Hump, Marry, Kill: How We Met The Mother

HMK_bodyPhoto: Courtesy of Robert Viglasky/Hartswood Films for MASTERPIECE; Ron P. Jaffe/Fox; Michael Yarish/Warner Bros.
Hump: I know he married Mary, but, seriously, John Watson and Sherlock Holmes 4eva. That best-man speech, man.
Advertisement
Marry: So, I’m definitely a little weak regarding any and all renditions of “La Vie en Rose” due to repeated viewings of Love Me If You Dare (do yourself a favor and watch it ASAP) over the past few weeks. But, still, Cristin Milioti’s plaintive, soulful ukulele version on this week’s episode of How I Met Your Mother gave me chills.
We finally got the backstory to how the titular “your mother” came to be the bass player at Barney and Robin’s wedding. And, while it’s a tad cheesy (her life’s mission is to “end poverty,” which I don’t fault her for — it’s just more of a 10-year-old’s answer than an adult’s), the writers only had 22 minutes to make us fall in love with the woman we’ve been waiting eight seasons to meet. They had to give her universally beloved qualities, and “end poverty” is probably the number-one way to communicate that a character is kind and caring.
We haven’t yet seen how Ted and the mother actually meet, although I kind of expected him to clap after her performance on the balcony. This is Ted, after all; he’s been heart-on-his-sleeve, balls-out searching for the love of his life pretty much since he was first sentient enough to understand the concept of marriage. The man wears driving gloves. He clearly isn’t afraid to make his presence known in a situation.
Alas, the meeting was not yet to be. But, at least we now know how we met Luke and Penny’s mother.
Kill: So, I turned on my TV for some background noise when I got home last night, and it was tuned to CBS. Two and a Half Men was on. I decided to just let it happen because I was making dinner and only half paying attention. Except…that show actually has the ability to make me angry. Like, bra-burning, night-taking-back grrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Advertisement
In last night’s episode, Alan threw a bachelor party for his future stepfather, an octogenarian named Marty Pepper (of course) who’s been married six times, played by Carl Reiner. (You’re better than this, Reiner.) Since he’s Alan, world’s biggest schlemiel, he decides to get strippers — for a party consisting of four altakakers (you’re welcome for the Yiddish lesson) taking place at four in the afternoon.
Extremely predictable long story short (the only other plot alternative would have been lap-dance-induced heart attack), future stepfather decides to take the two strippers home while also concluding that he doesn’t really want to get married again. But, when Alan tells his mother, instead of getting upset, she just says, “If he doesn’t want to get married, that’s fine. You can’t force someone to love you.” This is a formidable, strong-willed woman. Her reaction is completely out of character and 100% indicative of the show’s demeaning view of women. It’s as if she has no agency in her relationship and what she wants doesn’t matter at all.
In the end, of course, Walden and Alan convince future stepfather to go through with it. "How?" you probably didn’t ask. Well, they go to his house (where he’s currently shacked up with the two young strippers) and use the age-old argument that Alan’s mother is super lenient and game for anything. “Given the chance, my mother would probably sleep with you and the strippers,” Alan says about his own mother. Walden chimes in with “Yeah, she’s kind of a whore.”
It’s just such a cheap resolution to the already cheap conflict. There’s a way to fix the cold-feet situation without calling a 70-something-year-old woman a whore and implying that she would have to have a four-way with two younger women just to get her fiancé‎ to actually go through with marrying her. Oh well, at least I remembered why I don’t watch Two and a Half Men on the reg.
Advertisement

More from Movies

We may not get to see live-action Beauty and The Beast until 2017, but we have been getting a ton of teasers lately. First, there was a trailer. Then, ...
In 1998, two young actors and best friends named Matt Damon and Ben Affleck took home the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. The movie was Good Will ...
Toward the end of Mean Girls, Cady Heron (Lindsay Lohan) encounters her final Mathlete opponent, Caroline Krafft. Cady describes her as such: "Her outfit...
A few months ago, I found myself riveted by an appearance Melissa Harris-Perry made on Real Time With Bill Maher. Harris-Perry had recently left her show...
On September 30, Netflix released a documentary about Amanda Knox's trial and the events surrounding it, aptly titled Amanda Knox. To refresh your memory: ...
Most young actresses work for years trying to break into Hollywood by way of L.A. casting couches. Sasha Lane was dancing with the sand between her toes...
In the middle of American Honey, there's a stirring Mazzy Star moment. The dirty, rat-tailed, but still handsome Jake (Shia LaBeouf in his best role in ...
In July of 2013, a horror movie called The Conjuring hit theaters and made away with $42 million in its first weekend — the box office record for an ...
In May of 2016, Amber Heard and Johnny Depp announced their divorce after being married for 15 months. The 53-year-old actor and 30-year-old actress did ...
Hey dudes and dudettes. As they say in stoner movies: It’s 4:20 somewhere — a.k.a. the unofficial official time of day to spark a blunt, hit the bong, toke...
Filmmaker Tim Burton is known for his fantastically weird movies — The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993), Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street...
It’s pretty obvious that movie and television characters don’t look the way most of us do, and that it's a problem. But rarely do we actually talk about ...
Dear fans of the book The Girl on the Train: I have good news for you. Director Tate Taylor, the book's author Paula Hawkins, and screenwriter Erin ...
Sex scenes, we've seen a few. The first times that seldom bear resemblance to anyone's real first time. The quick-my-wife-is-out-of-town humpfests that ...