Photo: Courtesy of Michele K. Short/FX; Courtesy of Jordin Althaus/FOX; Courtesy of The CW.
Hump: I assume we’re all going as Lily Rabe dressed like the love child of Ke$ha and Stevie Nicks from American Horror Story for Halloween, right? Every time she appeared on the screen, it was like Free People finally made its fall catalog theme “Enigmatic Bayou Witch Does the Walk of Shame at Woodstock,” and it was perfection. Plus, her character has a great couple’s costume option of drawing some stitches and a pentagram directly onto your dude’s torso so he can be your poorly Frankensteined Evan Peters Build-a-Boyfriend. It’s so economical: All he needs are some pants and well-rehearsed psychotic grunts. Really, AHS: Coven is like the gift that keeps on giving when it comes to easy Halloween costumes that are already in your closet and makeup collection.
Marry: Hi, Ben Feldman playing the man of my dreams** on The Mindy Project, acoustic mandolin version of pop songs and all. I’d have preferred Miley or Haim over that particular Katy Perry jam, but hey, it’s not every day a charming man pulls a mea culpa with a miniature stringed instrument on your doorstep. And, if this does happen to you every day, please contact me. I want to know all of your secrets.
**Well, minus a few million awesome points for his character’s negative review of Breaking Bad that Mindy Kaling posted on Instagram. However, it does show that he’s willing to take a stand and express an opinion contrary to that of the general public and/or cultural elite, which I admire. It just happens to be a wrong opinion when it comes to Breaking Bad. You’ll get ‘em next time, one-appearance fictional character I’ve built up way too much in my head.
Kill: Here’s a list of things I Googled (and wondered) while watching Reign, The CW’s fluffy new historical drama about Mary Stuart during her petulant teenage years at French court.
— Mary, Queen of Scots
— Did they really stay and watch royal couples consummate their marriage in medieval times?
— Is this girl seriously pulling a Marnie (you know, the scene after she meets Booth Jonathan) at the top of a staircase?
— Was anyone named Lola in 16th century England? How about Greer or Kenna?
— Does Mary get with this Sebastian guy? He’s not a real person, is he?
— How many times can I listen to the opening strums of The Lumineers’ “Charlie Boy” before going insane?
— Why is coyly slipping off one shoulder of your dress always the signal for “wanton young lady ready to surrender her virtue” in these shows?
— Could ladies in waiting really show this much skin?
— When did Scottish people start wearing tartan?
— This scene where she’s twirling on the dance floor and feathers start falling...oh dear.
— Can we throw Rossif Sutherland’s name into the Christian Grey casting hat? Was Nostradamus really that hot?
— Wasn’t Mary Stuart supposed to be clever?
— Are hair thongs going to make a raging comeback thanks to this show?
— How come the Scottish characters don’t have Scottish accents? Same question for the French ones.
— I’m going to keep watching this and hating myself for it, aren’t I?