oscar wasn't enough, actress Lupita Nyong'o just proved that she has another talent under her belt: freestyle rapping. The 33-year-old ...
There are few movies that just beg to be parodied more than Fifty Shades of Grey. But High School Musical comes pretty darn close. In case you haven't ...
This month, many 15-year-olds are just getting in the back-to-school swing of things. But Auli'i Cravalho's schedule is a little bit different: The teen ...
Growing up is hard to do. Before "adulting" — that is, clumsily impersonating our role models and pretending we have our lives together — became a buzzword...
Every once in a while, a documentary comes out and changes the world. For 2016, 13th is destined to do just that. A film from notable director, ...
For women, Star Wars costumes used to mean one thing: Princess Leia. There were variations within the theme — Danish side-bun Leia, Hoth Leia, gold-bikini-...
As long as Harry Potter fans keep rewatching the beloved movies, they'll keep finding new reasons the series will make you cry. The latest discovery? Harry...
The documentary world can be overwhelming. Think of a topic — broad or obscure — and very likely a movie has probably been made about it. Biographies, ...
Luna Lovegood is one of the most memorable characters from J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series. Later, the eccentric character was brought to life by the ...