Hump, Marry, Kill: Girls' Shoshanna Is Having A Really Hard Time

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HMK_embedPhoto: Courtesy of FX Network; Comedy Central; Jessica Miglio/HBO.
Hump: I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it a million times: Archer is so $(%&*^# funny. As in, I somehow find myself attracted to a macho, beyond-Oedipal animated character when watching it. Season five premiered this week, and it totally managed to avoid the typical series stagnation that can occur this far in by blowing up the entire premise. ISIS is no more; instead, our agents (well, they were never officially agents seeing as Malory forgot to obtain the necessary government approval for starting a spy operation) are heading in the complete opposite direction. Now, they’re going to run a drug cartel. And, Cheryl will pursue her dream of becoming a country singer. It’s gonna be so good.

Marry: Kroll Show is back, and just like Archer, it’s just so effing entertaining and wonderful at completely skewering everything from the teen-pregnancy-reality-show circuit to whatever’s happening on Bravo these days. And, of course, John Mulaney is back as George St. Geegland on the irreverent prank show Too Much Tuna. Oh, just watch already.

Kill: Shoshanna on Girls has ceased to be even a semblance of a person who could possibly ever exist. In her place is a caricature used as a prop for questioning how other characters would feel and react to absurd situations (and she's sort of obsessed with the same things as Rob in High Fidelity). And, we, the viewers, are meant to use these metaphorical responses to alter our views of those characters. This is how the exposition sausage is made.

Before you argue, yes, I do know people who are like Shoshanna. But, the old Shosh from seasons one and two, not the one who offers up non sequiturs like “I will never be bored as long as there's Halloween” as if it’s the most profound thing ever and seems to think cataloging random facts equals a conversation. She’s become quirky to the point of possible insanity.

Hopefully, as the season progresses, we’ll get to see her outside the context of Hannah. I think watching her interact with other people (or even in class, because this is someone who’s supposed to be graduating from college, meaning she somehow attends and passes senior-level seminars) would allow for some more depth and fewer one-liners. Until then, it’d be great if someone could create a “Random Shoshanna Quote Generator,” which would produce the perfect zany line for every possible situation. Here are just a few to get us started:

— "I just don’t get why they’re called Funyuns. Has anyone ever opened a bag and suddenly they were, like, living in Vanessa Hudgens’ Instagram? No."
— "Why doesn’t the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show take place during Fashion Week?"
— "See, I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpack."*
— "I think I would do okay on a deserted island as long as they had a Juice Generation. Wait, you’re, like, on a tropical island. You can just make juice. No, wait — you’d need a juicer. Either way, I’d get super skinny. And, juicing’s, like, totally good for your skin."
— "The Real World is, like, not at all like the real world."
— "A friend of mine got a nose job for her sweet 16, and now it totally grew back. Well, not, like, a friend. This girl I started following on Twitter after Harry Styles’ sister accidentally wrote the wrong handle when she was trying to “at” her friend Nicole."
— "Marnie could make it socially appropriate to walk around in a blanket. She could be a model for a blanket catalog."
— "Sometimes I feel like I should be wearing eye cream, but then I just don’t start to."
— "What does Jennifer Lawrence do with her hair now when she wants to put it in a messy bun and get coffee on Sunday mornings?"
— "Mugs with your initials on them are, like, the death of your relationship. Unless someone gave them to you, but then what are they trying to say about your relationship? That you should break up? Rude."
— "Jessa’s the kind of person who, if she had an Instagram — which she doesn’t, because she’s way too cool — random people would write “stop being perfect” on all her photos."

*Wait — someone might have said this one already.