American Horror Story Recap: I'm Going To Disney World!

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delphinePHOTO: COURTESY MICHELE K. SHORT/FX.
Folks, the show's running out of people to kill. It's pretty late in the season, sure, but even American Horror Story: Asylum had a few beating hearts left at this stage in the game. Now, it's just murder upon murder upon murder. In this episode alone, the body count goes up to eight. And, that's only humans.

We begin with a beheading. Not of a witch or a serial killer's ghost, but a poor Leghorn hen, which Delphine dispatches in full camera view in a flashback to 1830. She plays with the blood a little, because that's how she rolls. A few moments later, she walks in on one of her slaves, who's injured his leg while moving boxes. She helpfully offers to bandage him up, but the sight of more blood just gets her murderous mind roving over the possibilities of torture and dismemberment. So, she knocks him out, ties him up, and slowly kills him. This time, however, we're spared the carnage.

Back in the present, it's time for Nan's funeral. Fiona's spewing some bull about how her witches have valiantly fought for their lives, with Marie Laveau sneering beside her the whole time. You'd think being immortal would give you some time to practice your game face. "We must say goodbye to Nan, who fell in the tub." Welcome to this episode of American Horror Story: Gashlycrumb Tinies Edition.

Then, a surprise! Queenie's still alive! And, she's got Delphine on a dog leash in tow. Queenie's also demonstrated that she is a much better corpse-seamstress than Zoe, as Delphine has no scars apparent over her Ed Hardy shirt.

Over at Delphi, Hank's dad, Harrison, isn't exactly in mourning for his dead son. Instead, he wants to set up a meeting with the witches in order to ask them to remove the curse they've placed on his company. Then, he plans to kill them.
mariefionaPHOTO: COURTESY MICHELE K. SHORT/FX.
Of course, Fiona and Marie know this already and discuss their plan as Delphine gives them manis and pours Champagne. Delphine rues her station in life in voice-over, being forced to flush the toilet for Madison and being turned into a nursemaid for Marie's stolen baby. She's still the house cook, too, and Myrtle has a spice-gasm over a bowl her mulligatawny soup. "Cumin! Cardamom! Co-co-nut! I've been transported to Rajasthan!"

In the next scene, we get even more bon mots from Myrtle: "Figs are Mother Nature's brown diamonds," describing them in a way the gardener probably would've rather not heard (we'll spare you). Somehow, Delphine manages to subdue the gardener and gets back to her old torture-and-murder tricks in Spalding's old doll attic. She cuts off his toes with glee.

In the bathroom, Kyle watches Zoe doing the classic "Spell for the Discovery of Who Murdered the Girl in the Bathtub" and finds out that Fiona and Marie put poor Nan under. Madison storms in and makes one of the most vengeful attempts to seduce Kyle in the history of television, but Kyle brushes her off. "I love Zoe," he says. Madison throws a hissy fit and knocks Zoe down with a lamp. Myrtle comes in to investigate the racket, and Madison calls her a "crusty old Hot Pocket" — with cumin, let's hope — before promising to dismember Kyle. You know, again.

Elsewhere, the Axeman's literally blowing his horn at Fiona as he fondly reminisces about the time he once spent on his granddaddy's farm. Then, he calmly segues into discussing how they ought to kill the next Supreme, which gets Fiona all randy. This show should be subtitled Multiple Murderers Feel Feelings.
zoekylePHOTO: COURTESY MICHELE K. SHORT/FX.
Back in the attic, Delphine's torture subject is very, very dead. Of course, so is Spalding, but he has the luxury of reappearing as a ghost, which he does. He helps Delphine as she laments the fact that, as the maid, she has to clean up her own corpses. Spalding plots with her to get rid of Marie.

Just downstairs, Queenie's busy unpacking when Cordelia comes in to say hey. Queenie explains how she's probably the next Supreme because she survived a silver-bullet gunshot to the stomach, and then tells Cordelia to shove off because, well, Cordelia sucks. Realizing this, Cordelia heads to her herbarium and smears some muck on her new eyes before gouging them out with a pair of garden shears.

Later, Delphine's brought Spalding another creepy doll for his collection, of which even death can't dissuade him. In exchange, he promises to help her kill Marie. He unveils his secret weapon: Benadryl, which not only has the power to quell an allergy attack and stave off motion sickness, but also renders voodoo queens momentarily mortal.

Myrtle's back at playing her theremin and asks Zoe in to have a chat. She gives her a Joel Arthur Rosenthal brooch, quotes Keats, talks about how she used to schtup Egon von Fürstenberg, and proclaims the wrap dress as the greatest invention of the century. (Also, the Internet?) Then she tells Zoe to take Kyle to Disney World. It's weird, but hey — Myrtle.
delphinePHOTO: COURTESY MICHELE K. SHORT/FX.
The Delphi crew meets up with Marie and Fiona, and you just know everyone's not walking out of here with their various parts still attached where they should be. It doesn't take long for negotiations to break down — perhaps they wouldn't have if Harrison hadn't laughed off the idea of a private jet for Marie. The Axeman, who's been there the whole time, then quietly removes his jacket and plants his blade in each of the Delphi dudes. The coup de grace, however, comes from Fiona, who happily severs Harrison's jugular. Marie Instagrams the whole scene.

That night, Marie and Fiona share a celebratory cocktail, which Delphine's laced with her magic Benadryl. When she senses that the moment is right, Delphine plunges a chef's knife into Marie's chest, only to find that Benadryl does not actually make immortal voodoo queens vulnerable to knife attacks. When Marie chases after her, Spalding brains her with what must be one helluva heavy doll. He then steals her stolen baby, and Delphine presumably buries Marie in a very, very deep grave.

At Myrtle's suggestion, Zoe prepares to flee Chez Robichaux with Kyle for a better, less murder-y life elsewhere. Kyle's reluctant at first, but then Zoe explains that she loves him, which apparently needed to be said again. Then we get some Run Lola Run-style techno montage and they board a bus for Orlando. Epcot, here they come.


Missed the last episode? Catch the recap here.